Are there any of you with PTSD who can't throw away a painful reminder? In the institution I was a subject of medical torture I had a stress ball with me for the pain. Of course they would place it just out of my reach during sessions but in between sessions I squeezed it.

I still have it. I threw it out of the window twice but I can't stand not having it so I go outside and look for it. I look at it sometimes or hold it (and I don't know why I do it because it hurts and makes me feel bad) although I've never squeezed it again.

Does anyone recognize this?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Breadfish

Are there any of you with PTSD who can't throw away a painful reminder? In the institution I was a subject of medical torture I had a stress ball with me for the pain. Of course they would place it just out of my reach during sessions but in between sessions I squeezed it.

I still have it. I threw it out of the window twice but I can't stand not having it so I go outside and look for it. I look at it sometimes or hold it (and I don't know why I do it because it hurts and makes me feel bad) although I've never squeezed it again.

Does anyone recognize this?

I dont know about where you are located (western Europe) but here in america coping tools like stress balls, comfort toys, blankets, pillows.....basically what ever object helps the person to cope with their problems is a welcome thing and is even a therapy approach. many treatment providers supply their clients with something to hold, cuddle squeeze or use in other ways before during and after therapy. even inpatient care people are allowed to have their stress balls, stuffed animals, pillows, blankets and what have you as long as it doesnt contain any parts that can be used to cause harm to one self or others (ie sharp points knives, drugs or alcohol)

yes I have my comfort tools I have 4 stress balls in 4 different strengths/resistance levels, 8 stuffed animals, 10 scented candles, 3 blankets, and a room full of other crafts that I do in the hard times. when I was inpatient we were taken on a sort of field trip to a mental health workshop where make your own coping tool (teddy bear, stress ball, stress sand filled object...) each of us came back to the mental ward with that coping tool we had made to use at any time even during therapy sessions.

that said when I first read the title for your post I expected it to be something triggering like keeping an object, clothing, from a crime scene like keeping the soiled clothing from being abused. is that what you meant, keeping something that reminded you of an abuse or painful event you went through?

if so in that case my answer is no I never kept anything that reminded me of the pain I went through during abuse that would have reminded me over and over again that I was abused. I used a completely different tool which was to dissociate, which effectively caused me to forget/wall off what happened to me into alternate personalities (DID), that way I could continue on with my life with out having to remember what I had gone through.

The stress ball is triggering. Even when I used it in the institution it was in order to avoid crying out (I even bit on it sometimes) because that made them angry. It wasn't a comfort.
Sometimes I see it and I dissociate or panic or am just overcome with the sheer pain of the memories. But I can't throw it out. And sometimes I seek out the pain it brings me. I can't seem to stop it. I don't know why I do it.

I have a small stuffed horse that fits in my hand (sort of like a stress ball) and that fits just in my right pocket that does bring me comfort. A friend gave it to me before I went to the hospital to have my leg amputated (as a result of the torture) so that I would have something to hug when she wasn't there. So I know stress relievers.

But this stupid yellow ball with its stupid smiley face isn't stress relief. It isn't comfort. It hurts.

[precaryous]

I have kept newspaper articles, books, legal papers, similar items from when I was exploited by a PDoc. I have kept them mostly to show to subsequent T's what I have been through..and proof so I will be believed.

I am slowly getting rid of them because I don't want my family to find them once I am gone.

[birdpumpkin]

I've got some things found after the demolition of our house 3 months after the fire - many of them charred, black, smelly, torn or ripped, etc. Found one of my son's newborn pictures and my husband's school picture from grade school. A CD (Oasis FYI) broken and black. A cassette and also a video cassette. Some of my son's legos. A burnt book. One of my cat bowls (8 of my 10 died - 2 went missing), bent. There are still some broken bricks and melted stuff from our porch in the yard. Some other things. You all get the picture. I want to keep it all but can hardly bear to look at any of it. Some of it is still in the backseat of our car. I was going to put that stuff in a bag but just can't bring myself to mess with it.

[Parley]

Originally Posted by Breadfish

Are there any of you with PTSD who can't throw away a painful reminder? In the institution I was a subject of medical torture I had a stress ball with me for the pain. Of course they would place it just out of my reach during sessions but in between sessions I squeezed it.

I still have it. I threw it out of the window twice but I can't stand not having it so I go outside and look for it. I look at it sometimes or hold it (and I don't know why I do it because it hurts and makes me feel bad) although I've never squeezed it again.

Does anyone recognize this?

Maybe I am reading this wrong but that ball situation sounds like a ***** move from a therapist with control issues.

I've been at this a long time and after all these years~ I have pretty much tossed all the mementoes I would love to have today. Memories before my trauma. Now, have box that doesn't belong to me. Filled with some facts that might bring me peace.

Just for fun.
My box~ I might carry for spite if I ever find my peace. Return it~ when all is said and done.

This is just my opinion but if I knew then what I know now and if I had a ball that helped me through the pain~ It would be the last thing I threw away. I'd get rid of my papers first. Once the facts have been dealt with ~ then I'd deal with the pleasures.

Of course~ I've just started therapy so I wouldn't take me too seriously.

Well, they were sadistic asses with anger issues and control issues, so that's about right.

Maybe having it will be a comfort some day. Right now it's just a reminder of the pain. Your reply gave me some insight. Thanks. :-)

[Open Eyes]

(((Breadfish))),

The reason you have it but it bothers you is because it is a symbol of a bad experience. Anything can become a symbol of a bad experience that someone with PTSD tries to avoid or finds discomfort in.

I have this challenge myself and it is so damn deep beyond my conscious awareness. My trauma happened with my horses/ponies and on my farm. I have so many triggers when I go out there even though I don't consciously want that to happen. In the room I am sitting in typing this I have a mess of so many files from my Law suit case and the veterinary records and it is a mess and I can't seem to go and straighten it out or organize it. My brain reacts very strangely and I don't even know how to verbalize it. That is so not like me either because normally I am a very organized person. It has to be there "just in case" but for me to go near it now is something I struggle with so much that makes my frontal lobe tingle or sometimes really hurt and/or shut down somehow and I disassociate, but the odd thing is, I disassociate and I am not consciously aware I am disassociating, it is weird and very confusing.

I think that yellow or orange ball is part of your evidence to the event that you seem to need to show people, but it is also a part of the injury that your brain still struggles with in a sort of disbelief too. Even now, how could a small ball still cause injury to you and how do you get past that? Also, part of you wants to have it so you "can" squeeze it if you want because before it was often kept out of your reach. So you have this deep challenge going on of needing to know it is there "if you want it", yet it is a reminder of a bad injury too. I have that going on myself so I understand the challenge.

(((Understanding Hugs)))
OE

[Teacake]

Breadfish, did the people in hospital intentionally cause you pain or were they causing you pain as a byproduct of trying to save your leg and life? Torture is a pretty strong word.

It makes sense to me that you cling to your ball If you laid down a memory of wanting to hold It as you were in great pain and distress.

How are you adjusting to the loss of your leg?

Originally Posted by Teacake

Breadfish, did the people in hospital intentionally cause you pain or were they causing you pain as a byproduct of trying to save your leg and life? Torture is a pretty strong word.

It makes sense to me that you cling to your ball If you laid down a memory of wanting to hold It as you were in great pain and distress.

How are you adjusting to the loss of your leg?

My leg wasn't all that bad before they did their thing, I just couldn't use it. It wasn't life-threatening by then, nor could one expect it to become life-threatening.
And I don't think they would have hit me if they were just trying to do the right thing. They wouldn't have locked me in and held me down when I wanted to leave. (Which was all very much illegal) They wouldn't have shouted abuse at me all the time. They wouldn't have lied to me.

Torture isn't a strong word for sound-proofed rooms with even then still a note on the door that people shouldn't react to screams. It isn't a strong word for denying someone his every comfort. It isn't a strong word for hitting, pinching, kicking. It isn't a strong word for three-against-one. It isn't a strong word for denying a 14-year-old visits with her parents. It isn't a strong word for trying to manually break the bones in a hyper-sensitive leg. It isn't a strong word for making someone stand on one leg for hours. It isn't a strong word for excruciating, unnecessary pain. It isn't a strong word for forcing someone to hop on one leg for half a mile without breaks, and laughing when she falls. It isn't a strong word for laughing when someone asks, demands, begs to be allowed to leave.

Medical torture also covers torturous scientific (or pseudo-scientific) experimentation upon unwilling human subjects.

And I'm adjusting well to life with a prosthetic. It's been two years now and I can do pretty much anything (except for running). I have barely used my cane in the last year. Thank you for asking. :-)