[WickedGypsy13]

I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD three years ago due to extreme emotional abuse from 3 to 20 by my grandfather. I can remember being 3 and 4 years old and being told I was a worthless fat *****, I was never going to be anything in life, I could never do anything right, and I would only be good to a man as a *****. Needless to say with that along with my children's father's emotional abused, and an absent father who only came around to tell me how horrible my mother was and to babysit his new kids I am pretty messed up emotionally. Four years ago I found out that my daughter had been sexually assaulted by two family members for over 5 years and a year later it came out that both of my step daughters were sexually assaulted by their uncle. Then on top of it all my husband passed away suddenly 18 months ago in my arms and that has had an extreme impact on me emotionally. I have pushed everyone in my life away and isolate myself. I have no personal relationships with friends and family anymore. They all keep their distances because I'm too miserable for them to deal with. I feel like I'm on a constant emotional roller coaster. I get triggered by the smallest things anymore. I feel like I'm insane. The anxiety is so bad that I rarely leave my house. Then a year ago I was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer that completely turned my world upside down. I feel like a failure, I'm so depressed and angry that I can't make it through one day without wanting to die. I have no support from friends or family. I gave up on professional help after 4 different GPs, an emergency room doctor, and two mental health professionals told me to use Niacin, aromatherapy, and essential oils to help and I needed to naturally grieve. I go into massive anxiety attacks if I have to go to the doctor so I stopped going because there's always some new health problem or no help at all. And lately things have been worse because my daughter will be moving out in the fall to start her life as an adult. I understand that kids have to grow up and move out but I feel like I'm losing everyone in my life. I haven't told her I feel this way because I don't think its my right to make her feel like she can't have her own life. It's just a constant roller coaster of chaotic emotions and I am having a hard time dealing with it all.

[Junerain]

Since you are opposed to therapy, why not try a support group? I am the peer leader of a support group, and the understanding, support, friendship, and love that I have found there is amazing! I recommend two different national support groups: https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/NAMI-Programs and https://secure2.convio.net/dabsa/sit...e=peer_landing Thinking about you, I care!

[Deejay14]

The ptsd rollercoaster is exhausting. Please find it I yourself to find a psychiatrist who can help you. I would not be here to write this if it weren't for him. My treatment has been a true collaboration over 15 years. I had a depression that got triggered off every time my ptsd got activated, so two severe problems at one time all the time with countless psych admissions. At least three or four a year. I now can't remember the last time I was in the hospital and I don't expect that will happen anymore. I still see him every three months the and we are now cutting down on medication significantly.

I know it's hard but find someone you can connect with who is willing to collaborate. I trust my doc but that does not mean that I blindly do what he says. I question, ask for his rationale for his ideas and we come to an agreement together. He also listens to my ideas and asks for my rationale; a real two way street. Please try your best. Life can get better. I am living proof. Still to this day my family who is close and supportive in many other ways just don't get tbis. I share almost nothing g about my ptsd and depression because it was like having my head on a wall. I don't fault them. I do tell my husband when I get "crazy head"( my term), but I
am now feeling safe and no need to go inpatient and my doc trusts that.

The roller coaster ride are so much shorter now and much less frightening.
You can do this. Please feel free to pm me if it helps.

[Open Eyes]

(((WickedGypsy))) welcome to PC and the PTSD forum. Sorry you are struggling so much other members that visit this forum can relate to struggling with the rollercoaster symptoms of PTSD/complex PTSD. You have had a lot of exposure to very toxic individuals and toxic situations that frightened you and you had no life skills to know how to handle any of these toxic situations or toxic people.

The fact that you experienced your husband passing in such a traumatic way was a huge trauma for you to experience and most likely you developed PTSD from that experience and with all the other challenges you have been dealing with, it's no wonder you get so overwhelmed with these crippling ptsd symptoms.

It "is" important that you seek help for your health challenges, it's understandable that this is hard when you factor in the ptsd and how that makes it hard to function and do things, especially when it comes to interacting with others. However, you can ease that challenge by informing doctors that you struggle with ptsd and it can get crippling.

Finding a "trauma specialist" that you can spend time with will help you establish a relationship with someone who understands trauma and the challenging symptoms and a good trauma specialist can help you slowly gain on grounding yourself and understanding how to help yourself and slowly grieve all this trauma and confusion you are experiencing. You can't change anything you have lived through, but, you can learn how to grieve it all, and slowly regain your sense of self despite all of this trauma in your history. Also, a good trauma specialist will be able to help you feel safe and provide you with a much needed witness and "safe" presence that you clearly don't have in your life and you really need to have right now.

(((Caring Hugs)))