[JaneC]

Yes, I am having a tough time and for the last couple of days I have a constant sense that something bad is about to happen. I know its an indicator that I am extremely anxious, and that all of my senses are on high alert. I do not feel comfortable at all.

I have also had a really tough time at night with my dreams, they are much more vivid and seem to be all night long. I even find that I semi wake up in the middle of a dream, am aware that I am dreaming and really want to stop dreaming, but just can't and end up carrying on with the dream. Does anyone else have this? Or am I just weird? Either that, or I wake up know I am fully awake, go back to sleep seemingly straight into the same dream. Ugh.....I wake up after a night of "sleeping" maybe 6-7 hrs and don't feel rested at all.

Not sure what I want form this post, maybe to see if anyone else experiences the same thing and what you do about it?

I just feel quite...dreadful....despite trying to do all the right things to distract etc. I know my T would say accept where you are, how you are feeling and chose to engage in the present moment in a way that gives you some relief. Or something like that.

Anyway, hope you are all being kind to yourselves.

[MotownJohnny]

Hi, Jane. Sorry I haven't been posting here, I've been doing relatively well, but I have read your posts and know it's still been a tough go for you. Nightmares can be one of the worst things about this, they can definitely through you for a loop the next day. I wish I had good suggestions for you. One thing that has worked for me at times, even if it is probably a bad idea on several levels, is using the over-the-counter antihistamine Diphenhydramine HCL (brand name Bendryl in the U.S.). It is very sedating, and I have found that it knocks me out for about 6 hours without dreaming. It also leaves me groggy the next day, so it's not necessarily a good thing as I said. But, desperate times call for desperate measures.

[Open Eyes]

((Jane)), I have that same challenge often myself. I often find that I have not really had a restful nights rest because of how my dreams disturb and upset me while I am sleeping. I know it is a challenge that many who struggle with PTSD talk about having too. I find myself waking up and telling myself to "stop thinking bad thoughts like that" too. What does help me is when I work through something and have a "gain on my sense of control" or overall understanding about things that have upset me where I feel that impending doom. We dream at night in and effort to resolve the day's challenges so if you have an uneasy day, that will come out in your dreams at night. You need to practice at changing your dreams, it's challenging at first, but with practice you can gain on it.

You have some genuine concerns right now because you have changed your direction and you are also questioning "if" your therapist will be there for you in the way you need it. It "is" important that you talk about this with your T so you can be reassured as much as you need.

It definitely takes time to come to the realization and ability to finally realize that you really don't have to "measure up" to how other people "think" you need to do, be, or want in your life. I had to "really" work on that myself. First of all PTSD is hard for the person who struggles with it to understand and it makes them feel uneasy and vulnerable. People in general strive to be accepted and appreciated, our society feeds on that by constantly pushing products at us to help us feel we have risen to some kind of successful level too. Many of us are actually educated that way too, with getting praise whenever we are taught anything and are tested and get a good grade or that gold star of approval. However, that really doesn't determine someone's personal success. There are some extremely independent and successful people that didn't always get that "gold star" all the time. The truth is, we "memorize" many different things and yet we never end up using them at all. Also, whatever today's popular dishes may be, can end up being something that is "just old hat and not so "in" in the future, so why waste the emotional stress of even worrying about it? That is where you need your mental health to go and make gains on. Jane, you actually have more experience you can tap onto then you realize, it is just learning how to look at it and utilize it differently that you need to make gains on. As you progress with that process you will gain on not feeling that "impending doom" that you experience.

That is why Mowtown has been doing better, he is slowly taking back the control and moving forward. Will he have some challenges come about that can trigger? Yes, that can happen, however, if he keeps on track with choosing to take control, he will continue to make progress. You can experience that too.

I really think it is "great" that you have chosen to move forward, I think that as time goes on you will improve in your ability to gain from it. I see that you are just at a vulnerable stage right now, but you have succeeded in the past, you "can" achieve, you just need to develop that part of yourself that isn't as sensitive to others who's opinions really are not significant to what you want in your life path. That is what is often "missing" in many people who struggle, they just need that presence there to give them permission and blessing to do and be whatever "they" choose and want in their life. That is actually the rescuer that people with PTSD are searching for, but can't quite articulate it.

(((Encouraging Hugs))))

[Teacake]

GABA will help wirh anxiety (foreboding feeling) and.the anxious aspect of dreams. Read Sahleys book on the use of GABA for anxiety to understand that in this case supplementation is correcting an imbalance causes by prolonged stress, not sedating you or masking a symptom. Check for drug interactions.

There are a few.causes of excessive dreaming I.can think of. If you are taking an ssri or a vitamin supplement, or an herbal.remedy for depression, or B6 or youve quit smoking wirh nicotine replacement you can get wild dreams. The increase in sunshine can wake up a sleepy psyche. So can therapy or any mother psyche-work.

Paying a lot of attention to your dreams (recording them and thinking about them) can make them mor vivid. Remember that self exploration and analysis is WORK. Sometimes healing requires rest from work. If you suffer pack of sleep, ease up on the dream work.

Titration is the new concept in trauma therapy. It means "the right amount". It is as possible to overdose on psyche work as on nutriente and médicines or exercise.

[yumi]

Sounds like you are possibly lucid dreaming. If you are try to focus and redirect the dream to a happier place. If you can't try to force yourself awake.
The first time I had a lucid dream, it freaked me out, but I learned to embrace the journey if I can control it.
I get the foreboding sense a lot
I'm not currently on meds, but will take a benedryl to help alleviate anxiety. It usually helps more often than not, but sometimes I really need more than that.

[Yoda]

No solutions here but wanted to send support and hugs.

[JaneC]

Thank you all for your kind words and time.

I wanted to say that not everything is bad for me at the moment, and I think I need to try to focus on the good that is happening at the same time as I am struggling. But you know, its really hard to do that. When I am in the middle of a ....... I don't even know what to call it......reaction/emotional flashback/memory/flashback/anxiety response(whatever) , I really do loose sight of any good.

Maybe the key will be, despite being incredibly overwhelmed by challenging thoughts and emotions, being able to choose to be and act in another way. Not control, but more like accept and choose to do something else.

I know I am making progress, in many many areas, but as my T pointed out today by email I am thrown off course again and again by my past trauma and experiences. I look forward to a time when I am far less affected by it.

Thanks for listening/reading and offering your nuggets of wisdom and support.....I genuinely appreciate it. to you all

[Open Eyes]

(((Jane))),

You are working "through" so much, others just want to support you and let you know you are not alone, to have patience and as you keep working through it "slowly" you will make some positive progress.

My T explained to me that as we experience life, and different challenges that may affect us in absorbing a combination of sights, sounds, negative interactions from others, or even things that may traumatize us, our brain stores all this information in different areas. Some of these areas don't have language to them, so when we are triggered and re -experience emotions or anxiety or depressed feelings, we don't always have the "language" there to go with them and can have a hard time being able to articulate it not only to others but also to ourselves.

When a trigger takes place and a challenging cycle takes place, it is important to understand that it lasts for a period but if you are patient you can slowly learn how to be able to put it all together and finally articulate it. As you slowly are more capable of articulating it into a message/story/situation, you will finally be able to mourn whatever is challenging you deeply and as you do that, you will make "gains" and begin to slowly "feel better".

My therapist told me that what he had to learn in his practice, was that what helps the patient the most is to "stay calm" and listen and realize that his role was to be a "witness" for his patients, and to support them as they work through whatever has caused hurt or harm to them that they didn't realize they never had a chance to really process before. A patient really needs to know/feel that they are "safe" to express whatever emotions need to be released and worked through too.

Jane, as you work through whatever you have stored that has challenged you, along with the kind of interactions that may also have "hurt" you in the past, you will begin to learn to see how a lot of people develop techniques for "self protecting" that can actually become unhealthy ways of "self protecting and feeling a sense of empowerment and control". As you begin to learn more about this and how these behaviors in others have nothing to do with "your worth" in reality, but instead are only the "inadequacies on how others have matured, or not matured", you will feel "less threatened". You will also finally be able to figure out areas where you have not matured because of how you may have had to maintain yourself in these different "unhealthy" interactions. That is not something a child will understand, or even a young adult. But it never, ever meant that you were ever unworthy or failed at anything. Just about every single person who is older will say "if I only knew then what I know now", so Jane, everyone can look back and see things in their past that they could have done better, "if" they had only known.

My therapist told me that part of the "healing" is also to finally "mourn" whatever was "lost" too. A good therapist "knows" this and will be there to support, and witness and validate whatever a patient needs to mourn. You are at the point where you "do" need to go through this part of your healing, and that is why you need to feel that your therapist will stay on board during that process with you. This is what our parents and family should have done for us, but unfortunately many people who struggle don't have that kind of parent or family, that has to be mourned too. ((Jane)), I have had to mourn that myself "big time", so I will be the first one to tell you that I definitely know how challenging that part is. Jane, when you shared how challenging your holiday was, I do know first hand how hard that is/was for you. But, I also know that you can, finally get to a point where you finally "can" heal from that and "mature" beyond that too.

Jane, some people go through their entire lives thinking that it is "important to have the right dishes" like your mother has exposed to both you and your sister who also struggles with being in the presence of your mother. You need to get to the point where you finally see that for what it is, mourn it, have it validated, and finally get to the point where you no longer are bothered by it.

Jane, I think that your going back to school, wanting to improve your life path, that you have "goals" is really "good". While you are doing this, yes, you may experience different triggers, but that doesn't mean you should stop moving forward, just continue to do your best to move forward "to the depths" of you and if you keep on that path, you "will" notice more and more "gains".

What is so challenging about PTSD, is how triggers take place and bring forward things we didn't realize hurt us somehow. It doesn't mean we are suddenly "incapacitated or should feel guilty or unworthy somehow" though. Actually Jane, many people struggle this way, and have in the past too. It is actually part of how we are designed to ensure we continue to adapt, learn, share, and evolve as a species, it is also behind our strong urge to develop "language" but also "written language" too. Most mammals express this through "adaptations in developing ways to self protect", however, if you really pay attention, much of the life around us has developed ways to adapt to survive and thrive too.

Jane, everything you work through, learn, grow through and even mourn you will gain wisdom that you will share with your son. You are already paying attention to being a good mother, and he is reacting to that with how he is thriving and developing positive self esteem and looking forward to engaging life more and more. That is what it is all about Jane. As you adapt, he picks up on that in ways we actually don't consciously realize. The generation we are living in now, is becoming more and more "aware" of that too. We are learning more about the brain than at any other time in the past too. In many ways we are lucky because there is more validation taking place then at any other time in our history too. You are a part of this at a time where you "can" be heard, unlike that past. You are not alone Jane, so keep on learning, gaining, and growing. As you make efforts to grow, you will be choosing to "not" be like your mother, who didn't provide you what you needed, but you can "change" that pattern for your child. It doesn't even matter if you are married or single either Jane, because your son is going to grow up in a world where many of his piers will be experiencing parents that have parted ways for some reason and he is going to need to have skills to adapt to that without
if affecting his desire to "thrive and grow".

OE

[doglover1979]

I have been where you are and I'm so sorry you are feeling that way. It's a horrible feeling.

Realizing your emotions, accepting them and choosing to handle it a different way are really great skills. Its really hard to do when you aren't feeling well. I hope you recognize that and feel proud of yourself. You are doing a really good job!

Take good care of yourself.

[Hellion]

I get that at times, the sense that something horrible will happen...I don't know what it is or when but in my mind it will happen. I can certainly relate to having rather vivid dreams, waking up, going back to sleep, tossing and turning and then waking up feeling like I got no rest whatsoever.

Not sure what to do about that, aside from try to manage anxious feelings...but I can certainly sort of relate to those experiences.

[Mysterious Flyer]

Clonazepam works wonders. As far as lucid dreaming is concerned, don't do it. I used to lucid dream all the time (when I was being abused). You can force "good" things to happen in your dreams, but it causes a lot of problems that aren't worth it. Better to make yourself wake up.