Something is wrong with me...

Over the past 7 days, any appointment I´ve had has made me somehow really upset in advance and I don´t know WHY all of a sudden....

It started last Friday, I coulnd´t sleep for 8 or 9 hours I lay awake not being able to stop thinking about this appointment the next day (which I have EVERY friday, and it usually does not make me nervous in advance...)

I ended up canceling it at 7 in the morning. Only after I cancelled, I could fall asleep.

The same happened the next Tuesday, when I canceled at 4 in the morning and immediately could go to sleep after (again, no big appointment, I´ve had simular all the time lately and they didn´t upset me in any way)

And last night again, I lay awake hours, feeling like my brain just wouldn´t shut off because of the appointment the next day. I wasn´t anxious at first, I just noticed how I myself was keeping my brain switched on and wouldn´t allow myself to let go and sleep before I had canceled it ( i need to cancel them right away too, I can´t wait til morning to do so, or I won´t sleep.)

When this happens, I get really angry at myself, frustrated, I start really hating myself, because I know that I, noone else, my own body, is causing me this misery and keeping me from relaxing.
I even get urges to hit myself in the face because I´m soo frustrated and angry at myself for not being "normal" (... I know )

I don´t know what´s wrong with me lately! And what caused this.
I guess maybe my subconsciousness is telling me I need more quiet and private time and is practically "forcing" me to take it?... I don´t know

Well, you have developed an anxiety about therapy, so you must not "feel safe" when you are with your therapist for some reason. You should be able to go to therapy knowing that when you do go it gives you a chance to vent and talk and feel the therapist is going to listen and not just judge you in some way.

Therapy is something you should look forward to IMHO, with a sense that you are going to spend time with someone who will be caring, listen, and nurture you through your healing process. When someone struggles with PTSD, they need to have a therapist that they really feel understands "their unique challenge" and be there to help them slowly work through it and understand it themselves. People with PTSD often have a very hard time understanding it and verbalizing the ways they struggle. If they are with someone who reacts with any "just comments" it becomes very painful and unsettling for them. Often people who struggle do well when they are with others that struggle with it too because they gain a tremendous amount of comfort just knowing that someone else actually knows the challenge first hand.

What I have found for myself is that when I was really struggling and had to be around others that sent me messages where they didn't understand it and were only going to tell me to "just deal, just calm down, just stop dwelling etc." I would literally reel in pain until all I could do is try to escape to my bed with a bad headache and not be able to function.

I didn't make any real progress until I worked with a therapist who remained "calm" and let me know that he had a real understanding of how "very real" and "crippling" my symptoms would get.

So you need to think about how your therapist has become a source of threat to you somehow where just the thought of having to be with him/her brings you this amount of discomfort.

When this happened to me, as hard as it was, I did talk to my therapist about it, I was so profoundly moved by how difficult it was for me to function with the PTSD that I just felt that because my therapist also worked with others, that maybe he could learn something from me that would also help him think about how he could make it more "safe" and "helpful" for others too. Well, it worked and my therapist was open minded and understanding and I was able to slowly develop a relationship with him where I felt "comfortable" with him and actually looked forward to our sessions.

So what is it about this therapist that makes you feel uncomfortable? Maybe if you work on that here in this thread some of us can help you figure out how to overcome that.

(((Hugs)))
OE

Hmmm, I don´t know... First I have to say that only one of those appointments I had to cancelt due to anxiety was therapy, the one today.

I don´t know.. I usually really do look forward to therapy even though I´m usually nervous at the beginning of each session and sometimes before.
But I never feel like I don´t want to go...

This is also what really frustrated me today, because I kind of wanted to go, but obviously some part of me wouldn´t allow it...?

I don´t know I think it´s not so much about the content of each appointment that made me nervous but HAVING an appointment AT ALL.. if that makes sense...?

Oh Alisha, I posted this and then read your other thread and remembered that while your T is nice, she is not a T that has a specialty in working with PTSD/trauma patients. She may know about PTSD but that doesn't mean she really has the expertise to actually "treat" patients that struggle with PTSD, and there "is" a difference. What comes to my mind is someone who has seen people ride horses, may have even read about how to ride horses but never actually rode or experienced being with a horse themselves. And a horse knows "quickly" when someone who is inexperienced is around them or on their back, they pick up on the uncertainty and fear/confusion right away. Well, that is how people who struggle with PTSD are too, they are so sensitive they pick up on the "messages given off by an inexperienced therapist" and quickly and it makes them uncomfortable. A person with PTSD, being very sensitive, needs to sit across from a therapist who is right on target with their knowledge and experience with their ability to pick up on the needs of the PTSD patient very quickly and also giving off a confident sense of "knowing and experience". There simply cannot be any "questions" about PTSD coming from a treatment provider, they have to be able to identify and be right on target with "soothing helpful responses" in dealing with a PTSD patient. A T has to be right on target with "validation" when they see a patient struggling too. And the T has to present the right body language and facial expressions that go right in step with this ability too because a PTSD patient is so sensitive that they pick up on even the slightest sign of "not understanding or possible dismissive reaction".

The other thing a T must provide is a place where a patient can let out their overwhelming emotions until they can get to a place where these stored up emotions have emptied out and they can begin to feel the relief from finally being allowed to "let it out" verses having to obey all the messages from others that keep telling them they need to "hold it all in and control it all the time". A PTSD patient has a lot of "emotional pain and pent up anger" and desperately needs to let it all out because they just cannot keep it pent up any longer. They need to let it out without feeling ashamed, cry if they need to, be angry if they need to, and whatever they need to no longer "suppress can just finally come out" without having to have someone "that is going to tell them it is wrong to need to do that".

A good trauma specialist will "never" be dismissive in any way, they "have to be right there with a patient", it is a must. A good PTSD/trauma patient therapist must give the patient their undivided attention with a calm and concerned and knowing presence as their patient is expressing their "trauma needs". A good trauma therapist has to be "right there to witness whatever their patient needs them to witness" and totally validate and "believe" the patient with "full attention, yet being very calm and attentive". A good trauma therapist is "never condescending" to their patient either, instead they need to have every step in their therapy in full recognition of the "enormous need" and "sensitivity" of the patient. Any hint of a therapist conveying a "I don't believe you" verbally or physically, will ruin the therapy session and begin a sense of lack of trust in their patient.

The therapist "must" set up a space for the PTSD patient to really feel they are in a safe environment where the presence they have with them is "I am here, I believe you, I am listening, I know how you genuinely struggle, you are safe here and I am committed to validating what ever you really need and to help you understand these deep "very real needs" that challenge you and that there are no "just solutions" as so many others say to you that "cause you to feel even more pain".

Yes, because people who "hurt" can't let it out somehow, are told to hold it in or suck up or behave or "just take it" somehow, they do turn to other ways of expressing their pain. They self injure, they develop eating disorders or have anger issues, or withdraw and often feel guilty simply because they "genuinely need help to express whatever deep need is just not being heard somehow".

OE