Triggered last night

So I may be outing myself to those who will know who I am but last night on my walk to my Mood Disorders Support Group (I am bipolar in addition to having trauma related issues) I was verbally accosted by someone in the street. Whether I had been in the wrong or not is beside the point.

Although in reality I am sure he did no more than lip off to me, I instead immediately reacted with terror. I was convinced my life was in danger; yet, I could neither take flight nor fight. Instead I just shut down. For how long I do not know. The bridge was full of people when the incident happened but empty when I 'came to' and realized what had happened.

Then I faced the usual emotions I face after an encounter or trigger. Instead of getting angry at the perpetrator I got angry at myself. How dare I behave that way, how humiliating, everyone is laughing at me, and I am like a small frightened child.

I resent being made to feel this way.

By a stranger? How frightening. I would have reacted the same way. I tend to freeze. I'm usually so shocked I become paralyzed.

You're quick to put yourself down for not getting mad at the person who verbally assaulted you, but I think you are--your body waited until you were safe to get angry, which is not a bad thing. I've had people yell at me on the street too and reacted the same way--because who knows if the person is just going to yell, or do something physical? Freezing is a natural response.

I am so sorry this happened to you. I would've been super scared too. And mad, because it sucks that we have these reactions.

Yes. I had to keep walking. I'd no one to call. My boyfriend is out of town and well, I can't call my family. How could I acknowledge I have some PTSD? I would have to admit I have been the victim to multiple traumas. Especially to my dad. Some of these traumas go back to early childhood.

I'm sorry that happened to you...I feel I can understand how PTSD can make someone feel shamed. Skeksi's observation that perhaps your body waited until you were safe to regain "consciousness" may be so - Isn't response fight/flight/or freeze? You did what you needed to get through. That is a strength in and of itself - honoring your instincts, and doing what you need to.

I feel I can understand the resentment PTSD generates - sometimes I feel like my mind and body are betraying me, too. The more primitive part of my brain that prompts the PTSD doesn't care if I'm on a bus, or at work, in the store - it just responds. Verbal can feel just as threatening - sure there are so many others here who will affirm that.

Take care

Update. Today marks a full week since the incident on the bridge. The thoughts of fear have long passed but what remains is shame. I can't help but wonder about my own behavior when I blacked out and what the strangers watching themselves thought and did. There is such a strong sense of embarrassment. And constantly running through my head is my mother's voice saying "What would people think? tsk, tsk." (she incidentally was my chief bully)