Need to talk about stuff...

I recently joined PsychCentral and am trying hard to keep myself from falling apart to the point where I end it all. I do not want to do that, because for the first time in my life I am beginning to feel that I have a right to be alive and maybe be happy. Anyway, it's Xmas time and I'm all alone, no family, one friend in the world. I had a lot really awful stuff happened to me when I was younger, and know after all my years in therapy that my life was very bad, but I am only now beginning to grasp that in some ways I never had a chance even in the begining. My Dad gave my brother and I away when I was not even a year old, into the care of a raging alcholic, who mistreated us, because he didn't want our mother to have to deal with us as she was pregnant. Apparently we lived with this being for a year, at least. I used to think I was a ghost rather than human, and now I understand why. Ghosts can't be harmed they have no substance and can come and go at will. That would describe "me" my MPD to a "T".

I've always thought that because of some stuff that happened when I was a little older I had been really wounded mentally, but now realize that it was the first two years of my life that started it all. I didn't realize how strong my Borderline tendancies were because of this. I finally know and am trying to work with it, but find myself at a loss as to understand other people. When something happens I think it is my fault, rather than perhaps the other person is not the friend I thought they were. I realize I don't know how to trust, accept maybe my dog and cats because they don't have hidden agendas and seem to deal with what is right in front of them, and they are never unkind to me.

I know PTSD is the result of prolonged abuse or severe physical or emotional trauma and I know my story, but I still feel like a ghost, even after nearly 22 years of therapy. A few years ago I was working with a psych intern at a nearby medical school and as we went through a form that would allow me to guage the extent of my PTSD we discovered that every topic had some relevance, every topic, and there were at least 10 which included war, rape, physical, sexual and emotional trauma and then some. It is a nightmare when I think about it all. I guess what it comes down to is I need to get through my head that sometimes even if a person grows up in a family where both parents have master's degrees and look and act really good on the outside, it doesn't matter because inside the real "Bob" and "Margaret" were hideous monsters. My father made me help him bury a woman he "accidentally" strangled when I was five. Yet, he also used to call me his Sugarplum Fairy and nurtured a growing love of ancient history and the arts in me which is a part of myself I am very grateful for. How do I reconcile all this within myself and not want to die because I feel I am worthless or too damaged.

I don't know what to say, but didn't want to leave you without responses. Stuff like that can be really hard to digest sometimes. I know my T is trying to convince me that I can just make a conscious choice to move on from the past... but that feels too easy. I hope you can find some solace in something...

Hello I'm glad you have found PC. You will find a lot of support here and lots of helpful information. I too have been going through a seriously deep and dark depression due to things that have happened in my life. The one thing I can tell you is that it is not your fault. You didn't choose your parents. What they did to you was horrible and you will never forget what happened. But you can learn to live. Please know that there are many of us here at PC fighting the exact same battle like you. Please never give up and please continue posting and seeking PC support. Hang in there!

Hi Noelle

I'm really glad you shared, very courageous of you! It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed by everything.

I have a different story but I do know what it feels like to try and face the fact that crap oozes through every aspect of your life. Triggers everywhere!

Just want you to know that I hear you and am sending you heaps of hugs

Yes keep posting and you'll find yourself in some of the stories here too. Having someone validate you is a good thing, you are not alone!!

((Noelle)),

Unfortunately, there are people in society that are "bad" people, but they make it look like they are well educated and are responsible upstanding citizens. They are all around us in society and when they finally get caught, people are shocked at what they managed to conceal. Yes, there are people who are twisted that get into high social positions to where they have the kind of power where their victims feel helpless to speak up in fear that no one will believe them because of "who their abuser is".

These people tend to pick victims that are in a position where they are "very vulnerable" and powerless and that often is a "helpless child". Or, in a scenario that recently came out around where I live where a Doctor had been abusing female patients in a place where these patients that sought health care through a system set up to treat people who were low income. Finally, one of the patients was strong enough to speak up and finally others came forward who were also victims but had been too afraid to speak up.

While these predators get punished from time to time and people are shocked by the labyrinth of people around them that are in their web of deceit, there are still many that unfortunately manage to continue with their web of deceit and never get caught or be held responsible somehow. And often society allows that to take place because of who these people are or the kind of power they have. This could be in any "high" position, be it politics, a doctor, a religious leader, a top psychiatrist, a powerful business owner of a successful business, or a huge establishment that could stand to lose a lot if this one person's bad actions are revealed, for example the Sandusky case.

It's always very hard to believe that people like this exist, often society doesn't want to believe it, it's too hard to see the reality and unfortunately people often choose to disbelieve and look the other way. Often people want to disassociate from reality and pretend these bad things don't really exist. This is especially true if there is a social network where people are doing "well" in life around this "tainted individual or individuals". These individuals are "very, very smart" and are extremely charming and well spoken and very good at convincing people around them that they are "very good people".

I am very sorry that you had to be exposed to this kind of predator in a way that you had no choice because you were only a child. Unfortunately, you are not alone with this kind of challenge and it "is" hard to find a way to have a sense of self. However, even though it is hard, it is important to speak up and tell your story. Our society needs to finally learn how to spot these kind of predators and be strong enough to stand up to them. Society has to "demand" accountability no matter 'WHO" it is that is abusing in some way.

OE

Noelle, it sounds very much like what I struggle with. I too have a very mixed view on my future, half of me says "go for it, live the life you deserve" while the other half fixates about a dozen times a day on how great it would be to stop at the hunting department of the local sporting goods store and purchase the means of my self-destruction. This must be common with c-PTSD sufferers. I wish I had good advice for you, but is myself am lost.

When you say you were made to participate in covering up a murder, was the perpetrator, your father, brought to justice?

Noelle

Sending you huge hugs of support and prayers of care. I hear you, I feel this way too. You are not alone and many members here would gladly be your friend... myself included.

Stay strong, keep on keeping on!

I know I'm late with this, but thank you for being kind enough to respond to my post. I couldn't even remember where it was, I was so messed up back then.

Thank you for being kind enough to respond. It helped, I'm still alive.

I'm a bit confused about things right now, but wanted to thank you for posting such a kind reply. I hope I get this right. I'm still confused, but at least I'm still here.

Your response to my post has had me thinking. I've tried for years to deal with what I saw. I contacted the FBI about 5 years ago and found out things were worse than I thought. Yes, they knew about my Father, and well, sometimes things can be worse. I'm just trying to go forward now and leave the past to itself. In view of what I found out I think it's all I can ever do. I cannot make any sort of reparation at all for my Father's actions or those of anyone else involved with him or my family. All I can do is survive. Thank you. People like you give me hope.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded to my original post in this thread. I'm still a bit confused and unsure about things, even how to post on this site, but am coming back together. I don't know much about anything except that I do believe I have the right to a good life same as everyone else, and this is a good place for comfort, support and to learn we are never alone in our pain. Sharing helps so much. I am trying to learn not to isolate myself, which I do the most when my life is upside down and the pain is the worst. I know though, only I can help myself, but the wonderful folks who responded you all helped so very much.

((noelle56))

You are welcome, come and talk/post whenever you need to.

((Hugs))
OE