avoidance

I don't even want to talk about it.

The tenderer more positive feelings hurt the most.

well~ if you don't mind. I'm going to sit down right here and pretend that I don't know what you're talking about.

It sounds positively hurtful.

I didnt say anything.

Oh~ I'm sorry. I didn't mean to break the silence.

I was talking to myself. I used to have better control of these things.

I struggle with this too Teacake.

My problem is that when I did talk about it I was "invalidated' in ways I never imagined.

I had a really bad day yesterday tbh. I woke up and came down stairs and the gravity of how much I have been invalidated just hit me and I could not stop crying.

I used to have such a glowing flame and I can't seem to get it lit again. I realized how everything that was a flame in me was so badly abused and destroyed and invalidated that any time I get near anything I used to do where that flamed burned so brightly is nothing but "hurt" now. It is not anything that I ever imagined experiencing either. So, yes, I see avoidance all around me and I can't seem to fight my way past it either.

OE, talk doesnt heal us. Ot may be importante to let others know...but retelling is retraumatising. Dont do it. Dont wave your candle in the wind.

Actually Teacake, my situation with the lawsuit and having had to deal with even more intrusiveness has made it hard. I find that if I try to "not talk" it only makes it worse. Instead being in therapy and sorting through it (with the right therapist) has helped me a lot. I just got to a point that holding it in was harming me. I didn't realize how very much it was harming me either, had no idea. And when I held it in, for some reason that only allowed others to be ok with being intrusive or abusive. I just never realized it was hurting me that much, I thought I rose above it, but that was simply not the case. Surprise, surprise.

What I find Teacake, is that if I "avoid" talking about it, it only comes out in another way. And often the result is not good either. I just experienced that too.

I am in a very difficult IRL constant challenge and no matter how hard I have tried, I have not been able to get rid of it. Every morning I come to PC and I have been waking up earlier and earlier with my brain spinning because it's just been getting worse in the way of my being challenged. I don't want to go out there and postpone taking care of my horses and ponies because there are so many triggers and reminders that I end up exhausted even when I really don't want that. There are the graves, and bad memories there, there are the places where my neighbor popped up and startled me to confront me with either tearing down a no trespassing sign or express anger at me that all happened because they were just plain negligent and they "just" want to avoid it and blame me.

Then the constant struggle with paying on the debt, keeping track of making the payments on time, and sometimes I lose track of time because I am cycling a lot now and I am punished with a penalty. I am not doing well business wise either because I have been cycling so much and am in so much debt I cannot afford to advertise and when I do work, I am really pushing myself because I am often so exhausted from the PTSD and all the negative feedback from my new lawyer because my ex lawyer didn't get the interviews from people when they remembered but now can't remember because it is now 7 years later. And one witness is afraid of my neighbor so doesn't want to testify.

I got in touch with another lawyer that has told me something different and also is a malpractice lawyer, he will review my case for a price and I don't know how I am going to come up with $350 to have that happen, it would not have been so hard if I didn't have this debt, lots of things would be different without this constant debt I keep paying on that I do not deserve to have.

I do want another opinion because the one thing I do not want is to find out something that I could have done, too late and that has been a constant pattern in so many big ways the past seven years alone that I am trying very hard to end that kind of result.

I get triggered is someone tells me to let go or give up too as that will not present any kind of positive at all and in order to understand that people would have to see more than the words I put down here.

I am not doing well at all right now, I wake up and now I just keep crying and want to go back to bed tbh. I try to find ways to "avoid" it or "distract" but I can see how it just comes out in a different way as I mentioned and it doesn't bode well.

Well, at least I have T today, but I don't think there will be enough time to talk about it all the way I need to, it seems that happens much too often lately.

I feel that it "is" important to be able to talk it out as when I go without being able to do that, I don't do well. However, I have been kept in the trauma now
for too many years too, and I have not really been allowed to heal, which is what my T has discussed with me and finds frustrating too. At least "someone" is seeing that too many bad things have been challenging me
that was not fair to me or my fault and has been aggravating the PTSD instead
of my being able to really say, not now.

OE

One of the constants that "has" challenged me is how I had to deal with other people that were somehow disordered and how that came out in different ways that hurt me. Yet, that is something that many who suffer from PTSD struggle with too.

Yes, I married a binge alcoholic and I honestly did not know about that kind of alcoholism. And my husband also had other challenges that led him to that kind of avenue to manage his challenges that even after he got sober just challenged me differently. I did not finally get to know the MAIN problem until this past year either. Both him and my daughter are dyslexic too, and their brains process and recall very differently than my brain does. I can see "them" but they cannot see "me". They can see each other and relate, yet they both don't really "see me" and that has been very hard on me. The only thing that they tend to struggle with is that while my husband has dyslexia and processes a lot like my daughter, he also has compulsive ADHD, and my daughter doesn't and that tends to
be where they disconnect a lot.

Living with these two challenged individuals has really worn me down, and I honestly was not aware how much more challenging that has been to my brain to where I struggle and often am very "alone" with it because neither of them ever saw me and they don't see the PTSD in me to where I am often so very lonely.

The other problem I have is my past where I grew up with an older brother that had compulsive ADHD too and unfortunately he was not helped or understood, but instead constantly punished for something he could not help.

Teacake, when you talk about being "gifted" YES, I was always that way because I could see there was something wrong and that my brother was being punished unfairly for something he could not help. I have talked about this with my therapist and he is amazed with how I was able to see so much for a very young child.

I did reach out for help many times, IF ONLY, there was SOMEONE, to actually know enough to explain things to me like they have been explained to me recently IT WOULD HAVE HELPED SO MUCH. No, instead there were several times I was told that I was gifted and should seriously consider becoming a psychologist. Oh, and would I like to try some valium?

Those AA rooms had no help for me either. There was "no" person in those rooms that actually did what I wanted to do. Do you know they are full of people who either suffer from compulsive ADHD or PTSD, no not all of them but, many of them. Sitting in a room with others that have discussions revolving around a little red book with different prayers was not helping me. And, statistically, the women that are married to an alcoholic who is finally getting help through AA and trying to stay sober which really takes up most of their time, leave that challenged person within 3 years. The women who stay are women who also suffer with the same problems and both parents are alcoholics. So, there was no woman mentor in those rooms that had the answers "I" needed.

I "stayed" for both my husband and daughter I WAS NEVER SELFISH and I saw them, even though they did not see me and I did everything I could think of TO HELP THEM. A child psychologist came out to my farm and after she could not seem to reach her granddaughter and asked me to take over and saw what I did, SHE DEEMED ME GIFTED. I should seriously consider going back to school so I could get a avenue to share my gift. But, the truth is I HAD BEEN ALREADY DOING THAT FOR YEARS, but just in a different way with my own family and many children that I taught. And I did it that way so I could be there for my own child that struggled because her brain learns differently, yet she had a very high IQ.

I had a challenging neighbor come into this whole picture and again while this neighbor was not respecting my space I tried to find a way to get past that too. But, it did not work, not like I had thought, and it all ended up damaging more than I could ever imagine. Again I reached out for help and this neighbor got even worse and continued to invade me, showing me yet other avenues that expressed his "problems" that yes, I had seen early on but tried to change. It really is all there in the police reports too, yet I cannot get anyone to SEE THE OBVIOUS. And the history with the police that finally got them to contain there dogs was deleted because that is what they do after 7 years, and what is creepy is that it had been just 7 years when their fence malfunctioned and instead of fixing it they let that dog out when they felt I would not see it. I have a witness that can testify to that, yet this witness IS AFRAID OF THEM. My old neighbors that lived next to me and sold their house to these people moved away BECAUSE THEY WERE AFRAID OF THEM TOO.

I did nothing but talk about it and reach out for help for both the psychological challenge where I developed PTSD, not even knowing that was what it was and not a nervous breakdown as I had thought, and I also reached out to vets and a lawyer too. EVERY SINGLE PLACE I REACHED OUT FAILED ME. I actually have it ALL IN WRITING too.

It is even expressed in my court files IF SOMEONE REALLY LOOKED there too.

With what I have explained here, IT IS EVEN SHOWN IN THE DEPOSITIONS taken too.

I want to show it ALL, yet have been advised not to have the PTSD put into my case because the opposing side WILL BEAT ME UP AND TWIST THINGS AND HURT ME. What has happened to me IS WRONG, WRONG AGAIN, AND AGAIN. And it really IS all there, IN WRITING.

That is "why" I now wake up and am broken down to "tears" now.

The opposing side asked my husband if we were separated. We did live a part for about a month and a half, BUT THAT WAS NEVER A LEGAL SEPARATION. And my neighbors were not even around when that happened either, none of my neighbors knew. The only person who knew was an ex trainer who was severely neglecting his children where I left his barn so I could report it. He then took to spreading horrible things about me that were lies. So, the ONLY way this opposing side got that information is through GOSSIP and TWISTED LIES to get back at me for actually CARING ABOUT THOSE POOR CHILDREN, and as I am writing this I can see their little faces at that window where they were locked in a room "alone" for hours with no one there to supervise them, IT WAS HORRIBLE, THEY WERE JUST BABIES. It must have been so hot in that room because not even the window was open, HOW HORRIBLE FOR THEM.

I know all about the tender most positive feelings that HURT. And if I don't talk about all this YES, IT JUST COMES OUT IN OTHER PLACES.

OE