so...everyone else thinks so....

my mom has continiously said...i know something happened to you....she keeps going back to the time when i was five and went to florida to visit my father and i came back a "hateful little girl" ..she says that i was one way...and i was never the same since....ok...so i have issues dealing with things for no real reason...i cant stand being still after being intimate...and i cant be intimate for too long or i start to feel things that i cant really explain...that doesnt mean something happened to me....and after i started dating my ex bf he started saying that after three years of being intimate with me on emotional, mental and physical levels he thinks the same thing....he thinks my moms a nutcase..no doubt...but thinks she is right none the less.....i think they are both nutcases and told them to leave me alone on the issue.....i have issues...i have nightmares....doesnt mean something happened to me....nothing happened to me....otherwise i would remember it...even if i didnt remember it....i would have a clue...right....like a nightmare....all my nightmares make sense from the other stuff that happened....and granted i have these overwhelming feelings randomly ...and i hate dealing anything that has to do with myself or my personality and character...honestly ...i am bad person.....i really am.....but anyway....why does my ex bf and my mom both have to agree on that...they arent in my brain...they would see nothing is there....i have memories of pretty much everything else...and if i can remember that than nothing is wrong with me...nothing at all.....they dont know me...know matter how much they think they do.....nothing happened...never did...never will.....and i will never remember it because there is nothing to remember....gesh...sorry everyone ...just had to get that out.

((((((((((inny)))))))

Just wishing you some peace my friend. Take care, be gentle with yourself.....

Jin xoxoxoxoxoxo

i guess my fears only deserve one reply...

thanks jinny ((((((((((((((jinny))))))))))))))))

I have no sage words of advice, but I can relate. About 5 years ago at dinner, my family was discussing a local abuse case and somehow it came up that at one time they thought something had happened to me when I was little, but dismissed it. Of course I was shocked, but since then have realized that over my life that I have exhibited what one might call "symptoms". I do remember pieces of one evening in question, but nothing bad, or traumatic, just odd.

Do I think it's possible for something to have happened and effect you, but you not remember, yes. Can you ever truly get confirmation?? Possibly. I tend to believe that our minds block things out for a reason...to protect us, and when we are ready or able to deal with it, our minds just might let things come to the surface. Even if you never know if something actually happened, you do know how you feel. Your feelings are real....regardless, and should be addressed. I wish you peace, healing, and send gentle hugs.

thanks (((goldi)))

i just wish i knew...i dont want my mind to protect me...im a big girl...ill handle it ...