PTSD Monster

Hello all.

This is my first time reaching out about my struggle with PTSD. Aside from speaking to a doctor about it and occasionally reaching out to a therapist, I haven't really discussed my disorder with anyone. I feel like a monster sometimes. My PTSD is so varied in its trigger. Simple things. Things that a person would see as completely harmless... Then a memory shadows my heart and I am completely at their mercy. I was severely abused as a child. I will give a very brief idea of what I've experienced. My stepfather was an absolute monster. He tied me up with duct tape and kicked me around the house as though I were a soccer ball; laughing when he broke my nose at 4 years old. He would spit in my drinks and not tell me until after I had finished it. To this day I cannot drink the last few swallows of whatever is in my glass. He nailed me and my brother to the floor of our apartment and left the house, stating that he was going to Disneyland and we were going to starve to death. He also molested me on more than one occasion with my mother forcing me to apologize to him for the accusation.
My mother was very abusive as well. She forced my brother and I to lick our kitchen floor clean. She beat us often. She threatened to kill us. She threatened to put us up for adoption. She didn't protect us from the monsters she brought into the house and used meth while we were growing up.
I was molested on several occasions by several men and boys. I was always being hurt. I do not believe in love as a result. I see people as dark, gnarled monsters waiting to hurt me at every turn. I don't give myself over to anyone. I love...but I love from behind a very thick wall. When I am angry...I am a reflection of all of the hurt and horror I received and witnessed as a child.
I feel very alone. Very guilty. Very sad. I feel that I am better off alone. I'm married so their would be repercussions should I choose to do that. But I do feel that I am toxic and should not be with anyone. I am abusive towards my partner. I have abusive language. I am trying very hard to get help but I am scared. I feel as though I am never going to get over this. This can't be my whole life... This can't be all there is.

Hello Toxic Rose: I'm so sorry you had to endure such awful abuse growing up. No one should be subjected to this kind of torture... especially not a child. You said you have spoken to a doctor about your PTSD & occasionally reached out to a therapist.

I think I may have some similar experience as far as seeing therapists goes. I've tried a few for brief periods over the years. None of it ever amounted to anything. I think part of that was because I never found what I considered to be a good therapist. They ranged from mediocre to dreadful! But it is also true there are things in my past I simply will never talk to anyone about. And the response I've received from the few things I have talked about has only reinforced with me the fact that I would never, ever mention the rest of it. Still... one thing I do recognize is that therapy is a long-term process that requires commitment. So, given the extreme conditions you grew up under, I wonder if really committing yourself to the therapeutic process might not be worthwhile.

The abuse I grew up with pales beside what you describe. But I did struggle with abuse myself. Plus I think I probably had an overlay of mental health problems to begin with that caused the abuse I did suffer to have a much greater impact on me than it would have had if I had been mentally stronger to begin with. But, unfortunately, the combination of untreated mental health struggles I carried throughout childhood, plus the abuse I did receive, resulted in my also turning out to be a toxic person. And as a result I, in my turn, did severe damage years ago to people who deserved infinitely better from me... I also feel very alone, very guilty & very sad. I often wish I could simply walk off into the night never to return. But I am also married. And my wife has no one but me. So I simply endure the loneliness, guilt & sadness & strive to accept with compassion who & what I turned out to be.

Still, I do believe you can heal from the trauma of your young life. You simply have to find the right therapist & then commit to the process. I pray you will find the strength to do so...

Hi Toxic Rose!

Thankyou for sharing. Your post resonated deep in my soul. I too, was abused and I really can't say I know what love is (I still believe in it!). I too, have some stories to tell of abusive behavior on my part. I sometimes wonder who I'd be if I would have had a "normal" upbringing.
Nevertheless, there is help and there is no need to be ashamed. A good therapist, like The Skeezyks suggested is a fine course of action. Additionally, your local women's shelter helps the abusive and the abused, and I highly recommend one.
Good luck and come back to check in often.