Braced-- Positioned so as to be ready for confrontation or danger.

I have been in this mode since the death of my friend. I'm not sure I understand why but I am.

I can't sleep at night because I am braced. I can't breathe because I am braced. My chest and arms are so tight I'm rock solid.

I'm splattered on the ceiling when the phone rings and my heart plummets to my feet then pounds and pounds and pounds until I swallow an Ativan.

Maybe this is because it triggers the fear/reality/reliving of the fateful "calls" coming in that one of my brothers died from an overdose and the other one died of AIDS. Maybe I'm braced against...what?

I've had a lot of blood work done recently too. A lot. That triggers the whole thing too. Needles cause death. (In my PTSD head) My blood disorder causes death. My mother's cancer causes death.

[(JD)]

((((gentle hugs))))) Realizing that you are braced is a good first step. You are also putting together the WHY you are braced, which another step...

I like the word choice, actually. I, too, am braced right now... and setting about to overcome it.

I feel so braced that I was thinking today how I might explode and crumble like a stone building comes down when they blow it up with dynamite.

Then I could start all over again from the rubble and ash.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Petunia ))))))))))))))))

((( Furry-paws )))

Thanks.

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Petunia))))))))))))))))))))

((( White Bear )))

Maybe I'm braced against...what?

Ah yes. I get it now. The results from my mother's tests.

[(JD)]

No, bracing holds you together (like my wrist braces and my back brace) but get rid of it asap... the constant fight or flight wears heavy on the body (and stem, petals, roots...)

constant fight or flight wears heavy on the body

Yes. It sure does.

I revisited some painful memories of a trust issue I had here on PC when I felt betrayed by a friend.

It was a lot of reading, a lot of emotion and I have no idea why I did it but I sought it out on purpose.

Why do we seek out painful experiences? There's an alarm ringing in my head now warning trust no one-- trust no one-- NO ONE.

It's as if I needed to self-flagellate. I wonder if this is also somehow related to my friend dying. Trust and you will be betrayed and/or abandoned, by both the living and the dead.

I'm just a mess right now. That's all.

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks Fuzzy.

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((Petunia)))))))))))))))))))

Maybe it's anger coming out in the form of self-punishment.

((( bipolar_bear )))

[Gemstone]

(((((( Petunia )))))))

((( Gemstone )))

There's an alarm ringing in my head now warning trust no one-- trust no one-- NO ONE.

It's as if I needed to self-flagellate. […]Trust and you will be betrayed and/or abandoned, by both the living and the dead.

Oh gosh, seems like something I could have written…

I’m so sorry you’re going through such a rough time, Petunia. I don’t know what to say…. So just ((((( Petunia )))))

And please, try not to be so hard on yourself....

[(JD)]

...staking up the fallen flower...

OK, don't trust until you feel safer

Yes, and Yes.

Thanks for the support, buds.

((( Always )))

(((_Sky )))

When I woke up this morning--well if you want to call what I did last night sleep--my muscles were so tight they were/are sore to the touch. Like they're bruised. And I mean a gentle touch, like even the sticky thing-a-ma-bobs from the TENS unit hurt.

I would like to ask P-doc for some muscle relaxers but I have issues with that. Because of my brothers being con artist junkies...drug store robbers...convicts, I have this fear she will think I'm conning her.

I "know" this isn't true but... I'm having trouble asking for drugs.

She offered me Valium once and I about came out of my chair. I said NO WAY please don't even mention the "V" word. It was a staple in my housedhold, and I hated it when they were "overly" high on them. Hated the nodding heads and taking the burning cigarettes out of their fingers right before they got burned.

I'm just having trouble I guess.

be gentle on yourself pet......please ask for something to relax your muscles........your friends death is so recent.....this will affect you for a long time in so many different ways.......she sure was lucky to have someone in her life that cared so much......

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((Petunia))))))))))))))))))) I know it is hard for you to take this type of medication but you would be doing it for good cause not abuse. Please consider all options to what will give you relief. Please take care.

this will affect you for a long time in so many different ways

I'm torn over whether or not to remove her name from my email.

for good cause not abuse

Somewhere I know this is true and this is exactly the advice I would give someone, but when it comes to self-care I really suck.