[Rio_]

...sometimes I'd like to. My flatmate asked me what primary school I went to today (I thought she already knew), and we ended up having a conversation about the "event"...I managed to answer her questions calmly enough, but my hands were shaking - I'm glad she didn't notice. It's happened a few times before, too, with different people...I thought coming here would mean I could get away from it! But there's no escape, it's going to follow me wherever I go.

The conversation did make me realise how little I remember, though. She was asking how my parents reacted, how I reacted - I can't remember! Is this normal? I guess it has been 11 years...

Ugh...it's times like this I just want to curl up in bed and howl, but I'm too afraid. And even now, I still can't get it out of my head that I should be fine!

[Perna]

Ah, but look how far you've come! You wouldn't have been able to talk about it at all, much less "calmly enough" before now! We have to get the poison out. It's okay that you don't remember the details anymore, things are fading a bit (but you might be starting to be afraid of remembering rather than what you remember! Watch out for that; fear of fear is not fun to get over, been there, doing that, and I'm "only" 57 :-)

I think you're doing well. You can pass for "normal" in the real world :-) But yes, the experience will follow you, is part of your life. You can't un-live that. But, hopefully, it will bother you less and less as you get older and older and live through other scary things and realize you're living through them okay, they're just "scary". Scary won't hurt you, it's just unpleasant.

[Perna]

Another thought I had that might help you, Rio. Think of the "distance" of when something bad happened. When you're an eight year old, anything different happening is 1/8th "power". Now, things are 1/19th power (I forget if you're 18 or 19 :-) As you get older they'll only be 1/57th power (things that happened to me when I was a child), etc. They get weaker because you've lived longer and experienced more and gotten "smarter" about how life works, etc. So each event holds less power because there have been more events, both good and bad, for them to "compete" with but also for them to "teach" you that it's all okay, you'll survive.

[(JD)]

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I still can't get it out of my head that I should be fine

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Who told you that???



Should statements are generally not good self care statements. Please take good care of yourself.

[Rio_]

Thanks, Perna. I hadn't thought about it like that - to me, it just feels like things are getting worse - but you're probably right...I used to be too scared to talk about it to anyone, because I thought I was just doing it for the attention. Good to know it's ok I don't remember much any more, I've been a bit worried about why I don't remember, just in case anything important happened. But I don't think that's too likely - I hope not, anyway!

Thanks. I wish it didn't have to follow me, though...most people get a choice about whether they share their trauma, but with me (and not just with me - one of the other people here who went to my school has had the same problem, and it may be happening to the rest of us), a question as simple and seemingly innocent as "where are you from?" can start a conversation about it. I hope you're right about it bothering me less when I get older. I still don't remember it bothering me this much when I was younger!

[Rio_]

Should have replied to this in my first reply, but never mind! Thanks again, Perna. That's a good way of looking at things, again it's not something I'd thought of before! (And I'm 18, by the way, but don't worry about not remembering. )

[Rio_]

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_Sky said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I still can't get it out of my head that I should be fine

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Who told you that???



Should statements are generally not good self care statements. Please take good care of yourself.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks, Sky. It's something I used to tell myself a lot, and still find myself doing sometimes. I don't think I ever got told it directly, but when I was about 10 I remember two girls in my year getting told off for crying at one of the anniversary assemblies - the teacher pointed at the year below (the year affected), and told the girls that if that year was fine, then they should be too. It seems to have stuck with me.

[Fluttter]

Hi Rio,

I don't know the circumstances surrounding your trauma, but when people ask you a question try answering as simply as possibly without going into the trauma. If someone asks you what school you went to then give them the short answer (such as the name) and move on. Perhaps ask them about their school or something to get your mind off of your trauma.

Again, I don't know your situation but it might be easier if you can learn to change the subject instead of going deep into your trauma and being triggered.

Take good care of yourself.

[Rio_]

Thanks, Flutter. Unfortunately, what happened at my school got a lot of media attention at the time, so sometimes just the name of the town is enough for people to start asking questions, let alone the name of the school! Thanks for the suggestions, though, I'll see if I can try them next time.

[Perna]

Fear doesn't have to have a memory attached I don't think. There's the phrase, "scared witless". Just being extremely scared can be a feeling in itself that will stick with you; that's what PTSD does.

Summer before last my husband and I were camping and sat on the same side of a picnic table that was one piece, all attached? We're both obese so it went over backwards and, to make matters worse, we were under the recreational vehicle (RV) awning so next to the RV and we both smacked our heads on the RV as we went over backwards and then were dazed and tangled in the table with no one but ourselves to get us out. I remember being frightened something might have happened to Scott and knocked him out, etc. I remember feeling intense anger because I hate the physical feeling of being out of control (you will fall and go boom whether you like it or not! :-) but I noticed this summer, camping that we are overly careful sitting down anywhere and out walking around campgrounds when I see a picnic table, doesn't matter if it's empty even, in the position ours had been, I get anxious. . . My life wasn't threatened, it was just a bit of a physical fall, a little bruising, etc.

Something truly serious such as you went through much younger would probably be exponentially larger but there wouldn't have to be much "substance" to the chaos, could just have been your childish "thoughts" on what was wrong and impressions of how things were, etc. and though you don't remember the exact thoughts anything that "reminds" you of that feeling, starts to feel that way (mention of your school) could set you off again.