[RavensPOE]

I have been to so many therapists in my life--and am now 44 years old. I was raped and molested as a child from ages 3-10 by a male physician. No therapist was ever able to help me--except my current one.

However, after 2 years of therapy--I have come to the conclusion that I think he has abandoned me. The therapy sessions have gotten shorter, and we have basically stopped talking about any of the sexual issues that traumatize me. I think --as most therapists would assume--that when they have other clients who progress at a quicker pace--that they get exhausted, or are consumed with those who are progressive.

I simply can't seem to heal beyond what happened to me as a child. No amount of pills, therapy, or hospitals are ever going to cure me. I haven't been on a date in almost 12 years. Reason being--that whenever I've tried to be intimate with someone--that I get flashbacks of being raped as a child. So, I stay away from people and avoid relationships all together.

I have researched many avenues as to WHY I would have entered this world with such a horrible start. The most dominate conclusion I have reached--is that it's atonement for who or what I was in a previous lifetime.

I decided to take my sabbatical this year as a professor--and use the year to pick up another Master's degree. I opted for a foreign country--in hopes that, some of these issues might fade or dissolve--with a new environment or surroundings. They have not.

At this stage, I think it is time to bid therapy farewell. I have honestly tried the majority of my life to heal through therapy. And, while I found my current therapist to be so rewarding and positive--and I really believed I was on the path to recovery...I think he gave up on me.

I'm exhausted from this process.

[Open Eyes]

Abandonment.......Yes, I think people who struggle with PTSD feel abandoned and marooned. It's very hard for someone who is suffering "intrusive" memories that crop up to challenge one struggling and re-experience to explain it to others.

I believe you, I believe that while you want to be able to enjoy a close relationship and even have normal intimacy, you experience "unwanted" intrusions of the trauma you experienced when you were violated, hurt, victimized and too young to know how to stop it or understand it on the level you do now as an adult, or are trying to understand as an adult.

The reason for the "avoidance" is not about weakness, instead its about not wanting to have the intrusive flashbacks and all the pain/challenges that come with them.

It is hard to find a therapist that can understand the need to be validated and comforted and for the one suffering to have that "witness" that they had so needed when they were traumatized.

The ongoing deslre in one who struggles is that of finding a rescuer, A WITNESS, that can validate them in a way that can go as deeply as needed and for however long that takes.

What it sounds like to me is that this therapist helped you by sitting "with" you and "witnessing" with you as you talked about the depth of how you were hurt. It is important that a therapist understand that when someone is "telling their story" that each time they do so they are also feeling it, often a new piece of something deeply injured comes forward. You had this therapist help you, as you mentioned, this therapist was the first one that was helping you. However, with this therapist's desire to shorten the session and the discussion, you are feeling as though you are losing the witness that you so desperately need to sit with you as you work through telling your story with that "new piece" that has surfaced.

Traumatic events get storred in different areas of the brain, including areas where there is no language. And trauma also gets storred with identifying a lot of the environment where that trauma took place. The truth is, this is how we are designed in order to avoid things that can be dangerous to our survival. When a human being experiences something that has impacted them, there is always a desire to return to wherever this experience took place so that something can be learned about the danger. The human brain is designed to "learn" and "problem solve" because it is a huge part of our existentialism.

A child is very vulnerable because they simply do not have enough life experience to understand how to self protect. A child doesn't even understand their own emotions, they feel them, but they don't really understand "why". However, what often happens is that a child can experience something and go into a state of mind that shuts down, and this is because there is not enough "there" to even begin to know how to react or feel.

It is very hard to remember trauma that took place in one's childhood because there is more life experience years later that did not exist in that child. One of the things that needs to be "grieved" is whatever was "lost" to a child because of the trauma they experienced. Trust and safety is typically something that a child with a history of trauma and abuse struggles with. A therapist that is working with someone like you that has this challenge has to be "available" to the individual that is struggling in their effort to slowly work through this challenge. When the therapist fails to show they are "available" the feeling of "abandonment" can take place in the patient.

Perhaps, this is what you need to work through "now" that you need to talk about with this therapist. I have been very challenged with this myself. I find that one thing that has been "missing" for me in my own healing is experiencing "others" who can relate to my challenge. I had gotten to a point where I needed to talk about a lot of my history, much like having reached a point where I had a lot of the pieces to my own puzzle put together, and it really took a lot of work. I started to post it, and next thing I new I was posting a lot, all the while seeing the puzzle finally coming together, but still struggling with it emotionally, still feeling so very alone with it. I took a chance and wrote it down, all the while fearing that someone would present some kind of "you need to, stop, just, don't allow, you talked about this before, you are just stuck, that is in the past, get over it, you survived it, you need to move on, I have heard this before and I am tired of hearing it, your post is too long, go somewhere else and talk about this, you need to talk to your therapist instead of writing this all down here, you are not the only one that struggles, others have had it worse than you, do you realize you said that three, four, years ago, why do you torment yourself? I kept being triggered when I committed to finally just letting things come out instead of "shoving them down inside". I often wanted to delete all that I shared too. As much as I had wanted that, I realized I had to work through that "strong desire to run away and hide" and take away my feelings, words, puzzle of hurts that I had slowly put into that puzzle I was slowly putting into words.

I kept trying until I got triggered so badly by a response that I finally did delete. I realized that what I have needed and wanted was for someone to say, "Wow, OE, you have done a lot of work, you have put a lot of the pieces of your puzzle together and got up the courage to "PRODUCE" the complicated puzzle of the things you have come to recognize that have hurt you in ways you did not realize the way you are seeing "now".
So I deleted and crawled away feeling once again my effort was invaded, walked on, intruded on, damaged, discarded, criticized, disrespected done wrong, said wrong and I had done something very bad.

It reminded me of a time in my life when I had finally had a chance to get to know OE better, instead of being in the constant shadow of my older brother and older sister. I decided to take my geometry book and for the first time really spend time learning what was in it. After all, most of my years before that were overshadowed by the constant stress I was under because of my two older siblings. I decided I would try to see how I could do if I made it a point to focus on that book. After all, there was too much "stress" in my life to really have that chance. And no one would know expect me, so why not see how it goes. I studied almost all of that book so I could see how I did on the big exam.

Well, I studied and took the exam. I had decided that if I did not do well, no big deal because no one would know that I had really tried. To my big surprise the day I sat in that class after the exams were corrected, the teacher stood in front of the class very angry with the class because so many students had failed the exam. I had assumed I was just one of the students that failed it too. The teacher then said in such a sarcastic way, "No one will believe who got the highest grade on the exam" and "if this student can do this then EVERYONE should have done even better". Apparently some "known stupid student" got a good grade, almost 100%. This teacher made it a point to build up the classes curiosity of what stupid student did so well. I admit, I was curious myself, the student must be so stupid, who was it? Then, she called my name and EVERYONE turned and looked at me in shock. It was not just how that teacher felt about me, but apparently all the others. I was too young to know how to react to that experience, to even stand up and tell this teacher off.

I could not wait for that bell to ring, so I could get away from that humiliating experience. I ran out of that class, and the front doors of that school to my car and all I wanted was to get as far away from that experience as possible. I was so traumatized by that experience that I feared ever doing well again like that so I would "stand out" like that only to be humiliated.

However, RavensPOE, the one thing I did take away from that experience is that I would NEVER hurt someone else for TRYING. I will say that I did carry a deep fear of "if I do well, and produce something good, that it could hurt me". I have come to know there are a lot of people out there like that teacher. I was constantly reminded of that fact, everytime I made the effort to achieve and value what I had achieved in my life. I had not realized that I had been looking over my shoulder with every achievement, always running away from "that teacher or anyone like her". I was ALWAYS fighting that same battle, not really realizing the depths of it until something I did work so hard to achieve was not only destroyed by someone elses disrespect and negligence, but that I was deemed a bad person when being overwhelmed by so much loss, that I had a post traumatic breakdown. Oh, believe me I KNOW ALL ABOUT ABANDONMENT.

I am sorry for ANYONE who struggles on such a deep level and NEED to be validated and heard as they slowly figure out the kind of damage they have suffered. My own comfort zone was in helping others, being "there" to help others develop their sense of "self esteem" by having someone in their life that CARED to take notice, to listen, to encourage and praise for every gain. However, what always escaped me is finding someone who would do the same for me. Especially when I was so traumatized by so much loss that I had that breakdown and needed it the most.

I have gone through over eight years of facing constant criticisms about not only what I witnessed happening, but, constantly facing "what you lost is not worth, or should not be valued and more invalidations then I had EVER imagined experiencing". And forget about talking about the PTSD, that would only be used against me to say "see, she is crazy" and further proof that what she lost has NO TRUE VALUE.

Well, this post to you is rather long isn't it? I suppose I just wanted you to know that I hear you and that I am sorry that something so important was taken from you, you were just a child and what happened to you took having a normal SAFE childhood away from you. I am sure you developed some kind of self protection as you continued to live your life, some of these methods developed in ways you probably were not really aware of so in talking about your own puzzle, it will take you time to slowly see ALL that puzzle, and that can seem like you are repeating, but I know that as you do so, you are slowly seeing new pieces of that puzzle, it's something others listening may not understand and when they fail to understand that, YES, it can feel like you are being "abandoned", I do know that well myself. Perhaps, with my input, you can talk about this with your therapist, because this IS PART OF YOUR PUZZLE TOO.

[RavensPOE]

Thank-you for taking the time to respond to me.

My therapist is also my Rabbi. A few years after the molestation
stopped as a child--I began having Holocaust nightmares.
They've continued for the past 31 years.

I was connected to him after someone from the Jewish community
read my blog about my nightmares--and asked if I ever considered
trying therapy with a Rabbi who was also a licensed psychotherapist.

My Rabbi has told me that no amount of reassurance on his part
will cease my issues with feeling abandoned; and it's true.
I was engaged 19 years ago to the most wonderful man.
He was a Vietnam veteran. He too, suffered from PTSD from what
he witnessed during the war. Sadly, he passed away from a severe
heart attack 3 months before our wedding. I know he was in love with me
with all his heart and soul...but I still wondered in the back of my mind
WHEN he would tire of me and leave.

No amount of reassurance from anyone--even those whom I know love me--
makes the abandonment issue cease. It's one of the reasons why I isolate and
don't make any attempt to form friendships. People don't deserve to have these
issues heaped upon them--especially when they don't deserve it.

My mother was having an affair with the medical doctor who molested and raped me. I was the result of the affair. Neither one of them wanted me, and she was married. My father (who is not my biological father)--has remained
married to her until this day. I don't understand why. She gave me up for adoption a few months after I was born...and ended up going back and retrieving me. WHY she did this...is beyond me.

I have asked her 3 times in my life why she did what she did. I've told her several times that she ruined my sex life forever. She says nothing. And, even if she were to say she was sorry...it wouldn't cure me or solve the problems I have suffered from for the majority of my life.

My Rabbi is a good man and a good therapist. But, I feel that I have exhausted
him. And, there comes a point--that if this is what I have done--I have simply
worn out my welcome in regard to therapy. And, it is better to exit quietly
and on a good note vs. being told to scram.

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry that your mother chose to give you up, then changed her mind. So, from what you are saying the doctor that raped you was also your biological father. It sounds to me like this man was a sociopath or psychopath who first took advantage of your mother and then you.

Does your mother know about what happened to you?

[RavensPOE]

The first, visual memory I have is at age 3--in the doctor's office--
and what he was doing to me. My mother took me to him and watched.
She did this for 7 years. Sometimes, after he was done with me--
he would go over to where she was sitting in the room and touch her.

When I went to school--I had to switch buses at the end of the day.
This stop was between the Junior High and High School. We had 15
minutes to switch buses. The city library was directly across the street.
Many kids who had to switch buses--would quickly run to the library during
this break and check out a book quickly--to have something to read
for the trip home. I did this often, also.

When I was 10 years old and went running across the street to the library
I grabbed the first book that my fingers found in the children's section.
It was a book that had been mis-filed...and should've been in the adult
section...It wasn't a coincidence. It was THE THORNBIRDS by
Collen McCullough. Have you read it?

I found G-d hiding out in that novel. I read it 3 times.
And, I learned what true love was.
THAT book saved my life.

I confronted my mother.
I told her if she ever took me back to the doctor's office
that I would scream so loud that everyone who worked in it
would be in my examination room.

Shortly thereafter, my mother told me that the doctor moved away.

I am sure that I have read that book more than any other in this world.
It saved me: It gave me the knowledge and the courage to confront my
mother...The abuse stopped.

Whenever I am lonely and blue--I read and re-read my Bird book.
It was the bible I never had, and the G-d that I never knew as a child.
I am sure it is a very odd way to find one's spirituality and faith--
but it was my first introduction to it.

Before my fiancee passed away, his most favorite movie was
THE CROW with Brandon Lee. He died making that movie--
a couple of months prior to his wedding. My fiancee also passed away
a few months prior to our wedding. Upon returning to his house in California
after his military burial at Fort Logan Cemetery in Denver--there was a
dead crow on his doorstep.

I do believe, that sometimes something so horrible happens to human life--
that a crow carries their soul to the dead. And sometimes, just sometimes--
the Crow comes back to set the wrong things right.

If it weren't for the Legends of the birds, I would've said farewell
to this existence years ago. But, I do believe that is why I am here:
to somehow, set the wrong things...right.

[Open Eyes]

If your mother allowed this to happen and watched, she is a very sick individual. I am deeply sorry that you were abused this way.

[RavensPOE]

A few years ago I found the doctor who raped and molested me
as a child: I stumbled upon his grave in the cemetery in my home town.

I have often wondered why he came back?
--Did he return after I went to college, and continue the affair with my mother?

I didn't have enough saliva in my mouth that day (it was a hot summer afternoon)
to spit on his grave...so I threw my water bottle at his tombstone instead.

I took your advice in your above previous post, and talked to my Rabbi
about my concerns in regard to him abandoning me. He promised me long
ago that he would never leave...He said that I am a very special case.
He hasn't left.

I struggle with issues of abandonment on many different levels:
Being abandoned as a child,
having my fiancee die--and being abandoned then,
and, in a sense--professional career abandonment.

When my fiancee died--I ended up homeless and living on the streets
of Denver for 7 months. I told myself IF I had all of my degrees
and not just a Bachelor's--that I would never be in this homeless situation.
It was the driving element which sent me to grad school to get all of my
graduate degrees and to become the professor.

When the recession hit--I lost my full tenure track position,
I lost my home, and I found myself working 2 part time jobs.
I was teaching in the evening, and working as a designer at a church
during the day...Even with both jobs it only amounted to approximately 30%
of what I was making on my salary as a full professor.

When I decided to take my sabbatical, and pick up another Master's Degree
in Holocaust Education this year in Israel...I lived in my car for 10 months
prior to making the trip. I simply didn't have the money to pay for rent, plane tickets, pre-college fees, visa, etc--to get to Israel. If I got accepted into the program--the only way I could afford to go is if I lived in my car for almost a year prior.

The winters in Nebraska get down to -22 below zero, with the summers as hot
as 117 degrees in the shade. I lived in my car from New Year's Day of 2015 until October of 2015. About 5 days before I got on the plane to fly to Israel
I sold my vehicle. I visited my grandmother in Denver, and had a place to sleep until my plane took off.

Homeless people who live in their vehicles and work during the day live
their lives in complete isolation. I joined a gym about 5 blocks from the church--and was able to work out each morning there, and then take a shower and get ready. I bought a sleeping bag that will keep a human being warm down to -40. It was the item that saved my life during the harsh winter of sleeping in my car each night.

When summer came, I was required to read 4 books on the Holocaust prior to the program starting in Israel in October. Too hot to read in my car--I spent my summer reading all of those books in the city cemetery.

I have never felt so abandoned in my life. My Rabbi lives in Israel.
We corresponded for 2 years prior to my coming here, and getting accepted
into the program. I would've died as a homeless person without his guidance. None of the homeless shelters would take me. I wasn't a single mother who had been beat up by her husband. Nor was a I woman who would flunk an alcohol or drug test. There was no shelter for me to go to, and there are no hostels in the city I lived in.

Once my program ends, I will have no job to return to.
No home to fly back to in the United States, and no car to drive.
I was the homeless professor who lost it all in the recession,
and ended up sleeping in my car for 10 months to get myself
out of such a hopeless situation--to go back to grad school.

I pray each day, and know that being homeless and abandoned
has always brought me closer to G-d.

I just hope that after this graduate program ends, that it is the turning point
in my career--and I get hired as a designer at either a Holocaust or Jewish Museum. If not--I will be forced to return to the United States. And, I don't know where I will go once the plane lands.

[1976kitchenfloor]

Dear Person,

There is little I can say or do to touch the depths of what you have been going through. What I can say is that you are here for a reason. Your words have touched me and can touch others. Your story needs to be told and shared.

I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I send you my love. You are now in my heart.

[RavensPOE]

Thank-you for your kind words and reaching out to me.

Holocaust Memorial Week begins tomorrow in Israel.
I am not sure if you are aware--but there is a siren that will
blow here on Thursday at noon. Everyone stops working,
stands up, and is silent for 2 minutes to remember those
who perished in the ghettos and concentration camps.

Each day that I was homeless, I told myself that my situation
was never as desperate or as horrible as those we lost in the Shoah.
How does one learn true compassion without he or she themselves
having suffered?