[*PeaceLily*]

Hi,

I have been very fearful of posting here. I have very severe post traumatic symptology. Some aspects of my situation are unusual, other aspects are typical.

The unusual spect of my situation is that I have experienced something called medication induced truma- it's trauma that results from the used of medication or drugs. For me, it was ssri medication. It's when people have very unusual reactions which in themselves cause trauma. I was in a domestic abuse situation and kept being told I needed medications even though I wanted to leave the environmentt I was living in. This happened to me for 7 years, between the ages of 18 and 25. It took all my young dulthood off me, nd i lived in isolation ithout even having a key to the door or allowed anyone round the house. I wasnt even trusted to cook or hang up washing or open or close the curtains.

I was essentially captive there. the second unusual part of it is that that was my dad, not a romantic partner. My childhood was crazy and this continued into adulthood. This is a description of my childhood etc http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...eful-help.html

My mother was the one who always told me I needed medications.I had a job and v good grades prior to taking the medications when I was 18. I ended up trapped at my dads due to the psychological deterioration, plus no money or job because the side effects and withdrawals meant I coulld no longer work and had to leave university twice. I have since been told by a psychiatrist that I experienced ssri induced mania for many years.

i tried to leave my father mulitple times, often ending up in danger, and things like rape and being injected with drugs which I can now see was damaging. I even managed to get away to a womens refuge and I thought I was finally free, but when they couldnt house me due to age restrictions, and I had no money, I went to live with my mother, and the whole thing with the medications started again, and even my dad was there again, so it all started again, and I was housebound there for 9 months.

I got away 7 months ago, but had another extreme reaction to medication when I first came here which set me back. I am no longer taking that medication so I am now ok. Even though I have been away from what happened, I have still been housebound due to extreme body dysmorphia and being triggered by things that remind me of what happened. In the last few weeks I have started to go out a little- just for things like food, for the first time in 14 months.

I have a therapist, but the therapy seems to be all over the place. There isnt any structure. I am 26 years old now, and I have only just recentlygot away.I dont think my therapist realises that I have literally spent my life in captivity.It's no eaggeration to say that the last time I had any normality or any contact with the world was when I was at school, and i briefly had a friend a few years ago,but I lost her due to what was happening.

I would love to hear from people who can tell me what the steps to recovery are.what basic stages are there for recovering from trauma. My therapist wants me to get more social contact, but my triggers are so extreme, and I am triggered as soon as I go outside. I have NO experiences of living in this world since school, other than experience of messed up stuff. Everything's a constant shock to me. I have extreme feelings of bitterness and anger and shock and grief etc etc. Plus I suffer from extreme disassociation. I dont know how to deal with them.My therapist recommends stuff like visiting the Buddhist centre and stuff like that to do more stuff.

I think my therapists minimises everything.I have only left the house for the first time a few weeks ago,and i have started to do some food shopping and things-only the small shops. But she says we need to work on exploring more things i can do and things I'm interested in, and my hopes. I don't think she gets how extreme this thing has been.I never developed hopes or interests!!

I feel overwhelmed.Any advice on recovery?

xxxxx

[kaliope]

well I have read all your posts and even without the medication issues you still qualify for the trauma boards.....you have had a rough go of it.

I could see why the dr gave you Seroquel and suspect that you are bipolar. antidepressants will trigger mania in bipolar individuals, which is what you said happened to you so there is reason to suspect bipolar. my doc gave me and antidepressant for anxiety and it triggered the worse mania of my life. it was awful.

as for your therapist pushing you to do things you are not ready for, is she trained in trauma? if she doesn't specialize in trauma, that may be why she doesn't understand. I spent three years with a therapist that didn't understand trauma and as a result my anxiety just got worse and worse. now I am with a therapist that specializes in trauma and I am getting much better because she understands how hard things are for me.

[Hellion]

To me it does not sound like it was just the medication, that caused the trauma...much of what you describe sounds like ongoing trauma, seems the medication issue also contributed. That aside though are you seeing a trauma therapist or just a regular CBT therapist? I'd certainly recommend trying to see a trauma therapist since they are specifically trained and educated to help people dealing with trauma. I myself have been trying CBT or general talk therapy for quite a while to help my PTSD and other issues...but isn't really effective. Did start seeing a trauma therapist and they use different approaches and also have more knowledge about trauma issues.

It seems a lot of regular therapists are better for people that are struggling but maybe not with such severe issues.

I will also say I do not react well to SSRIs either....or any anti-depressant I have tried, they all make me more anxious...and being more anxious can make traumatic/upsetting/disturbing things harder to deal with so I can certainly see such meds contributing to trauma issues.

[Open Eyes]

Hi PeaceLily, welcome to the PTSD forum. I agree with everything kaliope has said, and yes it is important that you are working with a therapist who really understands trauma/ptsd/trauma work therapy. However, you have a very challenging history, you also trigger easily and can dissassociate a lot. A therapist will want to go slowly with you, as a good therapist will not want you dissassociating in therapy to where you are distancing from the now and discussion. Often it is best to take "baby steps" in trauma work if the patient "is" really struggling. A therapist who is presented with a patient that has been controlled a lot will want the "patient" slowly feeling they are in control in therapy and can relax and trust and feel safe in therapy rather then feeling the therapist is pushing them which will only lead to the patient disassociating to gain control. One cannot "heal" from all those years of dysfunction quickly, it will take you time to slowly make gains. A therapist who doesn't understand that will not help you, so this therapist may just understand more than you realize.

The fact that you are going out is a big step. It takes time dear one.

(((Welcoming Gentle Hugs)))
OE

[*PeaceLily*]

Hi,

Thankyou for the replies.

The medication caused a kind of trauma in its own right because it caused mania- I would hurt myself and even did stuff like work as a prostitute due to the mania! It definately did cause its own kind of trauma due to the stuff I did while manic.I was seriously a danger to myself. It definately did cause trauma because I know that one aspect of trauma is that it deforms personal identity, and due to the medication's effects on my behaviour and the age at which I took it; 18- 25, my identity has been very affected because I look back at it and think 'was that really me???'

It was worsened due to the fact that my dad wouldnt allow a doctor or ambulance to the house- he nevr wanted me to get help in cae he was blamed, and he would just call me an animal instead.

I would honestly say that of all the things that ai find most traumatising, the medication thing is one of the most traumatising because I was taking it to try and help myself, and my reaction to it was the reason I got stuck there- it ruined university and my employment. I had always seen university as my way out and I had a very bad manic episode on the tablets which meant that I had to leave university. The stuff past the age of 19 that happened to me at my dad's couldn't have happened if it weren't for my odd reaction to my medication, because I would have been able to stay at uni.I get upset about the medicating because it (alongside my body dysmorphia,) kept me trapped there with my father. I still had a job prior to taking the medication and then when I started taking it I lost the job, and didn't work again for 8 years, so it definately has had a huge impact on me.More so than the abuse in it's effects on my behaviour in terms of the mania.

The stuff all mixes together because obviously the medication situation could never have happened if it weren't for the abuse situation because I wouldn't have been convinced to keep going back on it,if I hadn't been so depressed living with my father, and not having anywhere else to go. No one's parent would normlally tell you you need medication whilst you are still in an abusive environment, or make you stay somewhere where you couldn't have an ambulance called out to.

My psychiatrist has told me he has seen other people over the years who have the same reaction that I had, and he said they tell him that it was very traumatic. However, he said it doesnt normally go on as long as it did for me, and his thoughts were that it went on so long because of the living situation I had always been in which meant that I was always blamed for it, and I always blamed myself and thought it was my fault. He told me that I would have been much better off nver taking anything, but I already knew that. He prsonally doesn't like to diagnose people witth bipolar based off their reactions to ssris, so he has called it ssri induce mania

So much of what has happened boils down to what happened in that house. It was really hard to even eat there. My dad couldnbt leave the hosue so it was like he didn't want me to leave either. He never wanted me to leave.

Im really not sure if this therapist has really dealt with trauma. She said she has, but we don't appear to be following a structured plan for recovery. She has said stuff like 'we can't do anything about the past' and has told me to describe my past as a 'difficult chapter in my life' when in fact it was more than difficult, and it wasnt just a chapter!! At times has felt invallidating. She very rarely mentions the word trauma.

I dont know if I want to start from scratch with another therapist though, I dont think she gets that I basically have no knowledge of the world.

There is no structure in my therapy. We never do worksheets or anything.She sets me homework, and then she doesn't even mentione it the next time i see her. What do people actually do to heal from seomthing like this? Do people heal from something like this?

xxx

[Open Eyes]

Are you drug free now? For how long if so?

[*PeaceLily*]

Thankyou everybody for responding.

kalioppe- Thankyou for saying you had read all my posts. That is sweet of you to read them.
I suspect that I may very well have bipolar, but that because it was type 11, the 'hypomania' was perceived by me as a welcome reprieve within a an otherwise bleak domestic abuse situation, and therefore I would never have viewed it as an issue.And then, because I was blamed for the severe mixed episodes i experienced on ssris I didn't think of it then either. I just thought it was me. Obviously, because I took meds since I was 18, there are diagnostic issues in terms of getting a firm diagnosis. However, I have had some times without taking meds within that time frame and still had periods of elevated mood alwo, I remember being 17 and having periods of time where I didn't need to sleep for days, and I had all these ideas. I remember thinking at the time that it was like 'glowing on the inside' that's how I conceptulised it. So yeah, bipolar is definately a possibility with me. Many people would probably say it's a strong possibility or even probable, but my psychiatrist believes that ssris can cause mania in and of themselves so he has put it down as 'ssri induced mania.'

It's interesting though that you had a similar experience on ssris. My psychiatrist said that he had other clients who had similar experience on ssris, and it would be interesting to find out how many of them were later diagnosed with bipolar.

[*PeaceLily*]

I don't personally believe my therapist is trained in trauma.I think she is familiar with trauma, but that is not the same thing. I feel like it has been money down the drain with this therapist. there is no structure. My sister gave me money for the therapy and therefore I think that because I can afford x2 sessions a week whilst being unemployed, that my 'trauma' can't be that bad, and that I've lived a sheltered life.

So far, she has taught me no skills and given me no printed worksheets or anything. She sets homework only occasionally and then doesn't ask me if I did it. It's meant to be mixture of cbt/dbt, but she never comes to the sessions with any pre-prepared materials. It's not person centred therapy and yet I guide the whole sessions, and then she says we talk about the past too much!! But that's what I am stuck in- everything that's happened.
She has actually told me to practise skills without telling me what they are. She told me to think about making a self soothe box without talling me what it was. She has mentioned grounding techniques once, but then she never mentions them again.

One of the worst bits is that we're supposed to be doing dbt and yet she has never given me any resources on it except x1 set of mindfulness sheets. she hasn't even given me the skills checker sheet to write down when you've practise dbt skills during the week.
She tells me that I will 'probably have to do some trauma work,' and I'm sat there thinking 'isn't that what we're supposed to be doing now??' She says we have to work make sure I'm stable first, and that's fine but we're not even doing that. I have been honest with her to the best of my ability about how bad it gets for me in terms of self care, and yet she has never even given me a depression 'activity sheet' or self care checker sheet.

I dont' think she realises how deep all this stuff is, and how unbelievably confused and disorientated I am all the time- therapy needs to be the one place i can count on having some structure, so that I can at least feel safe in therapy, because i don't feel safe outside of it. It's not person centred therapy so i shouldn't be guiding it.
I am reading Judith Hermann's 'Trauma and Recovery' and apparently the first stage of trauma recovery is safety and stability.Yet my therapist talks about me going to visit the buddhist centre when I've only managed to start leaving the house whatsoever in the last 3/4 weeks. I was housebound for 14 months prior, and going to the buddhist centre seems to me to be the 'reconnection' phase of recovery which is stage 3

What do you guys make of all this? I have given this woman a LOT of money which makes me want to continue and not have to admit that this isn't good enough for a therapist, but i so far have made no gains.