[nauticalgyrl]

I am confused in that I am diagnosed with PTSD. I did have severe trauma in all aspects. Mother was a paranoid sadistic schzphrenic, father sexually abuse me etc etc
I basically have no memories and the ones I do have or were told me come with no emotions. I feel nothing. I dont have triggers, flashbacks nightmares etc cause nothing is there. So what is wrong with me and will it come back?

[Perna]

"You" may not be all there. That's why you've forgotten and dampened your emotions, etc. (unconsciously, not intentionally). The problem is, one cannot be selective in those things and so you're probably not able to experience/exhibit the full range of yourself and your emotions. That is sad for me because you can't be very happy as well as not being very sad. It's like a continuum and you only have a little piece in the "middle" where there's not much "interesting" to feel.

[nauticalgyrl]

Yes you are completely correct. No range of emotions or as I tell my therapist, my feelings are broken. But I cannot force them back, I cant not remember what I dont remember and I cannot feel what I do not feel. So I feel very very stuck with no hope of ever having joy, happiness etc. Just existing.

[kimmydawn]

welcome nauticalgyrl.

I sooooooooo hear you and understand.

As a child, and due to abuse, I dissociated. The memories were stuffed back and the emotions were dangerous. They were stuffed back as well...in a different place.

When I began to get the still pictures and tapes playing in the form of memory, the emotions were not there. I felt like some ice queen robot. Then I would have these emotions from nowhere that just didn't fit.

It was all so confusing, yes. It was disturbing to me to know these things and feel nothing. I questioned who and what I am.

Please know that you're not alone and many understand exactly where you are right now.

I'm happy to say that I've come a long way with some way to go. I'll share anything you'd like to hear to help you in your journey and to know that you're not alone.

KD

[Perna]

You can't "force" but you are still there, just hidden. Working with your T will gradually uncover you. I felt like I was buried under a bombed building like some old WWII stories of orphans, or a mudslide/earthquake or other natural disaster. Eventually the rescue people uncover you by working toward the sound of your voice.

Keep trying, starting with very little things where you are. Did you see "Runaway Bride"? It's like when she tried all the kinds of eggs to see which she preferred. You have likes/dislikes, etc. but have to get reacquainted with them. Try something like that, start with "food" and decide what meat and how recipes are prepared, etc. you prefer? Keep "doing" things personally and hopefully eventually something will trigger something else. Triggers aren't at all pleasant but can be extremely helpful getting better. I remember (and laugh) my T was saying how since I liked cooking I should do that since there weren't likely to be any triggers in the "kitchen" and the kitchen should be "safe" but there turned out to be all kinds of unlikely things going on while I was cooking from peeling potatoes (I was extremely slow and my stepmother would criticize and I hated peeling potatoes and comparing myself to her quick sureness, etc. so I rarely made mashed potatoes for my husband but "suddenly" found that the more I peeled the better I got at it so it wasn't that I was slow/defective, it was that I had been a child and didn't have any experience!) and once I was making a biscuit recipe and got all "gooey" which I hate :-) and without thinking was "wishing for my mommy" (in a funny/joking sort of way) only to realize to my horror the one-two punch that my "mommy" was dead and my stepmother (backup mommy) was at that moment/that day in the hospital getting a CT/MRI scan of some sort (my mother died of a brain tumor and they didn't have those scans back then -- maybe she wouldn't have died if they had and they could have seen what was wrong with her sooner). So, all my "mommies" were not available and I had icky hands and burst into tears. I was only 49 :-)

[bebop]

a dr once told me when my mind was ready I would remember. little things started happening to trigger a memory. yikes! it was scarey to say the least. so when your mind thinks you are ready you will remember maybe in chunks. hang in there

[Zen888]

Based upon what I have read and been told by professionals.........In PTSD and other disorders......lack of emotion.......is a safety mechanism that distances yourself from the traumatic event(s).....a way of detaching from it. No memories......same thing basically.....you brain is protecting you.......protective mechanism.

After a recent trauma of mine..........I lost a whole month and didnt release it had gone by. And then a flood of flash backs..........etc. Very overwhelming.

Take Care

[Yack]

The lack of memories is probably due to your mind's way of avoiding what happened to you...part of PTSD is a failure to remember all or part of the trauma.

The lack of emotion is also part of PTSD - it's called flat affect. It may make you feel numb or distanced from other people.

[EJ711]

Nautical Girl,

I'm sorry you had such a traumatic childhood.

You probably had to shut off your emotions to survive. I think with therapy it is possible that you will connect with our emotions.

Glad you found PC.

There are a lot of supportive people here.

EJ

[Smilie]

The very things you talk about has been happening to me. This causes me great anxiety. What to I tell myself for comfort and reassurance?

smilie

[Smilie]

The loss of time you speak about has just happened to me recently.Is that dissasication as well?

smilie

[FaithisAlive]

Welcome to Pc... I know what you mean as well.. disconnected from self.... but if you listen to your body, i think the memories can flow a little.. feelings and all.. cuz the body remembers....

for me it is chronic pain.. tmj.. ibs. .. migraines... clenching my jaw is a big problem....I started thinking about it more and paying attention to when and why I did it... I have learned alot about where that habit came from... i had blocked it out...

Anyway, Think about your whole self...healing might require more attention to ALL of you... so the memories can be freed.Good Luck! FaithisAlive