![]() |
FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
#1
|
|||
|
|||
I've been married 14 years, 40yo. I'm 32 weeks pregnant with our second child. I grew up in a very violent and emotionally abusive home and have PTSD. I also manage a mood disorder, most likely due to the abuse. My husband and I have gone through rough periods in which I feel disrespected and undervalued. During those times I find myself feeling emotionally needy, like I have other needs that my husband can't fulfill. My husband has a short temper, and when he gets frustrated with me complaining about something or expressing my feelings, he flips out and screams at the top of his lungs. He's only gotten physical with me a few times in our relationship, but two weeks ago he completely lost it when I expressed that he and his sister hurt my feelings. (Too long a story for here, but I'm convinced my feelings were justified.) That night he screamed, followed me up the stairs, and tore a cup of hot tea out of my hand, spilling it everywhere and making me feel threatened. After I got him to come downstairs so he wouldn't wake our 8yo son with his screaming, he picked up a chair and hurled it over his head, then picked it up again and threw it at me. I saw it coming and moved away in time. I was so scared I ran downstairs and locked the door. He kept pounding on it and screaming, saying I was crazy and I blew the chair throwing out of proportion. I didn't know what to do. I was scared he'd find a spare key and get into that section of our house. I briefly considered calling the police, but I love my husband and didn't want my son's father arrested (he could get in huge trouble for attacking a pregnant woman in our state). I finally called my neighbors. He calmed right down when they showed up. Anyway, ever since that night, I've felt very needy. I told a male friend he attacked me, I think because I needed to feel safe. He works with domestic violence victims in a legal capacity as well. But I told him too much - not specifically about the chair and the hot water, but too much. He is mutual friends with my husband and didn't want to get in the middle, but I think I really overwhelmed him these past couple weeks with emails every few days. I was afraid he might not believe me and kept going on about that. I've stopped bothering him now. I'm not normally needy like this (I don't think). Do I have some sort of problem, or is this normal after a traumatic event?
|
![]() Open Eyes
|
#2
|
||||
|
||||
hi pinkpearl
ii am sure it is normal after a traumatic event. you are seeking safety and reassurance that you cannot find within yourself or your environment. your husband needs anger management counseling. protecting him only puts you in danger. talk to your friend about developing a safety plan for next time, because it will happen again. you turned to your friend because you want help, you want to be safe, you want help. welcome to psych central. you will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome ![]() |
![]() Open Eyes, PinkPearl
|
#3
|
|||
|
|||
Thank you, Kaliope. My husband is going to get counseling, but I'm not convinced it will solve his problem. He still blames me to some extent for his anger - He says he got tired of listening to me complain about the thing I felt hurt about. (Incidentally, I felt hurt because I found out he and his sister were considering leaving me out of my father-in-law's 75th birthday gift (which was a car). I was very vocal about how I felt about it, but I never swore or screamed about it or did anything to justify my husband's reaction.) Anyway, you're right - I need a safety plan. Only problem is, if this happens again at night (as these incidents always have), it would be very difficult to get my son out of the house because there's only one entrance/exit to the third floor where his bedroom is. That why I chose not to leave the house the other night, because I didn't want to leave him. Anyway, many thanks for your support. I've needed it.
|
#4
|
||||
|
||||
Pinkpearl, are you currently seeing a therapist? It sounds to me like you might have married a man similar to your father, who has a tendency to over react and get too confrontational?
I had to first find a good therapist, then after the therapist got to know me, I had to have him sit with my husband. My husband has a tendency to "absorb" too much and get loud, and actually trigger me and make things worse for me. Some men have a really hard time when women get emotional, they can get very frustrated because they don't know how to "fix" whatever it is. They have to slowly learn that it often isn't about "fixing" as much as remaining calm and just allowing the woman to express her emotions. Throwing a chair at you is definitely not healthy, your husband can't go getting so angry that he gets physical like that which would make anyone who struggles with PTSD from your kind of history to run and feel threatened. Wouldn't it have been so much better if your husband remained "calm" and came up to you and hugged you in an understanding way? Verses him getting so upset and physical like he did. Unfortunately, no one has ever taught him "how" to respond in a way that reduces the emotions and is better/healthier for the relationship. OE |
![]() PinkPearl
|
#5
|
|||
|
|||
Well yes, he belongs in jail. He burned his pregnant wife and threw furniture at her. He doesn't need counseling, he needs punishment. He is not a woman.
|
![]() PinkPearl
|
#6
|
||||
|
||||
You might want to check this site out when he is away.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support click on the wheel for larger text easier to read ![]()
__________________
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. anonymous |
![]() PinkPearl
|
Reply |
|