[CosmicRose]

I just started talking to this guy with PTSD and he seems to go hot and cold. For example, last night he was texting me saying things like how I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, and how he wants me to be his. Then all day today he hasn't texted me or replied to my text. I'm all for giving a guy space, but this type of thing kinda keeps happening, like he'll act totally smitten and then just kinda disappear, etc. Is this part of his ptsd or what? I've also noticed he has kind of a bossy attitude or easily angered. But it's like he goes from 100 to 0 as far as his attention to me and it's making me really confused.

[Altered Moment]

I am assuming he told you he has PTSD. Is he in therapy for it? Can you ask him about it and maybe he has some insight of his own on how he is.

[Werewoman]

I suppose he could be dissociating when he's inattentive. The part that concerns me is the bossiness and how quick he is to anger, especially since you two just met. Tread lightly with this guy for now and take it slow because what you're describing doesn't seem like PTSD to me. Actually it's bordering on something more like ****ole.

[Open Eyes]

It could be the PTSD, wanting to be happy, but afraid to be happy, wanting love, but afraid to love etc. The anger can be from the frustration of the conflicting feelings too. He needs to be in therapy, otherwise, he will begin to lean on you for that and you have enough of your own challenges.

Much also depends on his history too, he could be borderline and that requires therapy from a therapist that can actually help with that challenge.

[CosmicRose]

Well today he replied back and was acting totally normal again saying he was "busy" those two other days when I didn't hear from him.

[Werewoman]

Busy with what? After two days, he owes you an explanation, otherwise I would find that very disrespectful.

[Teacake]

How old was this guy when he got PTSD?

[ChipperMonkey]

If you need 24/7 attention, do him a favor and move on.

I've been upfront with guys I've dated about needing space but they still don't get it and take things personally. I even ASK for space and its held against me. Sometimes I am so emotionally overwhelmed that I need to be by myself. Sometimes I simply CANNOT talk. (Odd concept that is misunderstood by most, but yes, the speech/communication part of my brain shuts down.)

Again, if you expect this to be like a "normal" relationship then move on. Oh, and if you're just 'talking' to him, he doesn't owe you much of anything. I am surprised that people say he owes you an explanation when you're not even a couple. If I don't talk to my friends for a few days, I don't owe them an explanation. Things happen, life happens. Give him space.

[Werewoman]

If you read the title of this thread, CosmicRose states they are dating. She finds his behavior upsetting and doesn't understand it. Common courtesy and respect should apply whether they are a couple or just friends,

I know a lot about how it feels when I just want everyone and everything to go the hell away and leave me alone, and when I feel that way, I tell the people who care about me and assure them it's not personal. It's called good communication and I find it makes life for everyone much more pleasant.

[CosmicRose]

Originally Posted by Teacake

How old was this guy when he got PTSD?

He's a war veteran, he's 28 and I think he got PTSD during a deployment a few years ago, not exactly sure when though. He has to have a service dog with him everywhere he goes now, and I think he might have even sustained a traumatic brain injury or something really bad happened at war to him. There are no physical scars, but he takes at least a handful of medication every day, so I know his PTSD is severe. And yes he has told me it is in fact PTSD.

And yeah I know all about space, I have PTSD too, but the way he was talking to me one day about wanting me to be his and saying all this lovey dovey stuff then just completely falling off the planet for a couple days made me a little confused.

[Open Eyes]

CosmicRose,

I know someone who is dating a vet with PTSD, this is how he is too. He was in the first troops that went into Iraq and he was injured because the vehicle he was in hit a road side bomb and the force of it broke his neck, however he is not paralyzed.

He does the same thing is lovey dovy and then pulls back. He also make excuses. It is wanting to love but afraid to love. If they experience losing friends/comrads they can really struggle with a deep inner pain of losing someone they love/care about.

[CosmicRose]

Wow thank you Open Eyes!

[Open Eyes]

This guy I have discribed is mostly easy going, however, he uses medical marijuana. However, where his anger comes out has been fearing of being cheated on somehow. So, he has shown a temper.

It is important to keep in mind that there "is" anger with PTSD. I have certain things myself that can get me angry, I am working on it. You have yours too, it's just there in the mix. You just need to make sure his anger isn't toxic for you.
Sometimes these vets stray from therapy when they need to keep reinforcing healthy coping methods so they keep improving.

The important thing to find out though is if he is in therapy. You can be with him and maybe consider a relationship and even be supportive, but you can't take on the role of being his therapist, that isn't fair to you.

[Teacake]

I see. A man thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world...at night...and in the morning forgets to text you. He's 28.

It could be traumatic brain injury.

It could be PTSD.

Most likely he is a male. They are hot in the evening and cool in the morning. Expect a call some evening after dark, or after last call. That's when PTSD is always at its worst. Traumatic brain injury too. And what an anthropology called the male H factor, responsible for marriage, warfare and the overvaluation of males.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by Werewoman

If you read the title of this thread, CosmicRose states they are dating. She finds his behavior upsetting and doesn't understand it. Common courtesy and respect should apply whether they are a couple or just friends,

I know a lot about how it feels when I just want everyone and everything to go the hell away and leave me alone, and when I feel that way, I tell the people who care about me and assure them it's not personal. It's called good communication and I find it makes life for everyone much more pleasant.

It doesn't sound like you know anything about PTSD! Uhm, if I had to notify my friends every time the communication center of my brain shut down or I was having a bad day or even felt like being alone, it would take FOREVER! Maybe you should join a PTSD forum that has a much more well rounded view about PTSD and you'll see that this behavior is not out of the norm for those with PTSD. And if you do have PTSD, thank your lucky stars that you have a mild case!

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

He's a war veteran, he's 28 and I think he got PTSD during a deployment a few years ago, not exactly sure when though. He has to have a service dog with him everywhere he goes now, and I think he might have even sustained a traumatic brain injury or something really bad happened at war to him. There are no physical scars, but he takes at least a handful of medication every day, so I know his PTSD is severe. And yes he has told me it is in fact PTSD.

And yeah I know all about space, I have PTSD too, but the way he was talking to me one day about wanting me to be his and saying all this lovey dovey stuff then just completely falling off the planet for a couple days made me a little confused.

This actually reminds me of my husband and me when we were dating. We both have PTSD as well, though we didn't know it at the time. We broke up several times over things we now know were because of PTSD. Basically, we were triggering the hell out of each other, though there were other triggers that contributed to our problems. Also, we both had problems with falling off the planet for a couple of days as does he.

Once we were married for several years, I was getting worse and if I got triggered badly enough, fight or flight kicked in big time and I would take off running. I'd get into my car and just drive until I could go no further. Sometimes I would stop and sleep in it until I recovered sufficiently or check into a hotel if I was too exhausted to safely drive back home. Because of his PTSD, he would accuse me of cheating on him because he was so confused as to why I did that, and I was confused as to why he would think I was cheating. It didn't help that I could not account for everything I did during the time I was gone. All I was thinking about when I ran was that I didn't want to hurt anyone. Things were made all the worse because one of my triggers is to be accused of doing something I did not do. I now know that stems from being beaten as a child for reasons that had nothing to do with me. It was not until I had my major meltdown that we sought help and were diagnosed. We have now been together for 22 years. He is my soulmate and I don't think I could live without him.

I still have problems with fight or flight. A little over a year ago I had an episode where I disassociated. During that time, apparently, I went to work as usual but could not remember going there or where I parked my car. Once I came out of it, I went to the ladies room to see if I had put on any make-up (I did, thank God! ) but I still can't remember what triggered it. One night last winter I couldn't stop crying so I went outside and sat on the back porch in the freezing cold and playing with my 3DS. I won't let anyone see me cry, not even my husband if I can help it, because when I was little, my abuser couldn't stand it and sometimes I would find myself getting beaten again. Some things you never get over, I guess.

Anyway, I'm telling you all of this because I think you two have an advantage that we did not - you already know you have psychiatric injuries. Relationships are hard to begin with - harder for people like us, imo. Good communication is the key to making it work even though communicating is harder for people like us as well. If hubby is having PTSD issues, he either tells me what's going on in his head or says he doesn't want to talk about it. If I can do anything to help, I will, though sometimes he just wants to be left alone, so I give him all the space he needs for as long as he needs it.

Nowadays, I can usually recognize when I am going into 'freak out' mode so I make sure he knows it's happening even though I don't know why. If it's really bad, I call my psychiatrist or go to the ER, and a few times I have texted my therapist. Once I am past it and no longer need space and return to the planet, I make sure to explain it to him as best I can so that if it happens again, it makes it easier for him to recognize it, too.

In the early days of our relationship, neither of us ever thought to tell the other why we would 'disengage' from time to time. It was always hot or cold, never in between. We both agree had we known about each others PTSD, we would have handled things differently. I think you should simply ask him what's going on. Most likely, he doesn't know how confused you are, and could learn to give you a 'heads up' the next time he feels like 'falling off the planet'.

Above all, if you really like this guy a lot, and it seems you do or you would not be posting about this, be patient with him as you also need him to be patient with you.

Blessings to the two of you. Keep us posted on how it's going and feel free to PM me if you want. I'm usually around.

WW

[CosmicRose]

He hasn't talked to me since Oct. 24th, I've sent him four text messages since then from that day to today. No response. I'm so confused. I really like him but I think he's either just playing me or he's not interested, or something, I can't tell what is going on with him. I think I'm just going to give up on it.

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

He hasn't talked to me since Oct. 24th, I've sent him four text messages since then from that day to today. No response. I'm so confused. I really like him but I think he's either just playing me or he's not interested, or something, I can't tell what is going on with him. I think I'm just going to give up on it.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm only guessing, but it could be that he was being honest about his feelings for you but now is afraid he might hurt you in some way if he gets involved with you.

There were times when hubby and I were so busy running away from each other, I finally gave up and moved on. He had moved to another state anyway, so it seemed hopeless. I went into a deep depression and lost way too much weight. After a couple of months, he called me. I told him to go to hell. He called me again. I was nicer. He called again and asked me to marry him. I told him to go to hell. He called again. I was somewhat willing to discuss the possibility. We started a long distance romance and got married about 6 months later. I do not recommend our method to anyone,btw.

My only suggestion would be to text him once more and tell him you're still interested and he can take all the time he needs if he is still interested as well - something to that effect, anyway, if you haven't already.

I wish the best for both of you.

[CosmicRose]

He literally just texted me like ten mins ago and he said "I'm not ignoring you I just don't want to play games which you seem confused about because you said you wanted to wait (to be intimate) after awhile and we flirt all the time, so it seems like you're playing games." WHAT?? How is me wanting to wait, playing games? I'm going to keep talking to him but I have my guard up right now for sure.

[Werewoman]

Yeah, keep your guard up. It seems he sees your flirting as wanting to be intimate now which explains why he's confused and thinks you're playing games with him when you say you want to wait.....so maybe you need to tell him that flirting with him doesn't mean you want to be intimate right now, but that you will definitely let him know when you are ready to be intimate with him.

[Parley]

I am so glad I didn't have to deal with todays technology when I met my husband but if I did, I don't think I'd text people I wanted to date. I believe the instant access would choke me.

I get the feeling his personality would be hard on you. I don't know his deal but it seems too early in the relationship to be so confused.

I wish you luck but more than that~ I hope you find someone you can get to know without a need to be guarded.

[CosmicRose]

Originally Posted by Parley

I am so glad I didn't have to deal with todays technology when I met my husband but if I did, I don't think I'd text people I wanted to date. I believe the instant access would choke me.

I get the feeling his personality would be hard on you. I don't know his deal but it seems too early in the relationship to be so confused.

I wish you luck but more than that~ I hope you find someone you can get to know without a need to be guarded.

Everyone my age grew up on the internet, so texting while dating seems like the natural thing to do, I think at times its both a blessing and a curse. & Thank you!

[CosmicRose]

Guys...he's refusing to pick me up on our first date.
We've been talking this whole time through phone calls or texting.
I'm soo confused. He literally said to me "You're a big girl, you can drive to my place, if not we can meet somewhere." That's only half of what he said, the other things he said were simply rude in my opinion, he said things like "I'm not going to be your personal driver. If this was a date then yeah but we're just hanging out." That's news to me, considering we've been talking about going on a date the entire time. What is his problem? I thought it was the gentleman thing to do to pick a girl up? I'm so confused. And yes, he knew this was a date because we've been flirting and talking about it for like two weeks. This is an example of the "anger" issue he has, I've noticed it in other conversations we've had. Is he refusing to pick me up because of his PTSD? I'm about to just stop talking to this guy altogether.

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by Werewoman

I suppose he could be dissociating when he's inattentive. The part that concerns me is the bossiness and how quick he is to anger, especially since you two just met. Tread lightly with this guy for now and take it slow because what you're describing doesn't seem like PTSD to me. Actually it's bordering on something more like ****ole.

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

Guys...he's refusing to pick me up on our first date.
We've been talking this whole time through phone calls or texting.
I'm soo confused. He literally said to me "You're a big girl, you can drive to my place, if not we can meet somewhere." That's only half of what he said, the other things he said were simply rude in my opinion, he said things like "I'm not going to be your personal driver. If this was a date then yeah but we're just hanging out." That's news to me, considering we've been talking about going on a date the entire time. What is his problem? I thought it was the gentleman thing to do to pick a girl up? I'm so confused. And yes, he knew this was a date because we've been flirting and talking about it for like two weeks. This is an example of the "anger" issue he has, I've noticed it in other conversations we've had. Is he refusing to pick me up because of his PTSD? I'm about to just stop talking to this guy altogether.

I defer to my above post except I would change the part where I said his behavior was bordering on ******ole - he's gone into full on ******ole mode. Rudeness and wishy-washy game playing (he's the one playing games!) have nothing to do with PTSD.

If I thought he was exhibiting PTSD symptoms, I would advise you to be patient because we do get better over time with treatment, and like my husband did with me, you could learn his triggers and not take them personally. However, nothing you are describing is related to PTSD that I can tell.

I'm sorry this isn't working out for you. Move on and find someone who treats you with respect as a lady.

[Alter]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

Guys...he's refusing to pick me up on our first date.
We've been talking this whole time through phone calls or texting.
I'm soo confused. He literally said to me "You're a big girl, you can drive to my place, if not we can meet somewhere." That's only half of what he said, the other things he said were simply rude in my opinion, he said things like "I'm not going to be your personal driver. If this was a date then yeah but we're just hanging out." That's news to me, considering we've been talking about going on a date the entire time. What is his problem? I thought it was the gentleman thing to do to pick a girl up? I'm so confused. And yes, he knew this was a date because we've been flirting and talking about it for like two weeks. This is an example of the "anger" issue he has, I've noticed it in other conversations we've had. Is he refusing to pick me up because of his PTSD? I'm about to just stop talking to this guy altogether.

It's not because of his PTSD it's because he is stupid.