[Jkw223]

Hi Everyone

My husband has dealt with what I have suspected to be anxiety and/or depression for years now, and has been a big city homicide detective for about 5 years. He was recently diagnosed with PTSD. No specific event, just general horrible job-related experiences. He tells me about a lot of what he sees, as I am a nurse and have dealt with some horrible things myself and can handle it, but he, being a man, doesn't want to get into the feelings part. He is seeing a psychiatrist and I can understand if he doesn't want to get all touchy feely, but I don't know how to help him. Is just being here enough? What am I supposed to do when he tells me that having a family makes it hard for him to go to an abused baby's autopsy? Makes me feel like I need help too. Not sure how to handle this.

Thanks

[ResaLock]

Is this a PTSD specialist by law enforcement. I am not sure if they have their own. I am assuming so. Though he may not want to discuss or lay all of the details of his work on you. It would help if you talk with his therapist also. They may have suggestions. Also seek out support of maybe forming a support group with other women who are wives of detectives or related law enforcement. If they do not have one, maybe you can suggest starting one.

Though you may feel helpless. When people have PTSD a lot of their feeling is denying comfort. Especially in this case. They may deny comfort when they see others without it, or hurt. It is them sharing in others suffering. It is a normal grieving our body does for others.

...but they need to be comforted. You need to comfort your husband. Hold him. Its possible he could release.

Its not a case if someone can handle it or not. Everyone is different on how they encounter things. ...and more perceptive and more sensitive people. Are going to hurt more. The gift comes with a severe consequence.

The best detective see more. When they see more, their going to hurt more. We see things in different ways. ...but a detectives job has to analyze things a bit differently and more closely. Also getting more personal involving the details in their lives and around them AND THEIR MINDS...

and when you have to deal with minds of mad men, and the innocent who are harmed by it. It is touch.

The less perceptive will be more assumptious. This is how they get bad cases gone wrong not properly investigated right. ITS A NOBLE JOB. ...its VERY DANGEROUS.

Not because of only physical threats or physical diseases....but the type that is not seen and can sneak up on you, and poison you, and threaten your own mind.
THATS WHERE THE BRAVE GO...that so many avoid going...

He needs to be held. If he refuses. Ease into it gently. Talk to him gently. ...BUT NOT WHAT YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO OR SUPERFICIALLY!

A rub on his shoulders. Letting him know you admire what he does. Letting him know people like him are needed.

I cannot respond to the statement about him saying,"having a family makes it difficult going to an abused babies autopsy."

Because I do not have enough info on your relationship and your discussion about it. ...and how that is brought up, or if you now have children or not, or if future plans were discussed.
So I do not want to respond randomly to that.

I cannot say per-say that you need help. ...but maybe just a bit of support. ..and I would check out law related wifes and support to such situations. Maybe talking to someone on the force or calling someone anonymously to get info about it. ...Maybe you could seek out or even start a city support group for law enforcement wifes.

Just some thoughts...

[Open Eyes]

((Jkw223)),

I was told a long time ago that most people in jobs that are exposed to "traumatic" scenarios constantly, only last about 5 years.

Maybe your husband might want to consider a career change? It doesn't mean he is not man enough if seeing the worst in humanity constantly has taken a toll on him. I personally can't imagine having to see this part of humanity daily and not getting to a point where it takes it's toll. Often people get into this type of work because they respect human rights and want to be a part of working on protecting people. The problem is that it isn't at all like the programs we see on TV, often it is much harder to get "true justice and get the bad guy".

Most of the first responders in the Newtown Tragedy are battling PTSD and probably will not be able to go back to working in that field.

IMHO, the best way you can be supportive is to listen and validate him, and sit next to him and gently rub up and down his back for him as touch is "very important" no matter what age someone is.

He is going to have to come to some kind of understanding in his mind that "yes" people do horrific things to each other, even to innocent children. He may not have the ability to deal with that fact every day, not many people "can" and many develop PTSD.

[Teacake]

As a nurse, you can understand the physiology of PTSD. Your husband does not need touchy feely solutions to a physiology stuck in sympathetic nervous system arousal. He doesn't have a disorder of the psyche, and there is nothing psychologically wrong with him. He is stuck in physiological stress. He can get unstuck. He can get his body unstuck.

Read David Berceli's books on trauma. They are simple. Dr. Berceli is a psychologist who worked with physiologists and neurologists to understand PTSD. He served in Vietnam, and he served as a Catholic missionary all over the world working with people afflicted by mass trauma, war and natural disaster. He knows from trauma and PTSD.

He designed a method that is safe, simple, free and EFFECTIVE for restoring the body from hyperarousal and stress disorder to normal, peacetime body. It is a series of simple exercises done standing to keep you grounded, stressing and stretching lower body, then gently opening the psoas muscles to activate the bodies natural tremble reflex. You have to try it to be able to judge it.

Why the psoas? Isn't that weird? Deep core muscles that attach our legs, pelvis and back are related to PTSD? Imagine yourself hearing a loud noise, or having to slam on the brakes. What does your body do? It curls over your tender under belly. whether you are standing or sitting, your tilt your pelvis, hunch your shoulders, and curl forward. Every one does. We do that when we are in physical danger, and we do that when we hear bad news. This is why a lot of stress can make our lower back ache. Its why people walking away from a disaster look pitched forward from the hip.

Surely you have seen people tremble after childbirth or other exertions, coming out of anasthesia, or after a fright. This is the body's natural way of shaking off excess stress, and relieving itself of the burden of trauma. We get PTSD and other disorders of traumatic stress, because we suppress this natural instinctual remedy. You know why. We can't have our nursed and policemen trembling as they work. It would scare us to death. We have to suppress our tremble reflex to do our work and avoid frightening each other, but we can also go off after work and reactivate the trembling. It releases us. It frees us. It feels good and it creates lasting change.

Go to traumaprevention.com. Google David Berceli TRE. Look at the videos on youtube. This method works. It is simple. It is pleasant to do. It feels good to shake off trauma. It feels like having had a massage or swum until you feel drowsy. It's delicious. If memories happen, they just happen, without tension. Like...the scary part of a police show without the scary music, with pleasant music instead, if you know what I mean.

I've had PTSD a long time. Like your husband, it wasn't that my life was in danger, I just had a too intimate understanding of the horrors of this life. This method has unfrozen me, released me to live a real life.

It's free. You can work with a certified facilitator or therapist if you choose, or you can learn from Davids book. I learned from the book. There are yoga instructors and therapists who are learning how to teach the method but you don't need a teacher. Davids method is designed to be a stand alone self administered self help therapy.

I'm training to learn how to teach this method to others. I will never make any money at it. It's not a money maker. It's a free method you can learn from a book. But it's a life saving method. It is effective. I've wasted a lot of other people's money on psychiatry and psychotherapy, and got at most a five percent improvement of some symptoms. Waste of life. Bercelis TRE works. GABA works too, for nightmares and night terrors. Those two things are your cure. They have been mine.

Peace,

Teacake

[likewater]

(((Jkw223))) you're husband is a good man responding to very evil situations. What might make jim feel more helpless is his clients are already dead and he can't fix that. You are are nurse, you can save andhelp people. You can alleviate suffering. But also, yes, you need to take care of you as well. You are exposed to trauma at your job and through hearing about your husband's. I hope you both find a compassionate well qualified trauma therapist. May angels surround you.

[honeystyx]

I am very sorry to hear that you are facing these challenges, and I hope that your husband is receiving excellent professional help.

Approx. 6 months ago, I became the primary caregiver to my partner, after he suffered a traumatic accident. A few months of dealing with the acute injuries and a puzzling post-concussive state, and I thought I'd be able to take a breather. He has now been diagnosed with PTSD, and so much of his behavior, his moods, and my difficulty connecting with him, now make much more sense.

The diagnosis, however, does not help to soothe my frequent feelings of helplessness and of being overwhelmed; it is so difficult to watch your loved-one suffer, and PTSD can affect all aspects of their life and yours. I did not know of caregiver fatigue until this chapter of my life, and as a nurse I imagine that you may understand it better than most. If you feel that you need help, please do not hesitate to reach out to your friends and family, or to seek support from local resources. I arrived at these forums because I realized that I dearly needed help understanding and processing my partner's condition along with its effects on our relationship, and I return anytime that I am feeling lost and overwhelmed.

You ask if just being there is enough - I wish I knew if it were true for everyone, but my partner has expressed to me many times that just being together has helped him through some difficult moments. When he is experiencing a bad bout of anxiety, or seems completely numb to the world around him, I do my best to get him to a physically safe and comfortable space (sitting on the couch, lying down in bed) and offer a hug, hold his hand, just let him know that I am there for him and that I love him. In the moment, it can be hard to tell if it is helping, but when he is in a calmer state of mind, he has told me that these small acts of care and affection were very good for him. I am sure that every experience is different, and your husband may respond better to other things, or not at all, but I think that your expressing love and letting him release emotionally however he needs to (even with statements about how having a family makes certain things difficult) is the best you can offer him. I am still learning that it is important not to take personally my partner's moods and expressions of stress or anxiety, and of course doing my best to remember to take care of myself and my emotional needs too.

Wishing you the best with everything, it is a balancing act and can be tremendously challenging, but you are not alone.

Originally Posted by Jkw223

Hi Everyone

My husband has dealt with what I have suspected to be anxiety and/or depression for years now, and has been a big city homicide detective for about 5 years. He was recently diagnosed with PTSD. No specific event, just general horrible job-related experiences. He tells me about a lot of what he sees, as I am a nurse and have dealt with some horrible things myself and can handle it, but he, being a man, doesn't want to get into the feelings part. He is seeing a psychiatrist and I can understand if he doesn't want to get all touchy feely, but I don't know how to help him. Is just being here enough? What am I supposed to do when he tells me that having a family makes it hard for him to go to an abused baby's autopsy? Makes me feel like I need help too. Not sure how to handle this.

Thanks