[TimTheEnchanter]

I was abused as a child, well not sexually but punished very severely up-to age 8-9 (if I remember right). At any rate I was first grade or even second, I had problems in school and my father beat me for my report cards. (yes, I was very intense as a child). Maybe this explains why I am masochist?
We lived in a dysfunctional family, my parents fought a lot, but when my father died I cried more than when my mother. Isn't this weird? I am sure he was beaten just the same and could not break the cycle.

[TimTheEnchanter]

Dear moderators, you could move this to the abuse forum, I did not see it, first...

[Open Eyes]

Yes, it sounds like the answers you got to problems or challenges were expressing anger and abuse towards others. At least you are at a point where you are learning about how that has developed in you. That has to happen first so you can begin to make efforts to change that reaction and doing something more positive and productive and more empowering instead. It really takes time to rework negative reactions that have been hardwired into you through no fault of your own.

[TimTheEnchanter]

I do not think there is anything wrong with being kinky, but you are right the abuse somehow must be cleansed. Just that I am not sure how. I have forgiven my father but perhaps I have not forgiven myself (I was not a very good person in my youth)

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Yes, it sounds like the answers you got to problems or challenges were expressing anger and abuse towards others. At least you are at a point where you are learning about how that has developed in you. That has to happen first so you can begin to make efforts to change that reaction and doing something more positive and productive and more empowering instead. It really takes time to rework negative reactions that have been hardwired into you through no fault of your own.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, I don't know, depends on what you consider kinky. Some individuals pursue the very thing that hurt them in an effort to gain a sense of control over whatever it may be. You may have been a challenge in your youth because you may have had a learning disability like ADHD where you could not sit still and pay attention, you should have been helped not punished. It is normal that those with ADHD are about three years behind in their ability to pay attention for very long. It doesn't mean they are stupid either or cannot learn.

It sounds like you have found a nice therapist you like, maybe you can slowly figure out the pieces of your puzzle where you developed the way you have.

[avlady]

my parents are both alive in their mid 70's. i came from a huge family. we were all punished with corprol punishment and it took me years to forgive them as i thought they were not right in doing so. i remember being beaten almost to a pulp it felt like. i get nervous whenever there is a raise in someones voice or an argument ensues to this day.

[TimTheEnchanter]

Yes, I had struggles with learning, attention deficit, memory issues etc, later bouts of drinking...I am mainly here to explore my sexuality aberration and share coping techniques for my bipolar.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Oh, I don't know, depends on what you consider kinky. Some individuals pursue the very thing that hurt them in an effort to gain a sense of control over whatever it may be. You may have been a challenge in your youth because you may have had a learning disability like ADHD where you could not sit still and pay attention, you should have been helped not punished. It is normal that those with ADHD are about three years behind in their ability to pay attention for very long. It doesn't mean they are stupid either or cannot learn.

It sounds like you have found a nice therapist you like, maybe you can slowly figure out the pieces of your puzzle where you developed the way you have.

[Open Eyes]

Ok, as for the bipolar, that might be better addressed in that forum.

As for your sexual behavior and the whys? Could be your way of trying to overcome feeling bad about being abused into finding a way to gain a sense of control over. The human mind does try to look at things to try to turn them around into something productive or useful even in strange/unusual ways.

[Werewoman]

If you are in a monogamous relationship, indulging in your sexual desires and fantasies is a wonderful thing. In my case, I think it has more to do with trust than the child abuse I suffered. It takes an enormous amount of trust to not only share with your partner what you like, but to enjoy indulging in your fantasies (and your partners, of course). I find it cathartic and liberating and don't consider any of it to be 'kinky', just different from what 'vanilla' couples enjoy.

For years I thought I was a 'freak' and kept my 'freakishness' secret from everyone, including my husband. I'm not sure what changed exactly except that through therapy I gained the courage to accept myself for who I am and since I was not getting any younger, I figured if I didn't let go of my inhibitions, I would become a miserable old woman because I would always know in the back of my mind that if I didn't learn to trust again, my abuser wins. For me, death was preferable to letting that ***** have that much power over me.

My husband and I explore and experiment with all sorts of things I thought I would never do, and now I am so thankful that we do. It has brought us closer together and enriched our lives in ways nothing else could.

I hope this helps.

WW