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#1
May 15, 2014, 03:19 PM
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I don't hate. Hate only hates the hater.
I dislike music. I want to say I hate it, but hate only hurts the hater. It started in grade school when I played the clarinet. Perfectly. Beautifully. Absolutely. So well, in fact, that I couldn't progress into the sixth grade band without private lessons we couldn't afford. So I gave it up. I love my family. All nine of us that struggled the same race. I made it through the many intervening years by listening, but never playing. Distancing myself from life and the living. Four years ago my then boyfriend and I were having problems. Problems with drugs and music. Problems with control. Problems with each other. He promised to take me to a concert on my birthday. I want to say I hate my birthday. All through-out the month he led me on, while "hanging out with" his ex behind my back. When I found out on my birthday... he pretended it didn't matter. When I hung up, he took her. Out. Home. Even wrote me an email to shove it in my face that he'd lost nothing the day I lost my sense of self. I dislike my birthday. I don't have one. I have a date of birth I don't celebrate any more. To this day he pretends it didn't happen. That it doesn't matter how I sit in silence, afraid to turn the radio on. Afraid to turn on Spotify. Afraid to turn to youtube. Afraid to be triggered. It was my sisters birthday a few days back. And I am triggered. Into feeling I am nothing. Because as he said once to me, "I've had you. I don't need to have you."
__________________
   And I loves you too.  "But the mind can not fool itself for long. At last it has to admit that it has learned some very frightening things, some very confusing things, but that it is still ignorant, too, and needs to learn a lot more." - T. M. Wright |
 Open Eyes, SkyWhite
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#2
May 15, 2014, 05:20 PM
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Hi MisteryMade, welcome to PC, I am sorry you experienced that and it hurt you so deeply. Yes, there are mean and selfish people in the world and when we experience one it can leave a wound. But there are also "nice and caring" people in the world too. One bad apple in our life doesn't mean we can't find good ones that make our life better.
((Hugs))) OE |
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#3
May 15, 2014, 05:33 PM
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Sometimes, I feel guilty for enjoying a read. Not the pain but the way it 's expressed. This is one of those times.
My apologies!
__________________
I pray that I am wrong, while fighting to prove I'm right. Me~ Myself~ and I . |
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#4
May 16, 2014, 02:43 AM
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Open Eyes: Thank you!! I'm not going to say 'it's okay' that I've experienced this. It's not. It will leave long, lasting impressions.
However! I'm so glad to have a place here to come when I'm in that moment of trigger, as I was earlier. When not triggered, I am rational enough to realize there are all kinds of people in the world, and he's just one of the many wounded. I don't hate him. But until he's honest with me, I can't move past forgiving into forgetting. And know 'moving on' would be the best option. He's extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive. But my parents taught me to never give up on love. So it's hard to really -know- when it's time to throw in the towel. And it's difficult not to feel as if I've failed when I do. As for Parley! Never, ever, ever feels guilty for reading what I write. Thank you so much for taking the time to say something!! Writing is what keeps me going, when everything else crumbles. One day you will see my name in print, even if you don't recognize it! 
__________________
And I loves you too. "But the mind can not fool itself for long. At last it has to admit that it has learned some very frightening things, some very confusing things, but that it is still ignorant, too, and needs to learn a lot more." - T. M. Wright |
| Open Eyes
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#5
May 16, 2014, 11:28 AM
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Ok, I am glad you got a chance to vent that pocket of anger then, it's important to be able to have a place to do that too.
Don't give up on love? Well, it is important to understand that if you come across a toxic person as you have described and that person is not willing to get help for their "problems" and the way they "abuse others", then all the love in the world can't help that person. You can see that person's damage sometimes, but that doesn't mean that because you see it, it is your job to try in "fix" it somehow. You can sound an alarm, or try to seek justice, but often someone who is toxic to others is just not interested in being "helped or fixed". Some people genuinely don't have the capacity to empathize and often that can be how their brain is, which is not something "you" can change. The only thing you can do is learn how you became the victim and how you can identify danger signs earlier so you can change whatever way you might attract these abusive individuals. Allowing yourself to decide that an abuser is not all that bad is really not productive for you either. Sometimes a person is abusive because they have an issue that they don't understand "yes" I have addressed that with my husband's alcoholism. But it was a long hard road for me before I finally got to see the core issues that led him down that road. And, there are things he does that are hard on me that are a part of his disorder too. I have a hard time with that because it tends to trigger and intrude on my own way of thriving etc. You can't know "everything" about people, each person is an experience that we learn from and we don't always see the red flags where that person might be unhealthy for us in some way either. The most important person you need to forgive and continue to "love" is yourself which is what a lot of people fail to do, or know how to do. You have the right to be angry and vent if you need to, also to be validated and comforted to where you can let go and love "self" again and keep moving forward in your life to where you continue to learn healthier ways to help yourself/ protect yourself and keep exploring this thing we call "life". OE |
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#6
May 17, 2014, 06:04 AM
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Quote:
Welcome to PC. It's a great place to vent anytime of day or night. 
__________________
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. |
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#7
May 17, 2014, 10:29 AM
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I also love music, play piano, my son plays the guitar. i get triggered sometimes when i'm not in the mood for a love song or even in the mood for a happy song. please listen to your music, i always wanted to be a music therapist, they do exist, but it takes about 8 years to get a degree in it. I actually studied piano since i was 11 and am 53 now. i taught for 3 years out of my home too. i just can't get enough music!!!
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#8
May 22, 2014, 08:49 PM
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Quote:
Bars & Melody's X-Factor Performance Amazes Simon Cowell - Music Video Because of songs like this, and boys like these... I can never fully give up Music. Bless them.
__________________
And I loves you too. "But the mind can not fool itself for long. At last it has to admit that it has learned some very frightening things, some very confusing things, but that it is still ignorant, too, and needs to learn a lot more." - T. M. Wright |
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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