[SweetCrusader]

Hi Everyone, I know this is a long post, but please read and help if you can....

I've never posted in PTSD before, but I decided to venture out of my "survivors of abuse," "creative corner," and "self-injury" hiding places.

I'm pretty sure I don't have flashbacks, but I do get triggered and experience similar feelings to when I was a child. For instance, earlier this summer, I saw a kid get hit and it happened in the very same room that I used to get hit in. I felt all the feelings I used to feel back then, and I felt like a helpless child. I didn't have a flashback in which I was actually literally reliving the experience of being hit, but I did have the same emotional response. That kept me VERY jumpy for a quite a while after, because I had suppressed a LOT of those feelings for a long time, so when they resurfaced, I didn't know how to deal with them. Especially the fear. I ended up cutting myself after two years with no si. When I went into therapy the next time, I was talking to my T about the experience of getting hit and suddenly in my mind I saw her get up and come over and start hurting me, just like my dad did. I did NOT know this time that it wasn't real. When it ended and I realized she was still in her chair and I had not been hit, I was totally confused and very embarassed!

I also have been dealing with being neglected. Those feelings have been coming up in the past few weeks. When this happens, I have feelings as though I was still a little girl and I cry for my mom. Again, though, I'm fully aware that I am not actually a little girl. I know where I am and what is really going on, but I feel emotionally like I did back then.

I dissociate like crazy. Difficult feelings often get shut off before I even realize I'm doing it again. I haven't gained the ability to stay grounded, nor am I able to follow certain feelings at will- no matter how much I try. I just go numb.

I still experience a LOT of childhood feelings that have been suppressed for years, or have found other expressions. I've been getting closer to working on my childhood neglect and abuse, but I have a long way to go. I still feel guilty even saying that I was abused or neglected. And I feel VERY ashamed talking about being neglected. I feel like it was my fault because I'm not good enough and not lovable. It's also very embarassing to me to talk about what things were like in our home. We kept a lot of secrets very well, and it's hard for me to expose them all now, no matter how much trust I gain in my T over time.

In terms of body memories, I'm not sure I understand what those are. I know that survivors of abuse tend to have certain physical ailments in common. One of those is frequent stomach aches. I have had stomach problems from the time I was a small child. Doctors have had a lot of trouble finding anything actually wrong with me, and some thought I was faking. All I knew was that I could hardly digest anything and would spit up after most meals. Finally, I was recently diagnosed with acid reflux disorder and it was discovered that I have a severely erroded and ulcerated esophagus. I think it probably has a LOT to do with being neglected as a kid, because our house was filthy and our food was... well, scary. Our kitchen was just disgusting. And it probably has to do with living in an abusive and hostile home as well, being afraid a lot and feeling helpless and trapped and alone. All of those feelings stir in my stomach and make me feel ill. Do you think my stomach problems are a body memory? For those of you who have experienced body memories, if you don't mind, would you share your experiences?

I think I've rambled on enough now. Sorry this post is so long. I can't say anymore anyway, because now I'm feeling guilty, sad, and sick.

Angela (SC)

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[mandala]

SC,

I wanted to respond to your post before I got to bed, but if I totally misconstrue something, please forgive me, I am half asleep already... very long day.

It sounds like you are trying to get a grasp on what fb's and body memories "are". For me, without a lot of reading and self education, I simply didn't realize that stuff I experienced even fit into those categories. I thought that either 1) everyone had these experiences and feelings 2) I was just bad or weird.

I did a lot of reality testing... mostly on line at first... posting about what I experienced and getting feedback. I sort of pieced together stuff, became more aware of triggers, etc. An ongoing process.

Well, I hope this is an ok response... going to crawl off to bed now. I will check back in the am.

Have a peaceful night. M

[wisewoman]

I don't know about your reflux being a body memory . For me I get cramps or a feeling in the bacl of my neck. Sometimes My body is on a different place all together then my mind. Keep working. You'll identify the body memories. I get the cramps when we speak of one abuser. The neck stuff is more complicated.. Good luck.

[mandala]

I think there is a difference between a body memory and a physical ailment, although sometimes they overlap.

The most common body memories I have are of sexual things... I'll be some place or with someone and I get the sensation of being abused sexually. (It took me years to realize that this what was going on, it was hard to even admit I was having sensations in "those" places, etc)

As I began to understand triggers I realized these sensations were more likely to arise if I was feeling uncomfortable socially, or vulnerable, or threatened in some way.

On the other hand, I had chronic tummy aches as a kid... always in the nurse's office at school, etc. I think that those were just an ongoing effect of abuse... living in constant fear and hypervigilance... it's bound to have an impact on the body.

I think constant stress could lead to reflux, which would lead to medical problems like you describe.

Hope this makes sense. M

[Butterfly_Faerie]

SweetCrusaders.

Body memories is a type of flashback. I didn't know it at the time, but that's what it exactly is. I never suffered flashbacks in the form of like a movie being played over and over again in front of my eyes or in my head. My body was the only thing that felt it. I'd freeze for no reason, and get triggered out of the blue and I never understood it until recently when I brought it up to my psychiatrist awhile ago.

I reccomend a book to you that my psychiatrist said for me to purchase and I did it's called: Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment
Author: Babette Rothschild

It is a fantastic books and deal with body memories, it has helped me out so much to better understand what my body was goung through. That's all my flashbacks ever were and still are, body memories, so I can relate to how you are feeling really well.

Here is a defination of what a body memory is.

Body Memories:-

Memories can remain stored in our bodies in sensations, feelings, and physical responses. Even if we do not know what took place, fragments of what we suffered endure. You may be assailed by un explained physical pain or arousal, fear, confusion or any other sensory aspect of the abuse. You may physically reexperience the terror, your body may clutch tight, or you may feel that you are suffocating and cannot breathe.

Often a touch, sound, smell, a certain phrase, a spoken word, a tone of a voice, a picture, a gathering, use of alcohol & drugs, a massage, or even a written word will trigger memories.

Sometimes memories come when you are feeling safe and on the other hand difficult or painful times may precede remembering.

Also memories will come when the abused child becomes a parent and their own children are at the age they were, when the abuse took place.

Not everyone will know when a memory is going to start, but a lot of us do get warnings. It could be a certain series of feelings, that might clue you in. you may have frightening dreams, sleep poorly, stomach may get tight, scared, angry, sad, fearful, and anxiety might set in. And sometimes instead you may of been subject to an environment of inappropriate boundaries, lewd looks, sexually suggestive behavior, or emotional incest.

Sometimes you feel emotionally detached, when you remember with feeling, the helplessness, terror, physical pain, and day or night mares. You may feel you are being ripped open, crushed, suffocating, and nauseous. Sexual arousal may also accompany your memories, this may horrify you, but arousal is a natural response to sexual stimulation.

The more you heal, the more you see the memories are literally stored in our bodies, and they want to get out.

You may not want memories and indeed may feel it is not worth it , but otherwise we are going to carry the memories around with us for ever!!!

Your first allegiance must be to yourself.

Deal with things when you want to and you are ready.

Honor your own strength and feelings.

Do this only for yourself.

Use grounding exercise.

Physical exercises.

Reach out and contact one other person.

Breathe and listen to comforting relaxation music. etc.........

This is the website I got it from: http://images.amazon.com/images/P/0393703274.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

<font color=red>~</font color=red><font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=green>u</font color=green><font color=blue>n</font color=blue><font color=green>d</font color=green><font color=blue>a</font color=blue><font color=green>n</font color=green><font color=blue>c</font color=blue><font color=green>e</font color=green><font color=red>~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[SweetCrusader]

thanks you guys!!! ((((hugs all around)))))

that helps a lot

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[(JD)]

There's a very interesting book Your Body Believes Every Word You Say. It isn't about PTSD or body memories but it is about how what we say and think becomes manifested by our bodies.

The good news is how we can make it work for our good by positive thoughts and actions.

It shows how powerful and magnificent the mind is... nothing mystical about this... not too deeply scientific either. It's a good read.

I posted this here because it shows that anything can be made into a body memory if that is what is needed...

[Butterfly_Faerie]

What is the author of that book, do you remember?

<font color=red>~</font color=red><font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=green>u</font color=green><font color=blue>n</font color=blue><font color=green>d</font color=green><font color=blue>a</font color=blue><font color=green>n</font color=green><font color=blue>c</font color=blue><font color=green>e</font color=green><font color=red>~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[gloria]

It's good that you mentioned that. There is a theory in regards to programing your body with good signs. Here is one simple method, it is call anchoring:

When ever you feel at your best choose a physical manerism to repeat every time. For example, when ever you feel great, grab your wrist as if you were turning a bracelet. Do this enough times ( or any other manerism that works for you ) until it almost becomes natural, except that, even over time it will become an unconsious physical manerism, it is indeed a manerism that you very consously created, and can use for when you are down. What happens is that your body will get the signal of when you are at your best and, well, it will influence you in a positive way... Just food for thought guys. I've used it and it helps, not 100% but it does.

gab