[TishaBuv]

My whole married life, I did all the cleaning myself. I didn't want to ever have a housekeeper or nanny, baby sitters, etc... i just felt uneasy about the idea of them, so it was just easier to do everything myself.

When discussing it with my mom, she said "Maybe it's because the housekeeper was shot right in front of you."

"Whaaaat?"

"Oh yes, when you were two, you loved her, but one day her bf came to the house and shot her when she and you were in the laundry room. The bullet grazed her and she peed all over the laundry on the floor from fear."

My mother never had another house keeper again, either.

Oh wow.

Sorry you were a witness to that at such a young age,or any age.You may not consciously remember it but your subconscious does.

At least feeling uneasy about having a housekeeper,nanny etc.makes sense now.

Finding things out like that can be such a shock and hard to absorb and process,at least it always has been for me.

Hugs,if ok.

[TishaBuv]

It's no wonder I have haunting memories of my childhood.
My housekeeper got shot, then I never saw her again.
My mother traumatized me by playing these records every night when she put me to sleep that I thought was about flying insects.
My rabbits got eaten.
My bird flew the coop.
My father lost his mind and died.
I was bullied.
I didn't eat and was emaciated. And my mother was a screaming, abusive witch about it.
I had severe allergies and was untreated.
I had a huge nose and was made fun of.
My dog ran in front of my school bus and got killed right in front of me.
My parents abandoned my cats.
My mother received death threats from the mob for uncovering a scheme (long, traumatic story)
My mother was caught in a riot that I heard on the radio while sleeping at my friend's house.
My best friend and I got flashed and chased by a man.
My uncle was my age, but there was this whole dysfunctional dynamic due to my grandfather's money. Very sick stuff. We got bathed together, too weird.
And now my sister tells me about possible incest, I don't even want to think about.
I watched as hundreds of people ransacked my house during a house sale.

I thought all this kind of stuff was normal.

All this before I was 12.

[Yzen]

Wow, that is quite a list. You need a hug.

You carry those early traumas with you. My mother didn't tell me about an traumatic event I went through when I was 2 until I was an adult. I am sure there was more to it than she has told me, but I may never know.

[TishaBuv]

Lately I am feeling like that girl once again. I had actually separated from being myself. Talking about all this and reconnecting with all my friends on fb who I knew from back there, has made me come full circle to be the me who I was then.

I hope this is a good thing. It's a very strange feeling.

[TishaBuv]

I was shown so young how people and things end and leave. It was just accepted with numbness. I don't feel worried about people abandoning me. I always keep a back up plan, like one who looks for the Exit just in case.

Adrenaline constantly surging, fight or flight, from constant drama. I didn't bring it on myself.

My mom is so used to it, now she can't turn it off. She's hysterical 24/7.

[unaluna]

Holy crap.

Kinda funny but not really, but the first time i saw a t was because i was unhappy with my sex life, which i believe was also your recent complaint? But the first thing the t asked me was, how is your relationship with your mother? I was like, wtf? Meanwhile theres a laundry list of major issues like you just listed that i was unaware of, in a weird way. That were just cluttering my life. You ie i might find it difficult to have a good sex life on top of all that. We're like the princess and the giant humongous boulder under the mattress!

[TishaBuv]

The first and only time I saw a t before the crisis with my h was when I was in college, felt trapped in a relationship with my bf, confused about what I was doing, and couldnt stop my period.

He only wanted to talk about my father's death and made me cry.

I left college and lingered on and off with the bf that ended badly. Some help, huh?

Then the sexual/emotional issue that tortured me due to my h!

That's the only thing that blocked my life so bad I cried to all who would listen for help.

I just distanced myself from all these things that happened. There's even so much more, and worse stuff yet once I became sexual and got exposed to drugs.

You weren't able to handle thinking about or dealing with these things until now. The time just was not right--maybe not able to understand/kept it buried for who knows why--perhaps our hearts don't soften up from the terrible traumas until we have enough support from God, family and friends? You intelligence and open ways of thinking will help you. Though I know it hurts so much--it probably makes you cry to write these things. And our H's sometimes have a hard time with it--either they don't want to know (previous bfs and stuff) or it is just hard to talk to them sometimes.... But you have lots of people you can talk to and you can continue seeing your T, praying, etc. <<<hugs>>>

[TishaBuv]

I was so happy to be someone new. I reinvented myself.

Just like Madonna.