[Techie180]

Im having flashbacks at night with crying spells and also im having vivid dreams about where i am living at and how i am being treated here where i live , and Im mourning my Mom severely never really dealt with it at all.

I feel like i could use EMDR or something to help manage the trauma and intense PTSD .

[MtnTime2896]

Are you currently seeing a T? And if you are, are they a trauma specialist?

[Techie180]

Im having flashbacks about something happened i think it did happen to me about being handled by a male advocate i think i just put it away far away .

it came up as we talked about my trauma in therapy .

[Spangle]

Originally Posted by Techie180

Im having flashbacks about something happened i think it did happen to me about being handled by a male advocate i think i just put it away far away .

it came up as we talked about my trauma in therapy .

You say that you ‘think’ it happened. Listen to your body. It has memories & if you think it happened, it very, very lightly did. It’s natural for us to ‘push it away’ & put it somewhere more manageable. I’m in the process of EMDR again. The first lot of EMDR took away the flashbacks & nightmares & also enabled me to talk a bit about my trauma. The PTSD is still with me & still has a negative impact on me. I’ve just started EMDR again. It is really helpful & would highly recommend it. It’s not easy though!

[Techie180]

this guy said in his office to me i got a message from heaven about you and i want to help ,and then he tried getting me relaxed cause i was restless so he tried to put an oxygen mask on me and steer me a way from a specific corner and he kept counting to 1 through5 and holding me down.

And then i looked over to see my dead Moms shoes 2 inch apart
then i looked over again further to see her body all wasted away laying on her right side.

My PTSD dream im trembling and crying close to it

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Techie180

this guy said in his office to me i got a message from heaven about you and i want to help ,and then he tried getting me relaxed cause i was restless so he tried to put an oxygen mask on me and steer me a way from a specific corner and he kept counting to 1 through5 and holding me down.

And then i looked over to see my dead Moms shoes 2 inch apart
then i looked over again further to see her body all wasted away laying on her right side.

My PTSD dream im trembling and crying close to it

That sounds awful.

[WoundedGirl]

So sorry. I’ve had those kind of horrible flashbacks. Sending huge HUGS

[Techie180]

I cut last night with a scissors and i admitted it to my staff and she made me clean it out while she watched and took my 2 scissors away from me , and she made me call my father while she was there .

I talked with my T about it today and she almost made me go to the hospital when i talked about my cutting and urges to cut also we talked about the dream i had she thinks that it might be connected to my grieving my Mom and self punishing .

[eskielover]

Did something happen years ago when your mom died that kept you from grieving then? I know when my mom died I was the only family she had left except my daughter who lived several states away. Choices my mom made created a trauma situation that I went through trying to protect her when she was dying. I was so angry with her grieving wasn't possible. 12 years later I have never grieved her death & know now I never will realizing & accepting it was what it was & I no longer am angry either. Just let go of everything that happened during that time. I remember at times but it doesn't hold the control from the PTSD like it did for years.

Are you blaming yourself for your mom's death? (is that why you are self-punishing/harming yourself?)

[Techie180]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Did something happen years ago when your mom died that kept you from grieving then? I know when my mom died I was the only family she had left except my daughter who lived several states away. Choices my mom made created a trauma situation that I went through trying to protect her when she was dying. I was so angry with her grieving wasn't possible. 12 years later I have never grieved her death & know now I never will realizing & accepting it was what it was & I no longer am angry either. Just let go of everything that happened during that time. I remember at times but it doesn't hold the control from the PTSD like it did for years.

Are you blaming yourself for your mom's death? (is that why you are self-punishing/harming yourself?)

Thanks for replying and I was in denial so that stopped my grieving also that regrets i never really processed at all, Im not able to let go from it all im to fresh with it meaning i am to emotionally involved still.
and yes i do blame myself part of the reason and many others why I SI and self punish myself .

I feel my body is at fault for everything and i punish my body because of it .

[eskielover]

yes i do blame myself

why do you blame yourself for your mom's death? Is that a rational blame based on TRUTH or just the way your mind wants to see it?

[Techie180]

Originally Posted by eskielover

why do you blame yourself for your mom's death? Is that a rational blame based on TRUTH or just the way your mind wants to see it?

Just could not do it save her so i blame myself for that and its not true that i am to blame its my mind lover matter .

[eskielover]

You need to work on this with your T because it is important issue to work through. Allowing your mind to feed your thoughts with untruths & for you to act on them even when you know it isnt true is VERY UNHEALTHY....

You do realize that denial IS a phase of the grieving process

The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order.

https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
Have you ever had grief counselling to know what is normal for you to be going through? Sounds like you are in the grief phases just on yoyr own time schedule (which is NORMAL)

[Techie180]

Originally Posted by eskielover

You need to work on this with your T because it is important issue to work through. Allowing your mind to feed your thoughts with untruths & for you to act on them even when you know it isnt true is VERY UNHEALTHY....

You do realize that denial IS a phase of the grieving process

https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
Have you ever had grief counselling to know what is normal for you to be going through? Sounds like you are in the grief phases just on yoyr own time schedule (which is NORMAL)

Yea I know but lately my mind has a way of its own ,and i do realize that denial is part of it but i guess never really looked at it that way ,and i have had no grieving counseling at all .

But i know i need to because it just feels so raw still even after 3 yrs or so it makes me ache with heartbreak.I feel so alone in it like i cant trust anyone with it .

[eskielover]

In my mom's case, the hospice care had group grief counseling. It didnt help me because I was so angry at my mom for making bad choices that caused the trauma at the end of her life for me & her though she was unaware of what was really going on when the police were involved at both her house & in the hospital.....but my situation was way more complex than any of their counselors could handle. Have never grieved my mom's death & don't feel the need.....it was just a relief & I do thank her for unknowingly leaving me with a way of learning my bad marriage that she had encouraged me to stay in way too long. It's like that book of my life ended & a new book started.....not just a chapter.

Grieving is so different for each person. I talked a lot about the end of my mom's life with my psychologist. It was very helpful to validate why I was feeling & experiencing her death the way I did. T's are usually very helpful with things like this.....would encourage you to talk about it....it opens up hurt but you can't heal without doing that