Yet another question - did diagnosis make you feel like you were losing your sanity?

Because it definitely did not for me. I have never felt I lost touch with reality in any way. I do know some people "disassociate" due to the severity of the trauma. Personally, even in the worst of it, I knew exactly who, what, where I was, even when I wished my reality was not what it was. I guess I am actually thinking more of the original timeframe, since the actual PTSD Dx came later. I never felt I lost my sanity, even if "they" were trying to convince me I had to some greater or lesser degree.

Now, I absolutely do not feel like I have a "mental illness" even if the DSM disagrees. Traumatic injury, yes. Ok, maybe a bit of MI as a complication, but certainly nothing that makes me say "Oh, God, No!" And nothing that can't be beaten, even if it will be a tough and slow process. And believing this helps a lot. Sometimes I worry I buy into victim hood, but I think feeling victimized is different from buying into it.

Thoughts?

Hmmm, that's a good question. When I first got the diagnosis I thought that all PTSD meant was "extreme grief" because I had lost so many horses and ponies all of a sudden from my neighbor's dog. The psychiatrist didn't explain it to me very well at all. He actually scared me because he wanted to put me on different medications and this was after I had gotten out of a psychward where the other patients were on 4 to 5 different medications and told me they were worse off and messed up. I have to say the psych ward left me even more frightened then when I went in "exhausted and very depleted and completely overwhelmed."

No one explained "anything" to my family, they were all very "dismissive" and even "mean" to me, which made me worse and I became very depressed and isolated more and more. Funny, I went through all the "warning signs that are supposed to be told to families" and I developed "full blown PTSD" and began to experience "flashbacks".
I never even imagined the brain could do what I experienced. I was "not" crazy, but I "was" scared.

For a while I just could not afford therapy because I had way to much piling debt because of all the vet bills created by so many injured horses and ponies. It was my business to, so I suddenly could not even do the business I had done to keep up with the debt that was building up.

I don't feel "crazy" however, I do definitely struggle with "severe" anxiety and for a while it was really hard on me.

Now that I have taken time out to read about it and finally found a "good therapist who specializes in PTSD and complex PTSD, I got a foothold on the PTSD. It has been quite a journey for me though.

OE

One of the absolutely most heartbreaking things I have ever seen was the day hospital program, having to see the human face of abject despair, utter misery. I was pretty messed up, I thought kind of hopeless, until I got there. I honestly said to myself "you have got to be kidding me". People seemed so ... Lost. A few had a little fighting spirit, but most seemed resigned to this as the only possibility for themselves. The multiple drugs did not help, made them zombies. Many had been inpatient multiple times, some had multiple suicide attempts. It was heartbreaking. It also made me determined not to end up like that, even when my irrational paranoia told me I was going to die in the Cass Corridor (Detroit's notorious center of drugs, prostitution, homelessness). Again, I felt that the "system" was not setting the bar very high at all. I certainly didn't want that or worse to be my fate.

The quack I blame for a lot of this explained bipolar to me ... Just enough to make it sound pretty hopeless as well. Chronic, incurable, degenerative, prone to progressively more severe relapse, hit or miss medications. And none of these other "professionals" ever questioned that Dx, even after I voiced my concerns to them towards the end of the 2 weeks. Of course, the one that could/should have been in a position to re-evaluate was the "house doctor" for the program, who was about as useful as an air conditioner in Antarctica. Another quack.

I think I mentioned in another thread how almost any behavior can be "held against you" when trying to make a case that you have disease X. Guilty until proven innocent. It seemed like they totally ignored context. I had to be manic because I was full of nervous energy. I was unable to sleep. Extremely irritable. All proof to them I was bipolar. None of them bothered to even make mention of any possible alternative. Hypervigilance under extreme duress accounts for all of it IMHO.

I have worked with my T about how badly I was treated and frightened in the psych ward. He explained to me that many of these wards are just a holding place that stabilize and process people as quickly as they can to "outpatient" therapy. He told me that attempts are being made to better train the staff to be able to identity the signs that someone is in shock or developing PTSD or is a "trauma" patient. He explained that my behavior patterns of anger/anxiety/fear were misunderstood and that if they had been trained how "trauma" patients react and are less likely to want to take medications and act out, are only doing so because they feel very unsafe and fearful, and should not "push or pressure them" .

Yes, often "bipolar" is diagnosed when a patient who is suffering from "trauma or PTSD" expresses the cycles. Often you will see people saying they have "bipolar and PTSD", when "from what I have read and learned", bipolar is actually rare and not usually "present" when someone is suffering with PTSD.

Also, if a diagnosis of bipolar is given, it is easier to qualify for aide too. It is not fair to the patient because they begin to think their condition is something that they cannot really recover from, where if someone struggles with PTSD, they can learn to cope much better and understand the cycles and slowly learn skills to better manage themselves "slowly".

Yes, you are right, a "manic" episode is different from "a hyper vigilant episode" and someone can have rapid cycles with PTSD, that can look like rapid cycling bipolar too.

Also, psychiatrists tend to want to suggest that if a patient doesn't respond to "anti-depressants" that they may have bipolar 1 without the mania. Well, that's a load of crap because not everyone responds to anti depressants and some just can't get past the side effects.

Mowtown, my stay in that psych ward was something I will never forget. All the other patients were on 4 and 5 different medications, one woman even had shock treatment and was "still struggling". I took some time to talk to her and found out that she had wanted to start a jewelry making business redesigning older jewelry and spent too much money and was so afraid her husband was going to find out. No drug or shock treatment was going to change that enormous fear and guilt she had. I told her the idea was actually a really good one, her problem is that she just didn't know how to move her idea into the next stage of creating a business. My listening and advising did more to help her than any drug or "shock treatment".

When I saw a therapist after I got out of the psych ward, she did say that it was the wrong place for me to go and the only reason I was sent there was because I talked about wanting to "die". I did say that because I had lost so much and basically had a hospital going on my farm, that I was completely exhausted physically and mentally.

This therapist however also misdiagnosed me too. I didn't spend a lot of time talking to her, however I did talk about the "value" of the permanently damaged horses and ponies. She did not believe me and ended up saying I had "illusions of grandeur". To this day, I want so badly to go back to see her and bring the "appraisals" of these "lost horses and ponies" to prove to her that "I am not delusional or making it up".
Now I have that in my records and it is "wrong". Unfortunately, the health insurance I had, we could not afford to continue due to so much financial loss. I had to stop seeing her because I could not afford it. We had so many bills piled up on our table with not enough money to pay them. I feared that my husband would also break down and he eventually did. He got so overwhelmed that he became severely depressed and would not get out of bed for almost a month. Fortunately, I was able to sell one of my investment horses that gave me funds to keep us afloat until he finally was able to function and work again. I was so scared, and of course, that only aggravated the PTSD and I had no help or money to get help either.

Well, now that I have taken time to finally learn about what PTSD means and how it affects me and I finally have a therapist who specializes in it, looking back on how poorly I was diagnosed and treated makes me angry and frustrated.

My T tells me, the system is really broken and "no" it was not fair to me at all.

OE

Wow. I guess this happens a lot. Nice to know we are just so much flotsam on the current of the system, to drug up and keep down. MH system, broken. HC system in general, broken. So sorry you had to go through that.

Yeah, I am still pissed off big time. My T says "radical acceptance." I can't at this point. I just have bad days and worse days. Today is that, and it was a really stupid thing that set me off, couldn't find my wallet. When I found it, my paycheck wasn't in it. 2 hours of looking everywhere last night, finally found both. Set off another round of "I am a worthless idiot".

I was relieved to be no longer under the yoke of bipolar, but the seriousness of C-PTSD is sinking in and starting to freak me too.

As Phil Collins sang, "Just another day for you and me in paradise".

But, thanks for being so nice to me. I think I come off as a jerk at times, because I am a jerk at times, just a spoiled kid in many ways.

No, you are not a jerk, you are just trying to understand your challenge and so far all your questions are right on track with the questions many who struggle with PTSD ask. You have asked questions that I have asked myself, you want to understand and help yourself work through it, that's all and that's healthy too.

I will say though Mowtown, when you catch yourself "putting yourself down in "any" way", stop yourself and remind yourself to be "patient and self caring".

Losing your wallet and pay check would upset "anyone" only for someone with PTSD, the emotions are "magnified" that's all. If you learn to catch yourself when you do this, that's the beginning of slowly healing verses "feeding into it and self blaming".

((Hugs))
OE

Definitely not, I actually feel like I gained some Sanity with my diagnosis it made it all make sense... Maybe that's because I lost my sanity when I was just a little boy.

At first I actually was kind of dismissive of my PTSD diagnosis, because I was in denial about how actually bad, some of the stuff I'd experienced was. Now the PTSD Dx is actually a relief, because it means I'm not crazy - I'm having adaptive coping strategies to a sick situation, but those coping strategies are no longer effective, so I need to learn new ones. Since I've been doing the one-on-one trauma therapy, it's been hugely helpful, and I feel like I'm actually making progress.

splitimage

I don't know if you're ONLY talking about getting diagnosed with PTSD - which I haven't, but I wouldn't be surprised as my T and I talk a lot about trauma.

Anyway. When I was diagnosed with bipolar 2, I wasn't upset and I certainly didn't feel like I was losing my sanity. I felt validated, because I was aware of my mood changes.

I think that I have a personality disorder, and haven't had the guts to say that yet.... but if my T or pdoc agree with it whenever I do? Also won't feel hopeless about it and will feel validated actually.

I don't consider my bipolar to be a death sentence, I am really sorry that you felt that way. It's something I live with, but it's something that I can manage and accept... and it does sorta give my life a lot of variety, haha. It is a shame that the docs didn't listen to you fully though.

Again, hope I didn't offend. Not my intention.

I think one thing that made me feel it was a "death sentence" was the way the quack quickly explained it -- she made me feel like it was really hopeless in terms of any effective treatment, and then the rush to push me to the psychiatric program (first she wanted me to go straight from there to the ER and admit myself, that was SO not gonna happen). So, it made me really think I was toast. And that I was a really bad guy. I know both are not the case, but knowing it intellectually isn't the same as feeling it emotionally.