Sexual Dysfunction & PTSD

I was raped and molested by a male physician for 7 years of my life as a child. It destroyed the chemistry in my brain for whatever normal sex life I was supposed to have as an adult.

I am wondering if anyone else feels like I do?
I am 44 years old.
I was married in my early 20's for 2 years. I was aware at that time that I had some issues in the bedroom. A few years later I got engaged to a wonderful man who was a Vietnam Vet--he had PTSD from the war. According to my Rabbi-who is also my therapist--we smoothed each other out in regard to our PTSD issues. It was the only time that I ever felt normal in a relationship. He died 3 months before we supposed to be married.

It's been 19 years since he's been gone.
I tried dating after his death. But, the people I dated were normal, and had normal sex drives. I haven't been on a date in 12 years. I gave up trying to find someone.

I've turned men away who were interested--because I knew whatever relationship we might engage in--would eventually lead to intimacy.

I don't have a sex drive. Nothing turns me on.
I don't check out men, or even look at people whatsoever.
They don't interest me.
When I am with someone in the bedroom--I get flashbacks of the doctor raping me. And, in return--I feel raped when I am trying to be with that person.

It isn't that I don't long to be with someone.
But, I am so sexually dysfunctional--that I simply stopped trying to find someone who might have similar issues like me.

I wish there was a switch that I could turn on in my brain that gets the chemistry going, and I actually feel sexually attracted to someone.
But--that switch never turns on.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

I also have sexual issues resulting from repeated assaults as a young teen. My best suggestion would be to see if you can find a counselor in your area who deals with sexual assault recovery/sexual dysfunctions. I have a feeling these are very closely related unfortunately.
Sexual assault recovery is one of my therapist's main interests. She also does couples and individual sexual dysfunction counseling as well. Right now I am in the recovery mode. But she is someone I can discuss any shameful or embarrassing topics. She is very matter of fact about sex, the mechanics
And the emotion.
You might benefit from a counselor you could build a good trust with and have a positive therapeutic relationship.
I wonder if I will ever find someone irresistible that I want to have sex with. I haven't met that person yet. I do wonder sometimes if they even exist.

Now, my situation wasn't repeated. I believe sexual dysfunction is worsened or more prominent for those who've been unfortunate in the case of repeated offense. However, I also have a certain amount of sexual dysfunction. It is very easy for me to fall into a flashback during sex so I've learned a few tips to help myself. First, I explained to my partner of three years of certain things that easily trigger a flashback (though there are times when anything can trigger them). Second, I had to switch positions to make myself more comfortable and in control (that's actually a huge part of it, feeling like I'm in control makes a huge difference in my desire). Third, I take a prazosin to help keep my flashbacks and nightmares at bay along with my own effort to help keep them in control.
Now, because of my medication I'm taking, it's difficult for me to feel desire and much more difficult for me to be able to 'finish' during intercourse. The biggest thing that has helped me is my fiance's acceptance and patience. My fiance has never had PTSD and has a much better drive than I do. When it comes to a partner, they have to care about your needs enough to have that sort of patience and acceptance of your dysfunction. It isn't your fault and if they care about you, they'll understand this. Don't settle for anything less than that. It will only lead to low self-esteem and inadequacy. I hope this helps a bit.

I really worry about starting a romantic relationship that goes to a physical level. At what point do I say "oh and yeah everything you are probably used to during sex, probably not going to happen with me." I mean it just seems odd to have rules and lots of discussions, and in the hookup culture of three dates or less for sex, honestly who will deal with that kind of baggage?
Feeling pessimistic today.

(((hugs)))

Someone who's willing to embrace your situation and will therefore be worth it. To be honest, I'm lucky enough to have had my fiance before PTSD. To be honest, I'm still amazed he's stayed and dealing with my ****. I'm not easy to handle. I have episodes that are so difficult to get me out of, I rarely am in the mood for sex and I'm irrationally anxious and angry 90% of the time. I've only been dating him for three years but we've known each other for seven and I think that that counts for a lot. It's usually always a good idea to start off in a friendship or at least take it slow for a while. If a guy can't understand that, then he's not worth it. If he can, then hold onto him. You don't have to get personal right away by saying that you've been raped and suffer from sexual dysfunction because of it. Just tell them that you want to take it religiously slow and if they're willing to deal with that, you're willing to give them a shot. That's the best advice I can really give.
Even when you finally start feeling comfortable with the idea of sex, you should probably discuss the issue of position and triggers prior. Yeah, it'll take away from the romance but in exchange you'll feel in control and safe. That's what should matter.