Out of Mental ICU and in recovery for now (might trigger...reader caution advised)

I have been diagnosed with PTSD in the past:
For three weeks I was walking on eggshells it felt like, following the Robin Williams incident on August 11. I went through similar feelings back in the late 80's, strong suicidal impulses and deep paranoia. I have PTSD and the RW incident brought it back. A couple of nervous breakdowns and impulses to hurt myself I had to fight off. It was a bad time, I had no outlets. My wife was at home and we don't hardly communicate feelings at all. No work, no money - nothing to do but absorb and gather thoughts all day, my mind was working overtime. All I had was my PC. In my mind was seeing images of my wife and cats crying if I had done myself in and that was making me feel all the more miserable. In Christianity we say that is just the devil messing with your head. Thoughts were going back and forth in my head about whether or not Robin Williams was in heaven or hell and where would I be? Morbid curiosity and paranoia was taking over (just talking about it still ain't easy). Last Sunday church sermon nearly put me over the edge. Finally that afternoon after my second nervous breakdown I was able to collect my thoughts, write out, let the evil thoughts in my brain talk - but I realized they weren't evil, weren't Satan they were myself trying to tell me what I needed to do to get out of this mess and begin my recovery. The first thing I did was pray/ tell God that I needed to sideline him for a while until I recover because both God and the Devil were fighting each other inside my brain and needed to settle down. I said to myself I need to get down to the ROOT of the problem. Write down what I want to hear, what I want to do - not what God wants me to do. I am one of the LGBT crowd as a crossdressers and allow myself to dress up again- allow that feminine side of me to not stay so suppressed, that I would arrange more time and more contact with like minded folks. I realized I had been so suppressed by things my wife likes to do and church activities. I was also able to call my mom and can get out of town for a while in a couple weeks. So suddenly have things to look forward to and as long as I make a concerted effort with these new plans I should be o.k. There is a long way to go, I could ramble on farther, too much talk about it still might make me shaky some. But at least I got myself out of critical condition.
I realized that Christianity (had affected me in the past too), suppression of my true self were root causes and that Robin Williams suicide just brought out the reminder of how important it is to outlet, be ourselves and communicate, get angry to where we are heard - because we sure can be fragile.
I read Dr. Burns, Feeling Good book and that helped me some. One line on page 388 in the book says "hopelessness is to depression as a cough is to pneumonia." Very true.

Hello arich62: Thanks for this post. And congratulations on having sorted out all of these thoughts! I'm in my mid 60's & married. But I have been "transsexual" my whole life. I just have always kept it suppressed. (It's a long story.) Anyway when I read your comment regarding having suppressed your feminine side while doing the things your wife enjoys, I couldn't help but sympathize. I frequently have the same experience.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm glad you were able to work through your grief regarding RW's death as well as those other things that have been bothering you. I hope you will be able to maintain this positive trend!

By the way, I'm always open to Personal Messages should you ever want to talk privately with regard to LGBT-related issues or concerns.

((arich62)),

The most important thing you need to learn/accept/develop when it comes to faith is that you have your own "unique" design and if you are created a certain way, that is not a sin and it's not about God verses the Devil inside you either.

It just so happens that when we are developing into a human being there is no such thing as "perfection". And eventually the science will be there so we can see this reality too. However, what you "can" do is take some time and just sit in some busy shopping mall and people watch. It won't take long before you notice how every single person you see is indeed "unique". If you think about the "devil" well, IMHO it would be to insist all these different people you are seeing that are clearly all unique to have to be all the same, because that is not possible. Besides, it would be "boring" if everyone looked the same and thought the same.

It was sad, and tragic what happened with Robin Williams, but he was very challenged and IMHO he needed more help then he led on to need. And sometimes a big loss like that creates a much bigger desire to pay attention more and learn more. And the way you can do your part is to learn more about yourself and do your best to heal and accept yourself and reach out to others who need help to do the same. There have been some pretty amazing creative individuals that were men who happened to "love" women's fashion and experimenting with textiles/fabrics and fashion and the arts such as theater and entertainment. IMHO, the devil is in not embracing who you are as God made you.

OE

Thank you! I will consider that an invitation to do so.

Hi, arich62. I too am glad that you were able to at least get past the point of feeling so self-destructive over RW's choice to end his life. I can relate, I was in a really dark place myself 4 weeks ago, and when I heard about it, I was actually envious that he had done that. which is pretty screwed up thinking, I know, I don't really want to end that way.

I am not deeply religious by any means, I consider myself a "cultural Christian", in other words, I grew up with Christianity as my nominal religion, and we followed the cultural rituals of it, Easter, Christmas, etc., but it wasn't really ever a deep thing. And my knowledge of a lot of it is superficial, I know the basics of Bible stories, etc, but that's about it. I am OK with that personally.

I don't want to make this a debate about religion. But I want to state what bothers me is the intolerance that some adherents show for anyone who doesn't follow their way of life. I am also so upset when I hear religiously based attacks on GLBT people, or that those folks have been "damaged" psychologically by being forced to deny who they really are, and how they were "made" biologically, to satisfy someone's beliefs. For example, the entire movement in some Christian circles to "pray away the gay" - as if it were a disease or disorder. It's not, it's just the orientation a pretty significant percentage of the population is born with.

I think trying to deny or cover up who you are inside is so much more damaging than just accepting and being who you were born to be. I know so many people like the Lady Gaga song Born This Way because of the message that "God makes no mistakes", which I truly believe. I do believe in God, and even at times in Jesus, but not the angry, vengeful, cruel version that some espouse. I believe in the open, tolerant version which accepts and loves and did make us all perfectly. If only humans could see that.

Hello,
I am a new member. Several years ago I suffered from an inner ear disorder that caused an anxiety disorder (agrophobia). I am still not over it. I can leave the house, and the neighborhood, but it is really tough. I just want to be home all the time. Has anyone had a similar experience?

Hi Denim: May I suggest you create a thread in one of the forums to ask this question? If you're not sure which one to put it in, read down through the listing of forums in the Forums Index to select one. Otherwise, you may receive no replies to your post & we don't want to see that happen, especially to new members!

By the way, I have Meniere's Disease & Tinnitus. I also have some agoraphobia. My agoraphobia predates the onset of my Meniere's. But, still I do have some idea of what you're experiencing.

Best wishes here on PC, Denim. Feel free to contact me if I can be of any assistance...

I hope so too. It was very difficult and still have to work at it and talking about it I worry could give me a relapse so probably won't say too much more about RW and my nervous breakdown. I think being heard and getting angry are two of the important keys. I gather there are a lot of men/ tg's like us. I have visited many TG sites over the years found so many different kinds of personalities with all kinds of different goals. I guess we each have something tailor made for our individual needs. It sucks though to have to oppress it which many of us have to do, while at the same time know how we need our wives, especially as we get older.

Thanks! It still is a little too soon to talk about it without fear of getting a relapse, so was kind of surprised I brought the topic up.
I agree with you about Christianity where I have started to question it. Even as a regular church goer who serves communion and dismisses the congregation with prayer at times. Kind of more an Agnostic Christian I guess. I sometimes I need more proof on the resurrection although do believe some of the things Jesus said but like you don't like the angry, vengeful and egomaniac version that many preach about. I agree about the LGBT crowd too. I think there are a fair number who are confused and becoming that way because of insecurity but when a boy wants to become a girl at age 4, or a boy finds himself attracted to other boys at puberty age no way can they help it, there just naturally themselves. I think the New King James Version which most preach from today was rewritten in the early 1980's, just in time to post negativity towards LGBT crowd- but I don't know, would have to see earlier versions.

Spot on...