[(JD)]

"The nature of the beast" of PTSD! And there's no slaying this dragon! i hate it when I lose time ...usually when someone raises their voice ...I know it's bad when we get thunderstorms (I was disabled during one) but it's our dry season... and still I get triggered.
Flashbacks are the pits. It's been uphill all the way, and last week I was again told (I was told I have been told often before...) that there is no cure for PTSD just some place better... my suspicious mind of ptsd tells me it isn't true.
So I'm still working on preplanning. It hasn't helped yet. I can think about a situation coming up, and all the different ways it could go, and affect me... and I can even write down and re read often all the different things that I should know when it happens (trigger?) but then something happens and I realize only much later what I had done in response. Yeah, I guess I am better because always before ..when flashback or such happened... I never remembered it.
BUT if this is the best it will get forget this! Life ain't worth it, especially if "better" is still "bad." Just thot you'd wanna know...

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm sorry that you hurt so much. If it has gotten even a little bit better it can get better still. Keep trying. I'm glad that you came to this site, and hope that it helps you. You certainly have already been helping others here.

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[(JD)]

Thanks Rap for your reply... posting this in case I forgot to tell you in chat. BUT this itsy bit of "progress" took 17 years to make. Quite too long a time... and PTSD isn't curable. You would think they would have made some strides in the disorder dissection in that amount of time.

Please research anything I suggest before believing...

[Rapunzel]

Would it help you to focus on the times when you feel the best? I don't know about you, but what I have to do during the bad times is remember that it isn't always that bad and hold onto the times when it is better. I'm convinced that my depression is not curable either, and that it will always come back again. It's been that way my whole life, and nobody argues with me about that either.

It's up to you to find or accept something that you like or that gives you some hope. I wish that I could give you that, but I can't.

When I talk to my T about things that there are not answers to, he keeps telling me that it is my job to find those answers. Maybe you can find some answers to make some progress towards beating PTSD. Sometimes it seems that it takes someone who has experienced a problem to find the answers to that problem.

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[soscared]

Hi SkyBdark
I am soory to hear you are going through this,.
I know that when I was younger, I used to have flashbacks all the time , usually around the abuse as a child, actually I started having them when I was about 9yrs old and it continued through my teens.I had no idea what was happening to me at that time.
Eventually though they did just seem to go away, I guess after I left home and was safe from danger. Only very rarely do I ever get any I think.I have PSTD, dissociative disorder adn depression with high anxiety, so maybe I don't realize it.You made me question myself, which is a good thing. I have been in therapy off and on for about 6-7 years now, and use med's. I rtemember the flashbacks being very scary, so I don't really remember having any for awhile, so I do think that they in time will stop, or at least that is what I was told.
I was also taught to try and keep myself grounded by telling myself that I am not going through any abuse right now it is just a memory etc.
Don't know if this is any help, but I thiught I would share this info. with you.
Best Wishes for the New Year.

[(JD)]

Thanks for your replys. My psychologist IS a specialist with PTSD... so that's a good thing. There is s o m e progress in them understanding the disorder... part of my problem is the "abuse" IS still continuing... the insurance company that "runs" my life still has me followed and balks at everything (of course, they just look at the bottom line.)

So there's really very little about putting in the past and "it's not happening now" idea, which would help if I could. I'm sure. Plus I am disabled because of this ptsd causing injury, so it's apparent to me 24/7. Did I already say that? sorry.

When I am triggered (for example by some authoritarian which I guess reminds my unconscious of the authority of the ins. com?) there IS NO THINKING. It's all reaction and automatic.. I'm not sure that the progress of at least now remembering some of it AFTER the fact is all that great... tend to become depressed because of not being in control.

Please research anything I suggest before believing...

[(JD)]

OMG I'm replying to myself.. no I knew that. I just got back home after being asked to present at a local meeting. I have a service dog and they had a theme of "Walk in My Shoes". It was kinda kewl cause on their magazine this month was a black service dog. I gave a plea for puppy raisers.. and how much I need a new dog... because of an injury 17 years ago.. AND AFTER THAT>> I DON"T KNOW WHAT I SAID>

I hope it was ok. I have PTSD from the injury. This isn't normal for me in my abnormal state. ? I mean, I can usually even tell a story by rote, basic info of accident. But tonight... gone. I sent an email to the head of the meeting hoping I did ok... I don't think so . I hate this. I hate the automatic responses to stress.

Please research anything I suggest before believing...

[Rapunzel]

I'm sure you did fine. Here's a hug for you {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[(JD)]

Thanks Rapunzel & Ozzie... I'll get a better feel for how it went later this weekend... when I see them again. I also took my dog to the groomers and he all bathed and such... they trimmed his nails some more but said they really didn't need to... that was good to hear since I thought part of the dog's problem with the wood floors was that I hadn't kept his nails short enough!

I just get sooooo stressed out... and prefer plenty of time to think about what's going to happen, not last minute requests.

Please research anything I suggest before believing...

[lost_as_always]

well here hoping you didnt get on stage and demand peanutbutter oh and dont worry bout it realy freinds never care.

there are times when you just have to warn the crowd. take the kitchen knife offered by the kid, and wait for dinner!

[(JD)]

tks lost. No. they said I did fine... but they added after I scampered out of there... something about how lately my dog and I were denied being served at a restaurant. (which is true... Ijust didn't really tell them much like I was supposed to.)

Guess there's not many ppl here who realize they have or care to post re: PTSD. Oh well.

Please research anything I suggest before believing...

[cherokee]

Dear Soscared, I too unfortunately suffer from PTSD. I have panic dissorder and hypervigilance, sometimes bordering on (paranoia). I spent years of being completely numb and unable to grieve or feel. I was unable to cry for 10 yrs., yet I carried a loaded gun always handy for use for the same length of time. I couldn't talk about it, but I did and do have nightmares, and when there is any type of emergency I react immediately, because I'm always on gaurd for instance I saved a friends life once, before anyone around had noticed the danger. Also,
when my 2 yr.old at the time had gotten choked on a jelly bean and wasn't breathing everyone around was screaming and I shouted shut up!!! Your scaring him, while I calmly did the hiemlich manuver and the jelly bean few out of him across the room. I was in a highly intense state for days after that occurrance. Other times I've made a fool of myself for reacting to a preceived danger, when there was none. I also have thought I saw my attacker on several occasions...and my mother helped bring me back to reality. I at one time drank heavly for a period of years afterwards. I saw that face and felt the cold steel of his gun on my forehead out of the blue for the longest time but couldn't put it into my head what was happening. My 1st husband divorced me over my being raped and almost murdered.He couldn't handle it and I was transferred by my job to a new city where there I knew no one and there was no emotional support from family, not that I'd talk about it anyway.I managed to keep my job barely, and after 5 yrs. I got sober thru A.A. and was advised to get counseling for my panic disorder, if I wanted to stay sober. That's when I was put on medication and a wonderful counselor who diagnosed me with PTSD. I am still a master of repression she says.
My life was changed forever. I feel like the person I once was died and I do not enjoy the things I used too. I am somewhat of a recluse. But I feel safer that way (in many ways). There are many triggers that can take me back to the time that it happened, as if I'm there and in the midst of that horrible experience.
I aIso have major depression and it's worse sometimes than at others. My counselor told me to pay attention to the months and dates I'm most depressed and troubled, and see if those times coincide with that horrible event. Surely enough it does. So now i can say, oh it's Feb. or whenever I understand now why I'm more depressed and intense. This too shall pass I say. And it does. But the rest of the time it is still there lurking in the shadows. When I get under a lot of stress I cannot handle it as I once did. I was wondering what is meant by dissociation? Being one place but thinking your at another? Or what.Thanks/... You are not alone dear one. Know that, and take comfort from that, if you can.

[(JD)]

I'm still reeling from another situation here on the boards... but this is "my" hang out spot so I'll try to respond.

Gee Cherokee, i still carry.

Dissociation... well you know how when you're driving a very familiar route, and all of a sudden your where you wanted to go, and don't remember the trip? Most ppl do that, it's a form of dissociation.

Or maybe how at a restaurant your friends are talking and then, you realize you missed a chunk of the conversation, yet you were sitting right there? That's dissociation.

There's a whole lot more to it. But that will give you the idea.

Good to see your post.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[cherokee]

Thank you for your time ............"SkyBdark".........in answering my question. I have heard the term "dissociation" but had never heard it
defined.
You said, you were still reeling from another situation on the boards, so I especially thank you again.
I for one cannot delve into these topics too often, because it interferes with my own comfort zone.

[Butterfly_Faerie]

PTSD is terrible to live with. I just have reminats of PTSD (don't know if that is the correct word, but I do still have some ptsd like body memories ect but not as bad) Does that make sense????????? Likely not.

Just wanted to post to let you know I'm here.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[dalila]

I have PTSD and secondary PTSD.

When I started therapy things would trigger memories of my past, some of which I had buried so deeply I didn't have a concious memory of them and some which had happened when I was so young I didn't have the words to deal with them. For me the flashbacks were physcial -- I spent a lot of time in front of mirrors looking for bruises and welts. The worst ones were of being sodomized as a toddler. If I wasn't dreaming it, I was sitting around feeling it and feeling crazier than ever cos all I had was the sensations.

My T used EMDR and the flashbacks seem to have abated for the most part. What I know about EMDR seems to suggest it is the cure for PTSD. When we have the trauma that lays down the memories for PTSD it doesn't get stored in our brains like other things do - instead it is stored in such a way that it remains current. EMDR lets you reprocess the trauma without being too traumitized and gives you the ability to distance yourself so that you can heal. After a few sessions I was able to use bits of it to self calm and stay in the moment.

EMDR was developed and used to help Vietnam vets. If you plug it into your search engine you can read more about it.

~D~

[Lexicon78]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I know I've been dissociating a lot lately. I wouldn't plan for it. Sometimes that in itself can create so much stress on you. Isn't that how panic attacks are? Just take your time and go minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. That's how I do things, anyways. For me it's safer that way. Don't get me wrong, I do take precautions with certain things.

PTSD is a terrible disorder. I have it and it isn't pretty. I used to lose time often. Sometimes minutes, sometimes hours, sometimes whole days. I know where you're coming from.

I hope you can try to remain in the present. I know it's hard. Good luck.

[alm15]

Hi Sky. Wow. I can relate to what you expressed in your post. One thing I wanted to write is that my therapist says you can recover from PTSD. My abuse was extensive and the process of recovery has taken a long time, but I can tell you it gets better- MUCH BETTER! My life and how I feel about it is completely different than it was. There is hope Sky. I so remember feeling like if this is all there is, forget it. I've worked really hard and had some excellent therapists, including the one I'm seeing now. When I look back at the first few years of recovery, it was hell. I remember the intrusive flashbacks and the dissassociation. Often now I feel so much freedom. I've been able to leave the flashbacks for the hour a week I'm with my counselor much of the time. I haven't been curled in a ball on the bathroom floor for years. I've learned how to get myself out of flashbacks. If you keep working it will get better. It has for me and my story is horrific. My heart goes out to you. Be well and don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle happens.

[BabyDoe]

SkyBdark

PTSD is something that will always linger in ones' mind. Mine is like watching a scary movie, only it's a movie with me as the star. It isn't a pleasent ordeal that's for sure. After my car accident in 1993 the scary movies kept popping up everywhere I'd go. I remember being at a supermarket tryint to find the right dog food, when I looked up to the top shelf and wham! There was this gray haired, huge man with thick rimmed glasses peering down at me. It was his gruesome smile that I couldn't stop seeing. I froze, for how long I don't know. I just remember the tugging on my wrist. When I turned to see who was doing the tugging, the huge man disappeared.
I thought, OMG, I'm scizophernic! I went to see a doctor and he told me that I wasn't a scizophernic, but I have bipolar and PTSD. It's been nearly 11 years that I've had a problem going outside my own home. I just can't stop the scary movies from popping up when I do. I'm so sorry that you too suffer from this horrible symptom, SkyBdark. My heart goes out to you and I hope one day the nightmares disappear from your thoughts and you can, once again, enjoy this beautiful world that has so much to offer. Take care and good luck.
BabyDoe

The world is a huge puzzle and we, humankind, are the pieces of this puzzle. I wish we all could work together to find our proper places then the world would be a big beautiful masterpiece.

[(JD)]

Thanks. and welcome. Yes I hear what you are saying, and I can now at least realize I had a flashback... but it's been 17 years of work and quite frankly, I'm tired. It isn't the only thing I'm contending with.. but thanks for the post. Maybe see you around again?

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[(JD)]

Yeah, thanks for your thoughts... welcome to the forum. It's been pretty lonely around here, most ppl even those with PTSD just don't post here...sometimes I just answer myself! The other post is a running one of the ongoing abuse from my attorney, and the system...

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>