Begging to dissociate

Do you ever have days where you feel like begging your body to dissociate? Today my symptoms are so bad I just want my brain to just check out for awhile and give me a break. I am exhausted and on edge. I'm trying to allot myself some grace to just have a bad day but it's hard when the bad day feels unbearable. This morning I woke my poor husband up with one of my night terrors. He didn't get much sleep after that because I kept shifting or shaking or whimpering in my sleep. He works for the next 16 hours so that'll be hard with poor sleep. I'm trying not to feel guilty about that because it's not my fault but I still do.

Yes, I totally relate. Sometimes I wish there was a "pause" button in life. Just so everything and everyone would be still for awhile so I can just breathe!

I am sorry you are having a rough day. Thinking of you. xo

Have you tried gratitude? At least you chose the right man to be your husband. Not every woman with PTSD has that comfort. In fact some women with PTSD have it because of their ex husband.
I use the happify app to help me develop a better attitude.
I've been living with PTSD for a decade.
Good luck

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My problem is that I dissociate a lot. Whether its depersonalization, the times where I feel like nothing's real, to missing time all together. It's like having this weird amnesia about the last few minutes to the last hour. Honestly, I've missed an entire day. I have to rely on others to tell me what happened. I tend to get more volatile during these and more suicidal. No, I don't have to remember the hell I went through during these times but I also have to worry about what I did. It scares the crap out of me. At the same time, when I don't dissociate and I get to remember and go through everything, I do find myself begging to at least forget. Double edged sword, I guess. Best of luck, hope you have better days.

I'm sorry that you've had to go through that. My experience is similar but more benign. I too lose time but during that time I have never done anything but sit and stare. I guess I should have been more clear about what I meant by dissociation. My dissociation preference is when I become a completely numb zombie on auto pilot. I don't have any emotions, hardly have any noticeable thoughts or opinions and, best of all, no flashbacks or memories. It's like numbing a bad toothache. Just a couple of hours where I don't feel like a raw nerve on the verge of a breakdown.

I've had that sort of dissociation before, its heaven compared to everything else. I understand the desire. I was told by my social worker at the hospital that when there's no dissociation and you are forced to deal with the flashbacks, hallucinations etc., that is your brain trying to process it consciously in an effort to heal.
I know it's harder and a kind of hell I never want to wish on anyone, but it's a necessary evil in order to recover what you lost during the trauma, or at least adapt.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this and I hope that you will eventually be able to heal. You can PM me if you ever need to talk to someone but don't want it public. I'm not religious, what so ever, but I'll pray to whom ever's out there that you'll get better.

Thanks for that. Since I don't have a T currently I don't want to deal with memories surfacing or flashbacks. I don't want my body to try and process the trauma yet. I don't have someone who is a professional to help me navigate the healing process. Otherwise right now it's just confusing pain. I'm in the process of getting a new T but until then I just want to escape the pain.

Don't get just any therapist. Make sure they're a legitimate trauma therapist, otherwise you get really messed up like I got. I haven't seen anyone since the hospital. Those at the hospital knew what they were talking about but before that I was seeing a therapist who didn't really respect that I didn't want to talk about it. She pushed me to the edge pretty bad.

Yeah I experienced something similar. In the end I believe my previous therapist did more damage than good. That's partially why I've taken so long to start looking for a new one. But now that I have better guidelines for what to look for I'm looking to get to back into therapy.