[inkblot]

My life and my mind are really going crazy right now. I've got so much going on and I really don't have the energy to deal with any of it. I am unemployed right now. To add more to that to think about, part of me is afraid to return to what I previously did. The name of a certain drug manufacturer triggers PTSD in me. It reminds me of my ex and things that happened when we were married. At my last job, I was there nine months before getting laid off. There were several times the name reminded me of what happened and it passed with minimal incedent if at all. But there were a few times when it had much more of an impact on me. Those times I had to fight to keep from crying; I barely managed it. I just wanted to run away from work and never look back until I was okay. For half the day I was in a bad mood, emotional, and hated being there. Finally into the afternoon I was able to start distracting myself better. Things weren't great, but better. I was still bothered. All my coworkers could tell that something was up. I wouldn't talk to anyone about it. There is a great job someone emailed me about to interview for, but my mood lately insists that I am not qualifed. I know that I don't have the education, and my experience is on the medical end, and not psych--or minimally psych. How can I interview for this job (support services coach for severely mentally ill), when I could probably use someone like that myself?! I know that things are always different with me, and it's always easier when working on a problem of another person. Plus, I don't normally practice what I preach (like weight, thinness, eating, healthy habits, etc.) I've been having similar dreams sometimes, and it happened again last night. In the dreams, I have gerbils and guinea pigs. Someone (don't remember who...I think my ex-husband?) would take the gerbils out of their cage and put them in the guinea pig cage. The cage would not be all the enclosed, so they could get out that way, plus gerbils are small enough to easily go through the wires. Then I have gerbils running around everywhere. I know these dreams symbolize how everything is out of control. The cage in the dreams is open, letting everything "loose". I'm getting tired of seeing this dream.

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{Inky}}}}}}}}}}}

I can understand how you would feel like everything is out of control at this point in your life. First some questions about this job you are thinking about: (1) would you enjoy the job, in general (even if there are some things about it that could be challenges for you); (2) do you feel that you could do the job; and (3) would the people doing the hiring consider you to meet their requirements (would they help you with any additional education or training you may need? is the person who suggested that you consider this job someone who has connections and might have something to do with the hiring decision?) - do you feel like you could get this job?

You can still work on your issues. If you are able to work, and working would allow you to get the treatment you need for your issues, then it does not make sense to condemn yourself to being unemployed (or even just exclude yourself from a particular job if it would be a good opportunity for you), just because of these issues that you can work through).

I can see myself in your place so easily. I was lucky enough to marry someone who takes care of me and we have stayed together. It would have been so easy for me to have made other choices and fallen in with someone who would just take advantage of me and abandon me. I don't have a viable career or way to support myself, although lately I've been trying to get into position to move towards having that. I have excluded myself from even considering things that I wanted to do because I thought that my issues would be too much and people would never give me a chance. Recently I have found that there are many people much like me who are doing the things I thought I couldn't do. And it was me who excluded myself (some of the time anyway).

My point is, don't exclude yourself out of fear of your issues. There probably will be times when something bothers or triggers you, but you have the ability to deal with it and to overcome it. While you are unemployed you are forced to focus on just getting by and you are cut off from the resources that could have helped you, and that just makes it harder. But it doesn't have to stay that way. Remember, you are strong, and intelligent, and you have a lot of great insight, and when you get a job then you can go back to therapy and you can get the support that will enable you to overcome the very things that you are worried about now.

Good luck, Inky. I have every confidence in you.

<font color=orange>"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill "</font color=orange>

[alm15]

Hi Inkblot. I can relate completely with how you're feeling. It's hard when our minds "attack" us isn't it. The one thing I thought when I read the position you wrote about was that you are uniquely qualified to help because you will be able to relate to the person you are to help. I hope your mind will quiet and allow you to see your real abilities and qualifications. Doesn't your therapist have any suggestions about being triggered at work? One thing that helps me is to get into the other side of my brain by asking myself my telephone #, birthdate, address, ss#, stuff like that. The other thing my therapist taught me was to tap the side of my left hand near the pinky with my right hand. It's a grounding technique. I hope you can round up all those gerbils! I know it's hard to go back into a situation where you had been triggered before. Good luck! I know you'll find your way! Annie

[nightwalker_sk]

Hi Inky,
I'm new here and so I won't take up much space this time. I am writing to let you know there are others who feel the same way about being in a certain place and having it trigger your bad memories. I still cannot return to my home town yet, after having experienced something that "rocked" my being. I had an encounter with a person/persons whose intent (and soul) was pure evil. Just the thought of it causes me to shut down my emotions. So yes, others do feel that way. I guess it is just our way of trying to cope with the feelings that are stirred when we encounter the reminders of what is at the cause of our pain. I have Bi-Polar II as well and I ALWAYS feel incompentent when I am down. Just don't let yourself believe it. Go for the position.

I wish you peace. SK

B&gt SK

[SS8282]

((((((((((ink)))))))))))ptsd is a hard thing to deal with. As you know, you're not alone in this. Please keep posting and let us help/support you. If only there's a way to replace the bad 'memories' with good ones....