[dwr3]

I'm just gonna copy and paste some quotes from my other thread here.

At the age of 11 I moved with my parents to another country. I was the only non English speaking person back then at school. I got severely bullied, physically as well as verbally. I lasted the whole year, day by day, month by month, hiding, avoiding everyone, feeling totally not in the right place. I couldn't cope. I didn't understand the lessons much at first, couldn't start a conversation. People would start fights with me, kept coming to "check" me once they've heard about me, were waiting for me in particular places, following me. I was pushed and spitted at. It was hell. I cried nearly every day, my suicidal thoughts started to occur. Each morning on a bus to school I would literally pray for meeting someone of my nationality, who'd understand me. It was a terrible idea to send me there. After that year we moved back to our country and town.

As I said, I came back to my country and again had to go to another school. "The middle school", that's how we call it. And there, I was again and outsider, some girl who just moved back from another country. But it wasn't easy for me to interact with people after the previous year. I laughed, but I was unsecure and scared. I grew so scared of school I would have a full blown panic attack at 80% of the lessons. I didn't have anyone, I was invisible. They would sometimes just laugh at me, though there was that one girl that I was friends with. I often felt ashamed, embarassed, anxious.

It actually wasn't the only time I got bullied, there was a lot of it in my life, perhaps due to my family that never taught me how to properly interact with others and separated me from them. I was never a saint, there were surely times I was mean to others, too. After coming back to my country there was depression, lots of meds, then my SSRI induced mania (plus Xanax, lots of it at that time) that I've written about here http://forums.psychcentral.com/bipol...-long-one.html

The thing is, that in order to feel safe, I need to separate myself from others. There's a "me against the world" and "me hated by the whole human kind" game strong going in the back of my mind

After my so called manic episode I really had this group of friends, we sticked together for a few years, there were some really interesting personalities among them. We were partying together, going on a trips, meeting nearly everyday, until like 90% of them moved out... But I have to admit that I totally don't know how to behave among others. I was terrible. Narcissistic, paranoid, talking behind others back in order to feel in control, because I was unable to solve a conflict in any other way (like most of them, but it doesn't matter). I was jealous. Done a lot of cutting myself off. Really anxious. Feeling odd, crazy, feeling hated a lot without reason. Dealing in others is for me more of a survival and showing who's the strong one, than enjoying company. I always had to isolate myself in order to feel safe again.

And there was this thing that happened on this year's New Years Eve...

It's a bit complicated to explain... One of my friends from my town, let's call him Marc, has this ex-girlfriend from another town, 200 km away from mine, let's call her Jane. Jane is crazy. Even more than I am. Jane is lying about herself in order to get compassion, getting extremely drunk, unable to solve her problems, beating people when drunk, screaming at people, she's a drunk driver and I did not like her from the very beginning, though she pretended to be the most charming person ever. Jane and Marc had/have a very toxic relationship and many people are involved, including Jane's female friends, who are very protective of her, creating this little gang. There was also my other friend and I'll call him Frank, who moved in with Jane.

Okay, so past year I really did wanna give Jane another chance, I said sorry, she said sorry, I didn't wanna be a bi.tch etc. I decided to come to her and Frank on NYE. And so i did. I just didn't know that the party is going to be kept at some...Adult friend of Jane's best girlfriend mother... There were some people I totally didn't know, mostly in their 30-40, very weird people. The party was awful.
Fortunately there were my other male friends who came there after midnight, guys from my town also (we re all 20 yrs old). Who also didn't know these people, but they had a party in the capital city which was not so far away, it was boring, so they came. And there was this stupid, pointless argument that started, and those men in their 40 who were there happened to be very aggressive.
One of them attacked me when I was trying to make him go away, because I was calmly leaving with one of my friends, we were already outside the house (believe it or not, i can be very self controlled in such situations). He grabbed me by my shoulder and neck and pushed me away, calling me some nasty way. He took another guy and their started to beat my friend, broke him a few parts, even though he was telling them to stop cause he couldn;t defend himself.

Jane, who was already drunk on one of the sofas, had to complain something about me and my past conflict with her to her bff, cause that girl also went outside, we thought she wants to help control the situtation (the guy that attacked me was her father or sth), but she just started getting at me, wanting to punch me, I was like WTF.

Then she was screaming at me for like 30 min, told me to die, how bad I am, all these names I can't even repeat in another language, extremely offensive, what a piece of **** I am, how someone should rape/kill me, how i will never gain any respect, how no one will ever like me, this trash I am... I asked her what this was about, and she screamed it's because I was against her BFF's relationship. Niiiiice.

And as I have this manner or dissociating and getting extremely ignorant in such situations, I just told her "Thanks for your lovely remarks" and went away.

Those men already left my friend on the ground (he wasn't that Jane's ex, another person), so I took him, we walked a bit, then I called police and we got escorted to Franks and Jane house. But it wasnt over, cause when we were sleeping, Jane had another quarrel with her ex (they came home much later) and a few hours later she sneaked out to drive 40 km totally drunk, no one KNEW about it, we didn't hear the car engine, so we couldn;t stop her (even if someone would hear her going outside, we would have thought she is going to buy some food or smoke a cigarette, because it;s not natural for us to go drunk driving to feel better). Jane drove all the way to her grandma. To drink tea and talk. Niiice. Her aggressive stepfather came to us when he founf out, woke us up, calling us pieces of sh.it, his fists in the air, and threw us out... (The only reason Frank is staying there is because he doesn't stop drinking ever since he moved out. Actually he drinks to the point of hallucinating and it was SO NICE of him to get drunk the next day all that happened and scream at me I'm nothing.).

I was supposed to go to the court with all of this along with my friend who got beaten (he's a law student) but the lawyer said it won't necessarily have a positive outcome for us. However we decided to stay away from this people and their town. Jane just commented that "nothing happened, it was just alcohol, we shouldn't be bothered" and I had an argument with her about that. I don't wanna see her ever again, but it's another thing.

2015 was enough stressful for me, along with some guy TRYING to sexually harass me, and I have to admit, that in 2016 i just completely isolated myself. I also lost the job the other day due to financial cuts and I'm just sitting at home, not going out. I trust no one, I don't feel like going out with someone could be a pleasure, I - again - feel odd and crazy. Got extreme intrusive thoughts of all kind (i do have severe OCD, including violent, sexual and suicidal thoughts, memories also), I'm afraid of developing psychosis or some wild mania (though i don't really believe I can get mania without meds or at least tons of alcohol), I had another depression episode already, anxiety, extreme derealization, didn't get out of bed, passing family problems also... I try to get back to life, im doing house renovation, but i dont feel like im going anywhere...

I'd like to help myself dealing with emotions but I have a hard time recognizing them, i can't trust myself.

Any tips for dealing with the world? With myself?

I don't know what approach to take, I find so many possible ones. It's hard for me because my mind is so wild, one day I believe I'm a schizophrenic and won't get out of bed, fearing there's no future for me, other one I'm like not so really bad, but not sure...My obsessive- compulsive personality cannot live without some clear, simple way of understanding myself.

Yet I need to stop being so defensive and hypervigiliant, because it won't get me anywhere.

Sorry for the language mistakes, I'm not a native speaker.

[sriracha]

That's horrible! I think your reaction is what anyone would have after going through what you did, you aren't crazy. Even if you already had mental health issues, those events would be traumatic to anyone. Don't be ashamed, because even if you can't get out of bed or you are not able to do every day things, you are still here, which shows a lot of strength. I would advise you to find a good therapist if you can, because they can help you work through everything. I can understand how hard it is to not always recognize yourself and emotions. Another option is work books that you can find in any bookstore on subjects like PTSD, (even if you aren't diagnosed with it they can still help). Try to do little things to take care of yourself like eating and exercise if you can manage, but if it doesn't happen then don't beat yourself up about it. It's very normal after something like this to have good days and bad days, up and down, sometimes feel ok, sometimes feel terrible. It's a sign that deep down you are trying to get better and haven't yet lost hope, even if some days feel like it. I totally understand losing trust in other people, and one way to help this is to learn about boundary setting and learning to trust your instincts. "Jane" is a toxic and dangerous person that you need to stay away from. How she treated you and every one else is abuse, and people making excuses for their behavior that they were drunk is never ok. Even if a person had alcohol, they are still responsible for their behavior. If your friends hang out with her, there is nothing that makes you obligated to come along, even if they get mad or something. You always have the right to say no to anything. If something doesn't feel right to you, or someone makes you feel unsafe, then get away. I admire you for helping your friend and calling the police, that must have taken a lot of strength and courage. Please remember that none of this is your fault, and you and your friends did not deserve to be treated this way. No one does. You might not know where your life is headed at this point, but know that you are still alive, still trying, you have a good sense of right and wrong, that OCD and depression do NOT mean you are insane and that you are a strong survivor. I hope this was helpful, and I send my best wishes to you. Take care!

[dwr3]

Thank you very much sriracha, that was very helpful!

[dwr3]

I also need to add that I'd wish to see myself in a good light. But I've been actually feeling very pathetic. I know that what those people did was not right, the quarrel first started when those two friends of mine came to the party later and I was so happy because the one who got beaten, well, we are really old friends, and we haven't seen each other for almost a year! so we closed ourselves in one of the rooms and talked and talked for like two hours and those other people thought it's very rude of us and finally they kicked us out of the house (i dunno, they probably thought we're about to have sex or sth, but we didn't, cause we're more like a brother and sister, though i was sitting on the floor then and could look a bit slutty cause of the dress, actually i always look a bit slutty when I drink, that's why I don't usually party with some people i don't know), so i took him and we left, we were already outside. It was like "ok, no problem, bye". But the other stupid friend of ours, that Jane's ex, he was also about to leave, yet he started some fight over a bottle of vodka - as i acknowledged later on - and he moved with those guys outside and that's when it reached us cause we were already out of the house (it was in a valley) and that was actually the reason we were injured, otherwise we two would just leave quietly and the party would go on. I felt really sorry for my friend, cause he had to make it to the 2nd of January with his broken hand, because the ambulances on NYE and the 1st were available only for some severe cases.
The police that escorted us also couldn't do much, I called for them after we went away and drove a bit on the bus, we didn't even know the address of that house. They just told us that there are some weird people living in this town.

What is making me angry about that situation is that no one apologized or suffered the consequences. We would sue those people, but there were no other people on our side, who could testify positively. Jane would blame alcohol and stand on her bff's side, Frank said it wasn't nice of those people to attack everyone, but he thinks that it's our fault it all started because we didn't join everyone (and he would never stand against someone who pays his bills and lets him live for free, cause Jane does that, he spends everything on alcohol) and Jane's ex, well, he didn't care much, he forgot about this situation the day after. He played a big part in my conflict with Jane, because I was his friend once (which I regret due to some circumstances, he's the kind of person who can betray everyone and manipulates them easily, yet I understand why, cause I know his father and the whole city knows him and this guy is just...purely malevolent? Yes, that's a good word.) and as his friend I really tried to convince him that Jane is not a good part. What happened was that in almost each of their conflicts, as I suppose, he would quote the things I said to him about her, always letting her know these are my words, so he could kinda...offend her, but by blaming someone else, it that makes sense.

So I kinda have this anger inside me, lots of anger, yet I also do kinda blame myself for such things to happen for several reasons. I feel sad that people see me as a big-headed, fake person who's not worthy of trust, I acknowledge many of my faults. On the other hand, I feel sad, because I don't feel respected and I cannot make people respect my boundaries, which I'm planning to change as soon as I go back to the society. If I will. But people don't understand that what they think about me is arrogance or pride or being fake or whatever is really me feeling extremely uneasy around them. Though I can be harsh and unpleasant, too. Yet mostly, I'm just sh.it scared.

When I came home after this unfortunate trip there were another surprises.

I came to my house, terribly stressed and hangovered and there was my mother, looking at me with pure hatred. As I happened to acknowledge later, she was writing desperate and hateful messages to my father about how bad I am not to call her on New Year's Eve with wishes. She was mad I left her in the first place, because my dad is also away and she was alone at the house. She did just everything to make me feel awful, like I already haven't. I did not tell her what happened, because she would probably explode, but I told my father (he's a bodyguard). He was mad, yet he was like "Told ya to stay home, you didn't have to wander somewhere among strange people" and that was it.
A few weeks ago they started to express how disappointed of me they are because I can't find another job and because of my current lifestyle and it was done in a rather offensive manner.

It's not easy at this house, because for my parents I'm only good when I stay quiet and do what's right in their opinion. They're both extremely narcissistic. It's sad to admit but they could never help me with my problems (my problems were just me causing them pain) and now that I am alone with my mother it gets me really upsetting because I feel I'm just a living part of the furniture, designed to listen to her and amuse her because she is lonely. I know she loves me and I do too, but I'm not wrong when I say those things. She's intrusive, and I feel this need to walk on eggshells and keep her in a good mood. It's scary. She always made me feel bad about others and about leaving the house, going on trips etc.

I'm co dependent and it's not helpful.

Today I felt really terrible. I had this exploding panic attack, lots of "propsychotic" intrusive thoughts. And I know that being paranoid is not only a state of mood that ocurrs sometimes, but a big part of my personality. I am really afraid of getting totally lost in all of this. At this point I'm so scared that I feel that I'm only waiting for snapping out of reality or starting to develop some extreme ideas or hear voices. From someone else's view, I could already look psychotic.

I do not feel that bad only when I'm writing.

[dwr3]

I've been pretty isolated for the last months. I had some severe family problems and yesterday was verbally attacked and received a lot of hatred from my grandfather and was a part in nasty family conflict (http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...l-abuse-2.html). I feel bad again, get pretty paranoid and even have paranoid dreams.

My therapist gave me a copy of this book, and while it hasn't been an instant cure all,
it certainly provides much insight, as well as several tool kits specifically designed for those
of us that are struggling with this particularly nefarious type of PTSD ...



If you can't get a copy of his book, he also has some helpful information online at ...

Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

Sorry you're also struggling with C-PTSD, and hoping you find some of this information helpful too!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[dwr3]

I don't have an access to most American books, but I'll check on the site.

Thank you!