[Bacardi 1862]

When I was around 7 years old or so I was brain washed and molested by my mother's friend's son who was 16 at the time (I'm a guy) he didn't force me at all but tricked me into thinking this was normal he tricked me into doing oral on him and this lasted until I was 10.
This never bothered me until years later in highschool and these innocent gay jokes triggered my first panic attack and being as transparent as am the rumor was I sucked everyone's **** so I'm pretty Mich being bullied for being sexually abused even though no one noes it. It did get me thinking though through all the hell I decided I am bisexual probably because of the molestion considering I love women and I am not emotionally into men I am strictly sexual with guys.
This is when my anxiety really starts to kick in place where I am having panic attacks 24/7 I am hyperventilating in my sleep now I'm having weird unwanted sexual thoughts to my male family members I am close with I was diagnosed with PTSD and I went to therapy for a couple of months before I just quit and I thought I was better I got on xanax which helps a lot but now my anxiety hit more than ever about 2 weeks ago I feel like all that time from highschool to now about 5 years is wasted and I'm back when I'm started.
It didn't help that these same gay jokes also happened today at work from a female co worker and outed me in front of everyone because I'm really transparent about my anxiety mainly myface gets beat red.
I've lost all hope I don't know what to do. It will at least be another 6 week waiting period before I can get counseling again. What should I do until then?

[Skeezyks]

Hello Bacardi 1862: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you area encountering this difficulty. I have always struggled with a lot of anxiety & I know it can do strange things to a person. I'm afraid I denied my struggles for many years... much to my detriment. So I celebrate your determination to heal.

The simple answer here, if you can do it, is to either increase your current dosage of medication or make some changes in what you're currently taking. It doesn't necessarily need to be permanent. But, from what you wrote, it sounds as though what you need right now is a quick fix until you can get back into counseling. That is part of what med's are for.

There are other things one can do to try to remedy anxiety... physical exercise, meditation, etc. (I'm sure you've heard all of this before...) But these types of things, while valuable, aren't "stop-gap" measures to get you through until you can get back into counseling. Of course, continuing to post here on PC can help too.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Erti]

Sexual abuse seems really hard when the abuse was from someone of the same sex... especially with men and they question their masculinity and sexuality.

[Open Eyes]

(((Bacardi))),

Welcome to PC, I think if you are patient and give PC some time, you will come across some very supportive individuals that can not only relate to your challenge, but offer to listen and not pick on you and even help you along while you are waiting to find a new therapist.

First of all, what you have described as happening to you, and the age you were, how would you know what that other older boy said to you was wrong? Young children tend to be very trusting and inquisitive, and a 7 year old boy can "trust" an older boy much more then he should. What you did was explore as most children do, and in that exploration you experienced pleasure. What happened is your brain connected an association that later on, you began to really question. Also, it's possible that imprinted that experience as something that aroused you and you enjoyed it, but really in an innocent way. Keep in mind, children have SO LITTLE knowledge, they are very gullible, and a 7 year old can still believe Santa Clause is real too, think about that. And even when it's finally discovered that Santa Clause isn't real, an individual will always remember the joy of when they thought Santa Clause WAS real. If you just consider that one thing, in how the brain, even knowing Santa Clause in not real, will still enjoy the "idea of". Well, that is just how our brains work, is that BAD?

Children are very vulnerable when it comes to discovering sexuality, they explore and discover a lot more than is discussed. There are countless individuals that remember these experiences and once they do understand, "question" and even feel guilt and confusion. Also, the last thing admitted is that they even enjoyed whatever happened, they enjoyed it not really understanding it.

I love women and I am not emotionally into men I am strictly sexual with guys.

That would make sense if you think about it objectively. What you experienced had nothing to do with love, it was just about experiencing "pleasure" in a way you really did not understand at the time, of course you would not between age 7 to 10.

Does that mean you are bisexual? I honestly don't know, but it's understandable that a part of you developed a connection of how you can experience sexual pleasure.

Now, there is a really good movie about a man named Kinsey who made it a point to study sexuality. It stars Liam Neeson (sp?). I think you should make it a point to watch that movie because it was actually well done. I found myself wondering how I missed that book written by that man who spent a great deal of time studying human sexuality, especially at the time because that was something that so few actually talked about.

I can understand that the Xanex can be helpful. But what will be more helpful is taking some time to look at your challenge objectively because you are not the first to have the kind of sexuality challenge that you are describing. I really think if you make it a point to watch that movie, it will open your mind and you will be a lot more accepting of yourself because that is what you need the most IMHO.

This never bothered me until years later in highschool and these innocent gay jokes triggered my first panic attack and being as transparent as am the rumor was I sucked everyone's **** so I'm pretty Mich being bullied for being sexually abused even though no one noes it.

I think you are being too open with the WRONG people, people that "still" have very little knowledge, and one thing these kind of people do is joke about whatever they simply do not understand. It's very rare to find a pier that has enough sophitication and KNOWLEDGE, to respond to you the way you not only need but deserve. The best way to combat that is "knowledge" and developing your ability to be more objective with that knowledge.

What happened to you when you were 7 will always be a part of you, but you don't have to allow that to ruin you for the rest of your life.

[Open Eyes]

I also wanted to add that often the abuser in situations like you are describing was also abused and encouraged to think something was "ok".

[Michalx09]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
This is a great place to start for the next six weeks! There is a lot of help and community within psych central.

[MtnTime2896]

To get you to that appointment, I only have a few tips:

1. Healthy living (i.e. working out, eating right, staying hydrated and getting sleep).

2. Find a hobby to do on your free time, something that puts you in some form of peace.

3. During a panic attack breathe with your stomach. Inhale and count to 4, hold it for 4 and exhale for 4. Keep doing it until you think you're okay.

4. Before going to sleep, lay in bed and tense and loosen your muscles a few times in different areas of your body. Do it a few times.

5. If you ever get to a point where you really need to talk to someone and you'd prefer it to be someone you don't know, call 1-800-273-8255. They'll help talk you through it.

These things have helped me in the past, along with talking on this site. You'll find other things that are more custom to you.
Stay strong.

[paingrl]

I'm so sorry you have been through this... It's so painful and damages us badly. Good luck with your appointment <3

[Shaly78]

To unwanted sexual thought of family members, be sure you want to share that part of you. If won't help safety especially with panic attacks just make sure you want to share this part of you. Establish rules and training if you have to this is common for DID and dissociative disorder for gender fluid systems when it comes to incest. Maybe just do it to help your own mind please don't share it without your own safety to worry about. It is a crime to make anyone feel unsafe especially family just remember that.