This is so unlike me...despite all my pain, in spite of all my past, I have usually always been a very positive person with a few exceptions of extreme depression; perhaps I always hid my true feelings so well and always faked it better than I should have...I am struggling probably about as hard and for an longer amount of time than when I attempted suicide a couple of years ago.
I feel so dark and alone and especially afraid right now...I've always been great at giving advice and encouraging others to keep moving in a positive direction...I've always tried to find something to hold on to; yet right now I'm having such a rough time...I just want the pain to go away. I'm trying so hard to be strong, I'm trying so hard to wake up everyday, but I don't want to anymore; I have such a difficulty trying to keep the intrusive thoughts and fantasies away.
Thanks for listening; no where else to turn.

[troubled1]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((JON))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am sorry jon I know the pain is hard you have to fight to get back from the dark...... We are here for you anytime.......... U know how to reach me ....... I wish I was more help tonight but alot has happened since we talked earlier.... We are here.... take care and take me up on that offer you need a voice ok.........Stephanie

[inkblot]

You know what? You sound a lot like me! I've never been good at telling people my feelings--at least in person. Things are so much easier online, email, chat or text messaging. In person, I always "fake it", then once a person gets to know more me, (if they do) they are shocked! I truly know how you feel. I've had days/weeks/months like that. And it's so hard for me to even ask a therapist for help when I need it. Usually my way of asking for help is leaving a note or voice mail hinting that something is wrong. When things were at their worst I wasn't in therapy anymore from lack of insurance and money (like my current situation), so I left numerous voice mails for my child's psychologist--sometimes several times a day! I know it's hard. You want support and caring, you want to talk to somebody, but it's something hard to do. For me, I always feel that why should I bother that person with my despressive life? Or I think that some people might feel uncomfortable hearing certain things. Maybe you are the same way as me. As for giving advice to other people, I can be good, but it's also hard sometimes for me to practice what I preach. What has helped me before is to write a journal. You need to write whatever you want, whenever you want, and as much as you want--but you also need to do this DAILY. It's good to keep in the habit. I've been thinking lately because of my eating and everything else, that I should consider journaling again. There was a time when I used to write down five positive things each day, no matter what my mood. Sometimes that can be hard, but it CAN be done. The list can include anything that makes you happy, or good things that happen. I've been thinking about doing this again, too. You can even buy a special journal for this at a book store, or you can just write in a notebook. It doesn't matter how you do it. I did some journal writing for a change yesterday, but I've only made a mental list in my head about five positive things. Things will get better with time. Talk, keep posting, write. For now, here are some cheery feel better {{{{{{{{{Jonalexa}}}}}}}}}} hugs of support and friendship.

I'm trying...but it's so hard right now; I know you understand
thanks for the offer, but it's safer for me if I just hide out for awhile.
J

I agree that we have some similarities in our coping skills; while things "are easier" online, I don't find it nearly as personable...there's just something about looking someone in the eyes as you speak with them, as you share with them and they with you--I have stopped going to therapy since last August and went off all meds last October, I really thought I was on the right track until my wife left...I imagine it will be for the best, but it's still so hard to be alone in my pain. As far as journaling, I haven't done that since she left, but I do journal off and on, and actually have written a book about my life--VERY therapeutic
Normally I am a positive person, and it's not my self-esteem in question, it's just the feelings of hopelessness that I will be destined to be forever alone.
I know I am a good person, who has so much to offer the right person, but it's so hard to let them in...Thank you

[Butterfly_Faerie]

It's understandable why you are feeling so negative right now.

We all get down like that, putting ourselves down etc. You have to just take it one step at a time, do something to get yourself out of this rut, even if you don't think it'll help, do something anyways. Something you enjoy. Write something postive everyday somewhere in a note book or something, even if you don't believe it write it down anyways that will help. I know cause i've done it and it does help just to write something even if it's forced.

Take care Jon.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Maybe this isn't something that other people struggle with...I don't have the self-esteem issues that so many other are struggling with; I know that I am a great person; I know that I have so much to offer someone; what I struggle with is loneliness...all my life I have been so lonely; my parents moved me around all my life and I never have had roots anywhere...so I thought that once I got married I would be able to settle down and have a place to call "Home". My life is shattered, I've lost the one place that I wanted to be able to call home; I've lost my wife, it wasn't perfect, but it was something.
I am a wonderful person, I just have so much pain--I just have so much fear and distrust; I just want to feel safe, and I want a place to call "Home" where someone understands me and supports me; a place where if I'm struggling with some issues, then I won't be abandoned.
Thanks for your support, and thanks for lettin' me vent.
Jon

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Alot of people here understand you jon. You may be lonely, but you really arent. There is someone out there for you to meet, you just haven't come across that path yet.

Try and keep busy, think postive, you already are, just keep it up.

Take care.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Simply, Thanks.
Jon