[Open Eyes]

As far as condemning antidepressants is concerned? I don't take them myself. But I have a feeling that they do not stop the challenges that PTSD presents. I think that someone has to go through whatever it is with PTSD that challenges them, until they slowly work through it with support until some healing takes place.

If you have a gaping wound and take antibiotics, well, the antibiotics will not actually "heal" the wound, but help to prevent the wound from getting infected while it slowly heals. It may be that antidepressants provide some protection in this way too.

Each person is going to be different, so it "is" important that you make sure you discuss everything that challenges you, especially if you experience a rise in suicidal thoughts.

[MotownJohnny]

Well, I may not have made myself clear -- when I say I am getting X level of symptoms while on an SSRI and a mood stabilizer, what I am trying to say is that I think it would be a lot worse without them.

A lot of it is fear of being labeled as "crazy" -- and I am slowly working my way through that. Because I was initially mortified that someone would know I had a "mental illness" or a "mental health issue" or that I was "crazy". And I was really mortified of being labeled as bipolar. Because I pretty much thought any of those terms were synonymous with being a "grave moral failure" or having a "profound character flaw". I know now just how stupid and STIGMATIZING that is. Good Lord, we all have problems. I am coming to a radical acceptance of one concept -- hiding in the shadows out of fear if stigma IS a problem -- because it's just that, hiding, covering up, it does create anxiety. Funny, that was the last straw with the quack last year, she told me I needed to "come out" for the good of the entire mental health community. I would NEVER want to give her the satisfaction of knowing this, but on that issue she was right. The timing, the reasoning was wrong -- if I fully "come out" it's going to be for my benefit, it will be only a secondary benefit to mental health advocacy. Hope that makes sense.

I hope I really CAN resolve this stalker thing, because I would like to be able to speak more openly here about it. Right now, I don't want to use the group name or any links because it might show up in a google search, and first and foremost, no one here needs to become their victims. It's like quarantine for a virus, keep it from spreading. But, when and if it is resolved, I definitely want to share some of it, because frankly it will just floor people at how cruel these sociopaths are. I'm pretty sure I'm not delusional and making this all up. Somehow I wish I were.

It is a real struggle to feel good about yourself when it seems like the world feels bad about you. Interesting, I had an appointment with my chiro this morning, the one whose father is a Holocaust survivor. He has the best outlook on life, he says his dad taught him how precious is it. I need to remember that -- my suffering is trivial, really trivial, compared to what his father went through, including the loss of his entire family, he was the only survivor. I've actually met a number of Holocaust survivors over the years, including a man who was not Jewish, he was held in a concentration camp because he was of a Baptist sect that would not recognize the Nazi authority. Almost all of them are gone now because of age. But they all seemed to be able to overcome everything and have good outlooks. Which is amazing to me -- I can only begin to imagine the kind of raging PTSD one must have from surviving something like that. It has all of the aspects of what I think many of here go through, the self esteem issues (can you imagine what it must be like to be told you are inherently inferior, even sub-human, because of your membership in a religious or ethnic group), the trauma issues, the abuse issues. Same issues we face, but on steroids to say the least. If my PTSD is a hundred foot tall hill, the PTSD of a Holocaust survivor is Mt. Everest. But they survived and learned to live again. My doc's father is now in an assisted living, his wife died about 6 months ago, and he has health issues (92 after all). My doc says he still has the best outlook and says he is grateful for each day God gives him.

I need to remember his example. My sufferings are nothing compared to what he survived.

[MotownJohnny]

How do you know a delusion is a delusion? I keep thinking back to that movie, A Beautiful Mind -- the Russell Crowe character is a math professor at an Ivy League school. He is schizophrenic, but no one knows it -- he tells his wife and a few other people that spies are after him because of some research he is doing for the Defense Department (it's set in the 1950's). They eventually realize it's all in his mind. But the movie presents it in a way it's totally believable until the rug is pulled out from under the viewers and they realize he has schizophrenia, in the way his wife figures it out.

So, how would you know. I'm pretty sure I have a firm grasp in reality, but the mind can play tricks. If this isn't real, I will commit myself for sure. I am confident in saying that because it's gotta be real. Even though it makes me sound crazy, because the situation is crazy. One of the creeps that posted said I couldn't have PTSD, because it's only for soldiers and heroes. Uh, try telling that to the American Psychiatric Association, I think they would NOT agree. A rape victim, then, is just faking it? That's what this dude was saying.

[Open Eyes]

((Mowtown)),

Schizophrenia is different then PTSD, people who have schizophrenia hear voices and see things that are not really there, and there is a pathology that they can see in the brain of those who have it. I know the movie you are talking about, it is based on a true story too.

Also, the average person doesn't know about PTSD and all they do know is that it is something many veterans suffer from. It is not unusual for a person to "insist" that the average person doesn't get PTSD.

I happened to have a customer that was a neuropsychiatric specialist and she told me that "most" people who struggle with PTSD do not talk about it. She was surprised that I had been so honest about how I was challenged with it, especially considering that she was going to become a client of mine.

It is important that you understand that when you "are" open about your struggle with it, you will come across people that will respond to you in some very "unpleasant" ways or they may even be taken back by it thinking they need to be cautious with you or that you might start acting crazy or something. I have had people be very "unsupportive" and even be "mean" to me and even dismissive. It really hurt me, aggravated the PTSD, and made me struggle even more and I even got so bad that I began to experience some very dark thoughts. Well, now I realize these people simply just didn't understand, didn't mean to hurt me and they actually would have been devastated if I did act on my dark thoughts and it was only then they would realize their actions were very "unfair" to me.

The one thing I would like to see "changed" is that when someone is diagnosed with PTSD, their family members are taken into a special conference where it is explained to them and they are given ways to be supportive instead of being mean and so dismissive. When I was in the psych ward, I was in shock and total exhaustion and expressing clear red flags that I was in great danger of developing PTSD. They allowed my older sister to come in and visit me and yell at me, and blame me for something I really could not help. In my records they consistently discussed that even though I wanted to be released, my husband would "not" remove his guns from our home and did not want me to come home. No one sat him down and explained to him what I was going through either. When he finally did agree to have me be released to come home? He was angry with me the entire time he was driving me home. It was horrible, just horrible and it doesn't have to be that way. I feel horrible that people who struggle with it are often "mistreated" when they really just can't help it. When I look back knowing what I know now about it?, all I can say is OMG, why was I allowed to be treated so badly?, it could have been avoided, different, and it just was so unfair to me, and it isn't just me that goes through this, makes me so sad and angry.

OE

[MotownJohnny]

I know, my father was paranoid delusional, basically schizophrenia without the auditory or visual hallucinations. I know I am sane, and I know I have a grasp on reality. Having raw emotions is not the same as being delusional, PTSD can have a disassociative component but I haven't had that.

It is just such a weird situation it doesn't seem real.

[Open Eyes]

"It is just such a weird situation it doesn't seem real. " quote Mowtown

I know, that's how I felt for a long time, especially when I went through the stages you are going through now. It took me a long time to accept it and understand it.
I was often much too hard on myself too.

I think it's better not to have a spouse that can be dismissive and even mean sometimes. I used to wake up with night terrors, which were flashbacks and my husband would just be snotty about it. I really was so afraid, and I needed someone there to hold me and it just was not there and I didn't have a good T at the time either. I was in bad shape. Everyone responded so badly that it crippled me severely. I went way too long without the right help, way too long.

Your not alone, with these thoughts, but you will get stronger, you will get to the point where you wont be so hard on yourself. Hey, if I can get there with what I had to go through, so can you.

(((Hugs)))

[MotownJohnny]

You know, I actually am NOT being nearly as hard on myself as I was a few weeks ago -- the extreme self hatred seems to be diminishing. That doesn't mean it won't rear it's ugly head, but I feel better from that aspect. And, it's funny, if I run myself down, I accept it. Someone else running me down, or running down anyone with any mental health issues gets me spitting nails.

Yeah, what is up with people thinking they have a right to judge? Ignorance I can excuse, stupidity and malice are different. So, yeah, I know there will be people that don't understand what we go through. But, WHY IN GOD'S NAME should be hide in the shadows about this? It has NOT really worked for me. I say F that. It is like being gay in a way, prior to the 1970's gay people hid because they were persecuted, even prosecuted. Then there were the Stonewall Riots in 1969, and people in the GLBT community got fed up and said enough is enough. And it was a really tough, long struggle for acceptance, and there were heavy prices to be paid. But, look where it is today versus 44 years ago in 1969 - GLBT people have dramatically expanded their civil rights, and it looks like complete victory, marriage and legal equality nationwide is just around the corner.

We need to do the same with mental illness. I didn't ask for this crap, it's not my fault, why should I be treated any differently in society? Because one in a million people with mental illness might be a spree killer like Adam Lanza or a serial killer along the lines of Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs. So, should be ostracize and isolate everyone with an infection because one in a million might be something really dangerous like ebola or smallpox (in theory)? So, why should WE be treated like that?

If someone could tell me what I did wrong to have this, why it's some sort of divine punishment and I deserve it, I guess I would crawl away with my tail between my legs and go live in that gutter because it is my deserved fate. But, F that, too, I was a damned little kid, I was completely innocent. And, since then, with ALL of the crap that has gone down in my life, I can say that I have kept my honor. If people don't like me because of a diagnosis they can just stay out of my life. I know enough people that DO like me, even those that now know. I think that says something about me.

And, I think even the suicidal images I have say something about me, and to me. About me, they say that no matter what, despite whatever image of "crazy people" the ignorant have, I am a good and responsible man, I might hurt myself but never have had any thought of hurting anyone else. Why would I want to -- it's so much more rewarding to build up people than tear them down. And to me, it says that I am now at a point where it doesn't even bother me very much. It freaked me out 14 months ago, it had power then. It was like a throbbing, intense migraine. Now, it's like a little momentary twinge in my forehead, rub it a second and it goes away. It seems like it is less and less threatening. Take its power away, and it will soon go away.

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

As far as condemning antidepressants is concerned? I don't take them myself. But I have a feeling that they do not stop the challenges that PTSD presents. I think that someone has to go through whatever it is with PTSD that challenges them, until they slowly work through it with support until some healing takes place.

If you have a gaping wound and take antibiotics, well, the antibiotics will not actually "heal" the wound, but help to prevent the wound from getting infected while it slowly heals. It may be that antidepressants provide some protection in this way too.

Each person is going to be different, so it "is" important that you make sure you discuss everything that challenges you, especially if you experience a rise in suicidal thoughts.

I tend to agree, except I see drugs (any drugs) as a double edged sword for PTSD, symptomatic relief at best, then once you get off the drugs the symptoms become exacerbated during the withdrawals. The studies show that people with PTSD are far more likely to abuse drugs (marijuana in particular) alcohol and cigarettes. As a means to "self medicate" themselves, because the meds do such a terrible job, they give up and turn to the streets for their solutions. I think there is a cure for PTSD, but it comes from within, its a self transformation, a metamorphosis. It doesn't happen overnight, there is no magic pill, and it takes a lot of therapy and effort from the sufferer.

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Well, I may not have made myself clear -- when I say I am getting X level of symptoms while on an SSRI and a mood stabilizer, what I am trying to say is that I think it would be a lot worse without them.

A lot of it is fear of being labeled as "crazy" -- and I am slowly working my way through that. Because I was initially mortified that someone would know I had a "mental illness" or a "mental health issue" or that I was "crazy". And I was really mortified of being labeled as bipolar. Because I pretty much thought any of those terms were synonymous with being a "grave moral failure" or having a "profound character flaw". I know now just how stupid and STIGMATIZING that is. Good Lord, we all have problems. I am coming to a radical acceptance of one concept -- hiding in the shadows out of fear if stigma IS a problem -- because it's just that, hiding, covering up, it does create anxiety. Funny, that was the last straw with the quack last year, she told me I needed to "come out" for the good of the entire mental health community. I would NEVER want to give her the satisfaction of knowing this, but on that issue she was right. The timing, the reasoning was wrong -- if I fully "come out" it's going to be for my benefit, it will be only a secondary benefit to mental health advocacy. Hope that makes sense.

I hope I really CAN resolve this stalker thing, because I would like to be able to speak more openly here about it. Right now, I don't want to use the group name or any links because it might show up in a google search, and first and foremost, no one here needs to become their victims. It's like quarantine for a virus, keep it from spreading. But, when and if it is resolved, I definitely want to share some of it, because frankly it will just floor people at how cruel these sociopaths are. I'm pretty sure I'm not delusional and making this all up. Somehow I wish I were.

It is a real struggle to feel good about yourself when it seems like the world feels bad about you. Interesting, I had an appointment with my chiro this morning, the one whose father is a Holocaust survivor. He has the best outlook on life, he says his dad taught him how precious is it. I need to remember that -- my suffering is trivial, really trivial, compared to what his father went through, including the loss of his entire family, he was the only survivor. I've actually met a number of Holocaust survivors over the years, including a man who was not Jewish, he was held in a concentration camp because he was of a Baptist sect that would not recognize the Nazi authority. Almost all of them are gone now because of age. But they all seemed to be able to overcome everything and have good outlooks. Which is amazing to me -- I can only begin to imagine the kind of raging PTSD one must have from surviving something like that. It has all of the aspects of what I think many of here go through, the self esteem issues (can you imagine what it must be like to be told you are inherently inferior, even sub-human, because of your membership in a religious or ethnic group), the trauma issues, the abuse issues. Same issues we face, but on steroids to say the least. If my PTSD is a hundred foot tall hill, the PTSD of a Holocaust survivor is Mt. Everest. But they survived and learned to live again. My doc's father is now in an assisted living, his wife died about 6 months ago, and he has health issues (92 after all). My doc says he still has the best outlook and says he is grateful for each day God gives him.

I need to remember his example. My sufferings are nothing compared to what he survived.

Please stop minimizing your suffering Johnny, and embrace your "craziness" its doing you no good to hold onto this b/s propagandized hollywood version of what mental illness looks like.

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

How do you know a delusion is a delusion? I keep thinking back to that movie, A Beautiful Mind -- the Russell Crowe character is a math professor at an Ivy League school. He is schizophrenic, but no one knows it -- he tells his wife and a few other people that spies are after him because of some research he is doing for the Defense Department (it's set in the 1950's). They eventually realize it's all in his mind. But the movie presents it in a way it's totally believable until the rug is pulled out from under the viewers and they realize he has schizophrenia, in the way his wife figures it out.

So, how would you know. I'm pretty sure I have a firm grasp in reality, but the mind can play tricks. If this isn't real, I will commit myself for sure. I am confident in saying that because it's gotta be real. Even though it makes me sound crazy, because the situation is crazy. One of the creeps that posted said I couldn't have PTSD, because it's only for soldiers and heroes. Uh, try telling that to the American Psychiatric Association, I think they would NOT agree. A rape victim, then, is just faking it? That's what this dude was saying.

Well again, hollywood is full of S*** and not everybody who is delusional loses touch with reality. Delusions are far more common than most people believe, look at the idiots people voted into office, those guys are far more delusional and psycho than any schizophrenics I know.

But seriously these people sound like they are *** holes, and I think you should stay away from them, they are raining on your parade. right now you need to be more like this guy --->

From the DSM-5, proof that these idiots aren't worth listening to, anymore than watching fuzzy static channels on TV are worth watching.

Criterion A: stressor

The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, as follows: (1 required)

1. Direct exposure.
2. Witnessing, in person.
3. Indirectly, by learning that a close relative or close friend was exposed to trauma. If the event involved actual or threatened death, it must have been violent or accidental.
4. Repeated or extreme indirect exposure to aversive details of the event(s), usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, collecting body parts; professionals repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse). This does not include indirect non-professional exposure through electronic media, television, movies, or pictures.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

((Mowtown)),

Schizophrenia is different then PTSD, people who have schizophrenia hear voices and see things that are not really there, and there is a pathology that they can see in the brain of those who have it. I know the movie you are talking about, it is based on a true story too.

Also, the average person doesn't know about PTSD and all they do know is that it is something many veterans suffer from. It is not unusual for a person to "insist" that the average person doesn't get PTSD.

I happened to have a customer that was a neuropsychiatric specialist and she told me that "most" people who struggle with PTSD do not talk about it. She was surprised that I had been so honest about how I was challenged with it, especially considering that she was going to become a client of mine.

It is important that you understand that when you "are" open about your struggle with it, you will come across people that will respond to you in some very "unpleasant" ways or they may even be taken back by it thinking they need to be cautious with you or that you might start acting crazy or something. I have had people be very "unsupportive" and even be "mean" to me and even dismissive. It really hurt me, aggravated the PTSD, and made me struggle even more and I even got so bad that I began to experience some very dark thoughts. Well, now I realize these people simply just didn't understand, didn't mean to hurt me and they actually would have been devastated if I did act on my dark thoughts and it was only then they would realize their actions were very "unfair" to me.

The one thing I would like to see "changed" is that when someone is diagnosed with PTSD, their family members are taken into a special conference where it is explained to them and they are given ways to be supportive instead of being mean and so dismissive. When I was in the psych ward, I was in shock and total exhaustion and expressing clear red flags that I was in great danger of developing PTSD. They allowed my older sister to come in and visit me and yell at me, and blame me for something I really could not help. In my records they consistently discussed that even though I wanted to be released, my husband would "not" remove his guns from our home and did not want me to come home. No one sat him down and explained to him what I was going through either. When he finally did agree to have me be released to come home? He was angry with me the entire time he was driving me home. It was horrible, just horrible and it doesn't have to be that way. I feel horrible that people who struggle with it are often "mistreated" when they really just can't help it. When I look back knowing what I know now about it?, all I can say is OMG, why was I allowed to be treated so badly?, it could have been avoided, different, and it just was so unfair to me, and it isn't just me that goes through this, makes me so sad and angry.

OE

Yeah good point, and the true story is about John Nash Jr., He won the Nobel prize in economics and was also diagnosed with schizophrenia which he overcame in his later years, he said just by ignoring the voices.

Sorry to hear you went through all that OE.

[Open Eyes]

You know, I actually am NOT being nearly as hard on myself as I was a few weeks ago -- the extreme self hatred seems to be diminishing. That doesn't mean it won't rear it's ugly head, but I feel better from that aspect. And, it's funny, if I run myself down, I accept it. Someone else running me down, or running down anyone with any mental health issues gets me spitting nails. ~ quote Mowtown

Yes, as you get the support you need, keep going for therapy, these dark feelings will become less and less. You will begin to understand things better with time and as you learn more you will begin to gain some more inner strength again.

I would be a lot farther along myself but I have been trapped with the event that broke me down so badly. I still deal with crippled animals, the debt I have to keep paying on that is substantial, and my attorney who was declining mentally (dementia) made so many mistakes and no one would listen until early this year when "finally" I found a lawyer that was willing to listen and all she keeps expressing is how badly he handled my case, how he did so little, what a mess it is, and yes he is definitely losing it because she has experienced it for herself, he used to know her well, now he doesn't even remember who she is, yes, it is that bad.

I still have to deal with these neighbors, especially the father who crept up on me one day and told me he knew for a fact the containment system was malfunctioning in the beginning of May that year. My first attorney just put down an earlier date in the beginning as an approximate because I had been so overwhelmed at first. This neighbor definitely admitted they were well aware of the malfunction and that their dog was getting on our property too. Even though they "know" they say it is my word against theirs and are not cooperating. It is very hard to see them constantly the way I do, yes the people responsible for so much loss are in my face way too much which aggravates the PTSD badly. So I don't have any closure and this has been going on for over six years now and counting.

OE

[MotownJohnny]

Today sucks, again. I am very anxious, and I just can't find any peace. And that, in a nutshell, is why I'm back in the "it would be great to blow my brains out" mode.

However, still progress, I'm still not self-loathing. Feeling sorry for myself, yes. Feeling kind of hopeless that my life will ever get better, yes. Feeling like society automatically writes off anyone with a mental illness as "defective" or whatever, without being fair at all. Feeling like the hurt will never end, and my life will never be "normal" again.

[Open Eyes]

(((Mowtown))),

What you are forgetting is how many people have issues that you don't realize. Many people struggle with depression and other challenges and there really is no such thing as "normal" out there. It is like you are feeling bad because you are not that "picture perfect person", well go to a mall and sit and look at people and it will not be long before you realize how very few people are "picture perfect".

You are focusing too much on how other people will not understand your challenge and may think badly of you. That is very common when someone is challenged with PTSD to feel that way. But you have to get to a point where you can be "more ok" with that because the reality is people in general do not understand a lot of things, they tend to be in their own world of their "realities", and that is "just human nature".

PTSD is a big challenge, and the desire is to want some way to have other people realize this challenge and not think "badly" of people who struggle with it. People are not that easy to convince when they have no first hand experience with things and most people will even "fear" something they don't know how to understand. Most people will back away because they just don't know what to say or how to react, they just don't. You would not have really known how to respond before you experienced it first hand, you would probably say all the wrong things, not even realizing it, I know I would have.

Don't be so disillusioned, embrace those who do understand and try to be more accepting if you can.

OE

[MotownJohnny]

HNS, can you elaborate on what you wrote above:

"Please stop minimizing your suffering Johnny, and embrace your "craziness" its doing you no good to hold onto this b/s propagandized hollywood version of what mental illness looks like. "
Thanks, I'm just not quite fully understanding it, but I'm sure you're right.

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

HNS, can you elaborate on what you wrote above:

"Please stop minimizing your suffering Johnny, and embrace your "craziness" its doing you no good to hold onto this b/s propagandized hollywood version of what mental illness looks like. "
Thanks, I'm just not quite fully understanding it, but I'm sure you're right.

What I mean is that, it doesn't matter how somebody ended up with a disorder like PTSD or Depression, whether it was the Holocaust, WWII, Vietnam, Rape, Car Accident, Child Abuse, or they hurt themselves really badly and wound up with the disorder. In no way should you minimize anybody's suffering, not even your own, based on the circumstances that created the disorder. What matters is that the person has something called self-compassion for their own suffering, of which I believe you are lacking. You need to embrace, and understand that as a matter of fact, you are one of the unfortunate people who has a mental disorder, and a highly functioning one at that. Truly an inspiration to people like me, who are struggling to find work that it is in fact possible to work with a serious mental disorder like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder.

Let me know if you need me to elaborate further, and please check out that link I just posted, its a Psych Central blog about self-compassion and steps you can take to achieve it, self-compassion is very different and more important than self-esteem.

[Open Eyes]

I am not sure I agree with embracing craziness, that could be confused with "feed into it" which you do not want to do with PTSD. What you need to embrace is self compassion and a willing to learn, work through, mourn, and heal.

A good book for you to get and read is "Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman who discusses the healing stages of PTSD. I would say you are in the first stage Mowtown and sometimes stepping a little bit into the second stage, it can go back and forth for a while.

Healing is up and down for a while, it doesn't just go on a steady climb, "unfortunately", sigh, me too.

((Hugs))
OE

[avlady]

I hope you feel better soon

[MotownJohnny]

I'm sorry, but in don 't feel better. I am upset, scared, and then questioning my own sanity over this stalker thing. Maybe I have lost it all the way, and I'm in full blow psychosis. I kind of wish I were.

I have been abused over and over again in my life, and I am supposed to just take it. When I couldn't take it any more, and snapped, I tried to get help and was victimized yet again.

The quote I posted yesterday in a thread on the general MH board sums up exactly how I feel:

"You finally decide to get help, and then you’re punished for it – pigeonholed into a diagnosis, shamed, labeled, and discriminated against for life. The stigma can be worse than the illness.”

And I am so damned sick of it. I know I am a good man and a nice guy. I am sick of being the world's punching bag. Especially by people who don't even know me. For laughs, because they are sociopaths with a wolf pack mentality.

And I am not sure how to fight back.

[Open Eyes]

(((Mowtown))),

When I read your last post everything you are saying, I have said myself. I have been through a lot, and I am still dealing with a lot right now. Well, I used to deal with it, but since I have developed PTSD, I just feel much more then I ever imagined, not the same as others, I am "very sensitive" and I pick up on things others miss too.

I can also see right where you are with the PTSD too, you have a lot of anger that is surfacing and you fixate on things that you see are not right too.

I don't know "why" this stage takes place, but I went through it, I still struggle, however not nearly as bad as I used to. I went about a year with an anger that would just come out of no where, I would react to certain situations without even "consciously" thinking about being angry, it would come out of me and I could not even stop it either. The only thing I could do is "think about it after it happened".
I had to try to explain to my husband not to get upset with me when it happened but to just let it come out so I could think about it consciously. Now, there were triggers, things he said and body language he gave off that were not nice, but my reaction was not that of me consciously thinking about getting mad.

It took me time to get to a point where that didn't happen and a lot of it was from my history of abuse and the fact that I was also was very traumatized with suddenly having so much loss where it was all because my neighbor was just negligent, it didn't have to happen and he knew.

Something "hurt" my brain and it created PTSD and made me very, very sensitive.
Also a lot of bad things happened to me when I was alone and had no one there to see it or help me.

Mowtown, you are not going "crazy or psychotic", you have to realize that you are hurt and when you experience these challenging, even crippling emotions, it is the PTSD and it is going to take you some time to not be so "reactive". All your emotions are going to be magnified. What I mean by that is when you see an injustice - intense anger, or when you see someone else hurting and can feel their pain, when someone shows they are caring and you feel overwhelmed with appreciation, or when you feel lost or sad and the sad is just so very sad that all you do is just cry and cry. Also being "anxious" isn't just the average anxious, it is very painful and disabling at times. Also, when you remember abuse, it isn't just a memory, it is re-experiencing it in every way, you are there and hurting just as you were then, only it's worse because now you know more and can see how helpless you were at the time.

PTSD "is" frustrating and so very hard to explain to others, and often reactions are so magnified are unpredictable for a while so it is hard to be around others because you fear you will over react and they will simply not understand, and they don't, not unless it is a person who experiences it first hand or specializes in treating those who genuinely struggle. It isn't just the "magnified reactions" that are a challenge either, it is also the confusion and the pain and often exhaustion that also takes place. I used to get so bad I felt like my brain was going to explode it hurt so bad, a headache that I could not even describe would come on and I would have to take a Klonopin and lay down and have it "very quiet" until I could just settle down enough to function again. It frightened and confused me and I often fed into it because of that too.

When you say, "I am sick of being the worlds punching bag", yes, that is how it feels because right now you are "very sensitive" and you also have a lot of anger just beneath the surface, frustration too.

But Mowtown, you are not alone with seeing or having people treat you badly or others badly, or lie and manipulate and sometimes take pleasure in hurting others.
And because you are now so sensitive?, It will often seem like you are the only one who is seeing how bad it really can be too. You will also be able to "pick up" on things that others seem to "miss" too. Well, it's the sensitivity and you are seeing things that other people tend to not really see, overlook, are so distracted by their own little worlds that they just don't see what you see as "obvious".

It is going to take you some time and a good calm therapist who can validate you to finally get to a point where you get less and less "over reactive" to things. However, none of this is because you are or were ever "unworthy" in any way, but it can feel like that and the PTSD will magnify that feeling too. Everyone has doubts in themselves, it's just normal, but with PTSD these doubts are highly magnified.

I still have these challenges myself, but I understand them better and I do my best to be patient and I am much better at "self care" and no where near the way I used to suffer with it. It's going to take time for you to get better at calming down and even realizing that you "can" do better too. Also, you will learn a lot, more then you had ever realized about people and life. As you learn more you will not be so hard on yourself, because you will see yourself differently, in a much more humble relaxed way. You get some glimpses of that from time to time, I see it in your posts.

((((Hugs))))
OE

[JaneC]

Sorry you are feeling so bad Johnny make sure you talk about this with your therapist soon ok.

[MotownJohnny]

Yeah, this one is going to be uber-triggering. Sorry, just the way I feel right now.

Ugh, the whole thing, one giant fiasco from start to finish. The one positive, I got myself into great physical shape. I attended a two day continuing education seminar Mon and Tues. I left my name badge in my computer case and just wandered around talking to people I have known for 5-6 years. Almost all of them were like "Who are you?" until I filled them in. I mainly deal with them on the phone, but I have met all face to face several times. Between the fact I have lost a good deal of weight and the fact I now have a beard (well, really short, glorified 5 o'clock shadow, really) people didn't recognize me. That was funny.

Nothing else about this is funny. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. E IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT.

In case I wasn't making myself clear, I HATE IT.

Just shoot me already and get it over with. It would be a kindness.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I just cannot live like this. I have two choices, find a way to break free of this and move past it, or LET IT CONSUME ME. If it's the latter, I will shoot myself. And if it comes to that, I won't hesitate and I won't be doing it in a panic. It will be a deliberate act, and I will follow through.

And no, I can't "go tell somebody" about it. I may be insane, but I'm not effing crazy. I will NEVER be put in that position again. NEVER. Locked up like a common criminal "for my own good" - just to drag me down a few more feet into the mud and further brand me in the eyes of society. They might as well do that now, literally burn it into my hide, something along the lines of "mental patient, feel free to kick while down". All of this sucks beyond belief.

I guess when you "go for help" it's really just a euphemism for "get screwed over a thousand ways to Sunday".

I'm beginning to think the only help I can ever get for this comes from behind the firearms counter at Dunham's Sporting Goods.

Just shoot me and get this over with.

[Open Eyes]

Ok, whoa MowtownJohnny, you are having a bad day, lots of anger going on today for you. I am glad you let these angry emotions out, but please remember, "they will pass" too. You are reminding me of what I went through too, these dark thoughts that just seem to come about and those are very hard days, but they "do" pass so "never" act on them because you will get past this stage, I promise, for me it took several months, but it finally eased up.

Oh I do remember these dark days, they sure were tough, but I would hang on and get through them and kept seeing my T and kept working at it. I did get very angry about the ongoing challenges PTSD presented to me and that no one around me could understand, yeah, I felt "very alone" with it at times. But that will slowly change so you have to be patient, and patient for as long as it takes.

Just "vent" if you need to though ok? You are not alone with this, others here can relate.

(((Comforting and Understanding Hugs))))
OE

[MotownJohnny]

I can't see this getting better. 15 months and it still hurts. 40 plus years and it still hurts. And I didn't do any of it to myself. But society hates me because I am "mentally ill" and I don't measure up to the standard. Because God knows, I might just be a dangerous whacko so the theory goes. Second class citizen at best. They do that to ALL of us. I know they do, I hear the jokes and the slurs and the labels and the clucking tongues every time there is a news story about a shooting that has a mental health component to the story. I HEAR this now. It was always there. But I never heard it.

And it is so wrong. Blame the victim. It's exactly like those countries where they stone a rape victim to death because she clearly asked for it. Who are the sick ones? Us or them?

No contest, it's them. I have seen more dignity and humanity in the
"Mentally Ill" than in entire other segments of society.

Angry? Why not? I have assholes stalking me telling me the mentally ill should be gassed with Zyklon B. I never even met these people. Angry doesn't begin to describe it.

[Open Eyes]

I am listening, yes, there are many people who don't understand it, why?, because they have not experienced it first hand Mowtown. It's pretty profound when you have it and experience first hand how challenging it is. I felt just awful for anyone else struggling with it, and I was so angry for the way I had been treated and misdiagnosed and misunderstood too. My own family didn't get it, that could have been avoided if someone had taken the time to explain it to them.

Yes, there is more kindness and understanding in those who do struggle, but that's because they understand the challenge is "real" Mowtown, other people with no first hand experience are just not going to understand it, they just don't.

But Mowtown, there "are" people out there who are studying it every day, that develop new technology to try to see what is happening in the brain, trying to develop medications that can treat it, and it isn't just you and me that struggle with it, there are "many" people who struggle and they don't go and do bad things either, those people have more deep problems then the average PTSD patient.

Hun, you can't just focus on those individuals that are unsympathetic and crude and mock, because while they do exist, there are many who are compassionate and "do" care.

I understand your anger about those who stalk and say bad things about the mentally ill, well, they have always been there and they are just "low lifes", yes, there are lots of those around, always have been there in one way or another. However, it is better if you focus on finding those who are better, supportive, and are not that kind of person, because they "are" out there too. These low life people are looking for attention and they choose to try to get attention in some very negative and mean ways, the answer is "just don't play along with them and they eventually give up".

It takes more than 15 months to heal and gain on PTSD, at first it gets worse before you begin to make some gains on it. I had a trauma and at first went into depression and the PTSD didn't really hit bad until a year after and then I went through hell for another year and I felt like it was never going to get better. It doesn't happen overnight, and so it doesn't heal overnight either, some days can be unbelievably bad, and now that I look back, I just don't know how I hung on. But I finally found PC and that did help, and I finally found a good therapist and he pretty much saved me and sat calmly while I went through the phases that I see you going through too.

Mowtown, as hard as it is, you have to give this time, and you can't count the days with it and assume you are not going to get better, you will learn and grow from this so just commit to learning, anyway, that's really what life is about, we never get a guarantee with life, you are a good person, and no you never deserved to be hurt, neither did I and I still struggle with anger, I am still involved in a lawsuit, have to keep paying on a debt I never deserved and I can have very down days too. But I just keep trying, learning and healing.

Sometimes I want to vent in this forum too, right now I have situations going on that I am really struggling with there is so much going on I don't even know to begin. I often feel I should be stronger, be better, but I can still have "bad reactions" to triggers, but not as bad as I used to get, so I know I am gaining.

Mad? Flaming Mad? Well, my neighbor knew their containment system wasn't working, they knew their dog was getting on my property, they knew I didn't like it per many conversations. They admitted it but they scoff and say it is my word again theirs because they don't want to pay for their negligence. They don't respect my boundaries and will tear down my no trespassing signs. They almost hit me when I went down the right of way to get my mail. Mad? Oh, I know mad every day when I get up and go out and see damaged animals and now one of them will hurt even more with the cold weather coming. Every time I turn around another bill comes in because of all the damaged they caused me. I know all about "unfair and angry". Oh, I could tell you more too, but this post would turn into pages.

If I can improve with all that I have going on, I never get a break from, so can you.
You can do it, but it just doesn't come overnight. It has been over six years since I lost so much, developed this cursed PTSD, had it get so crippling in a way I never dreamed could happen. And the average person just doesn't get it and I realize I can't blame them, they just don't know, I wish they could live in me for just a week so they would at least know how challenging it is. But I have met "caring people" too.

Are you going to have bad days? Yes, but you will also have decent days too.

OE

[JaneC]

Johnny......be angry, be sad, feel everything you are feeling...it is your right and eventhough it hurts like hell, it WILL improve. You know this, you have experienced this up and down BS that is part of PTSD. Just read back over this thread and you will see.

Saying that...it doesn't mean that it wont hurt......it does. Saying that....it doesn;t mean that it wont feel totally hopeless when having bad days....it does. BUT, it does get better...just like waves coming and going.

I know this and will write about it soon on my thread, 3 nights ago I was having a very bad day, one of the worst so far, I came very close to trying to end things....but before I did I remembered that this **** called ptsd was running the show and that I wanted to get better.

I am sure that you do too....you already seem to have made inroads. I can see your suffering and pain here Johnny, and I am sorry, but try not to let what other people say or do affect you journey to recovery.....it is your journey and you can tell those others that try to bring you down to EFF right off!

(Sorry I know there was bit of swearing there, which is not particularly ladylike, but I feel strongly about this and hate to see you suffering so)

[JaneC]

How are you doing now Johnny? Keep posting for us wont you.....we care.

[MotownJohnny]

Yes, I'm still here, both in cyberspace and in the real world. I just went sort of emotionally numb yesterday, I guess that is a defense mechanism, probably the mind's best way, short of having an actual dissociative episode, of protecting itself. I guess it is throwing a circuit breaker to stop an overload.

I just had a few really bad days. You know, one of the weird ironies is this - I was very triggered by the anniversary dates, back in August, September, of my breakdown in 2012 and all of the subsequent events that flowed from it. So, as always, I found it really helpful to write about it online. Here and on my other MHS forum. I "come out" about the whole suicide attempt, how I feel like I am truly the worst man to ever walk the face of the planet, someone who would make Hitler or Stalin look like Mother Theresa or Martin Luther King in comparison to me. And I really struggle with that feeling.

And I do work through it, I really have put that behind me. Intellectually always knew it was a false belief which was a manifestation of PTSD symptoms. Emotionally I couldn't accept it as false conditioning, a symptom, nor could I accept it as true because I have this other half of my personality which sees the good in myself. A real struggle.

But I work through it, I win that battle, and I come to accept that, hey, I'm a pretty terrific guy, and when people tell me things to that effect, it's true.

And ... I will have to complete this episode later - sitting here dozing off and I just can't do it.