[archipelago]

I have PTSD for a number of reasons. I get triggered on anniversaries often. Christmas time is one such example because I was brutally manhandled by a cop who was supposed to be doing just a welfare check but he essentially assaulted me.

Last year I had a powerful and vivid recollection of the whole thing. It was terrifying just as if it were happening again. I don't know if I'll have flashbacks this year but I want to be careful and give myself space just in case.

Problem is my husband isn't listening to me about this. His daughter, who I don't like anyway, wants to come over and cook a meal for the family. I told him why I couldn't participate. That I would either have to go elsewhere or she could do it on New Year's which she herself mentioned.

He just got very stern and angry. He just feels that he has to negotiate the problems in his family and wants things to go his way so he doesn't have to deal with the problems.

I asked again if he had even heard what I said. He was just a jerk and didn't seem to be able to take it in. Now I'm really hurt and angry and worried that he is just going to say yes and let her take over the house that day, when I don't have any other place to go and wouldn't want to be around people anyway.

[archipelago]

I'm a little bit disappointed that I posted and have not heard from anyone. This is quite difficult and need some understanding. I already feel unsupported and misunderstood enough.

[Leah123]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this, I wish I had words of comfort or wisdom, but, I pretty much had to settle for sending you a hug as holiday conflicts are so difficult to navigate, given the traditional focus on this type of family gathering. I don't know what to say except you're not alone and I hope you two find a peaceful place of compromise.

[sweepy62]

Im sorry that you are going through this and that your h is unsupportive, my h is totally unsupportive even of my therapy, so I understand you, and validate your feelings. His daughter should not take full command of that dinner, and you should have a say so. As far as the cop did you file a complaint?

[archipelago]

Thanks, I just needed to hear back from someone since I feel like I'm not being understood and that hurts.

I know holidays are difficult anyway and it was easier when his family members lived in town so they would do it at their places. I don't celebrate anyway and had very ugly run ins with his daughter so that adds to it and would essentially be fake to act like that was okay. I just don't get why he can't be supportive of what is obvious as a trauma. He should have reassured me and been sensitive to what I was saying. I had to repeat the story 3 times before he seemed to hear me. that made me feel triggered.

Yes, I did file a complaint and they did an internal investigation which basically means a whitewash. They first told me that force was used but it was warranted which is untrue. The guy strangled me with a choke strap when I was passive and in handcuffs and he laughed in my ear as I was dangling. Then they sent another finding saying the whole incident didn't even happen. that was telling. They think they can do that due to the factor of mental illness so they can just use that as the reason why they can get away with anything. It totally sucks.

[sweepy62]

Yeah holidays are major triggers for me, I never do well regardless of coping skills, my h thinks as long as I have basic needs met, I should not have anything to feel angry, sad, or any of those other emotions, sometimes I feel like a pet.

[hannabee]

I'm so sorry that happened to you and that you cannot to anything about it, That does suck. I might think that my husband would be upset but would turn the anger towards the wrong person, since he would know there was nothing he could do either! Then again, my husband also triggers me to smoke (like you) and I can't seem to rationalize that lol....anyway hope you get things sorted out with your step daughter. (I didn't speak to mine for almost 5 years, because of the way she treated me at her wedding), so there's no crime in you just telling them both NO. Hugs!!

[archipelago]

Thanks. I'm starting to feel more understood and that helps a lot. Also my shrink did call me. He's been out of town so it was difficult to handle this after two weeks of no sessions. My husband is now acting as if nothing happened and trying to normalize so that's good because I was afraid that it would continue and escalate.

I am going to say no and draw a line. I don't want to feel like I have to say the whole reason why, but if that prevents it then I will do that. I don't really want her to do it on New Year's either but at least then it's not an anniversary and I can try to be out of the house while it's going on though that will make my husband angry I'm sure. I have to protect myself. that is my main duty. I've had too many troubles in my life. I don't need to let ones in that I can prevent.

[sweepy62]

Im glad your pdoc called, and things didnt escalate with your h. You always need come first and make sure you are in a safe place both mentally and physically.

[archipelago]

I think I may email the daughter and tell her no and perhaps explain why. She is rather difficult and sorta thick about things so I don't know how she would react. She has been trying to be better toward me, but the old history we have still bothers me. I won't bring that up now.

[sweepy62]

Let us know how that email goes,

[archipelago]

I sent an understated email that I just had an anniversary of a traumatic event at Christmas time and needed space so she could do it at New Year's instead. She was brief but asked if I would prefer her doing it somewhere else. I would actually prefer that but have a feeling that it would make my husband angry. I realize that he needs to see his family. On New Year's things are open so I could always go out and not be around. I haven't answered and may not. I may let it drop until the date comes closer. At least I feel somewhat more reassured that my needs are being respected, which is not how I felt before.

[hannabee]

Good for you for standing up for yourself! My step daughter and I get along now, but I'll never feel the way I did before she mistreated me. Her loss really, I did the best I could but had a very bitter ex-wife (her mother) involved. Hopefully you're not dealing with one of those!

[JaneC]

archipelago....I am sorry you did not get responses straight away, I know how invalidating that can feel when you are already feeling unheard and misunderstood.

I have not been on, but if I were I would have told you this..... I know how you feel, NYEve is the anniversary of one of the times that I was raped and I find it very hard...especially given there is no one to support me through this tough time. I can imagine how it must feel to have your needs pushed aside by a significant other who ought to be putting you first.

Now, I am glad to hear that you have worked through it.....and that you seem to have come to a great resolution, well done on achieving this despite being in a difficult place emotionally. You are very courageous.

Kind and caring to you

[archipelago]

Thanks for all your replies and concern. It made a difference. I just did what I needed to. I've been through this kind of thing too often to not do anything in advance to give myself space. It sucks that it is on a holiday when others want to get together. I do understand that, but it is not fair to not be heard and feel empathy for my situation. I still don't feel that empathy, except on here and with my shrink. Someday my husband will come around. That will be a real step forward.