[TheBlueQueen]

For the past month or so, I've been experiencing complete breaks from reality so scary that it takes everything in my power to bring myself out of them. This is not something that has happened to me on this level before aside from flashbacks with some sort of trigger that I could identify and I would always have at least one foot rooted in reality. Once I come out of the break, I then I have to deal with a panic attack (severe) and have to fight the urge for the cycle to repeat itself... not a pleasant experience. The following are a few examples of some of the breaks I've been going through. All have been reported to my therapist and p-doc.

The first of these happened while I was on one of my nightly walks. No identifiable trigger with this one (no flashback prewarning either), but suddenly I was sucked into a reality break in which I was being attacked by several males and I was fighting back. Apparently, this went on while I was walking.... I walked several blocks, had crossed a street even, and I had no idea I had done so. I finally came out of this state and it felt like I was clawing my way out of a deep pool towards the surface of reality. The break was so real in that I could feel their hands on me, I could smell their scent, etc. It was difficult to come out of this, but I made it out and then had to nurse one hell of a panic attack thereafter alone on the street.

The second reality break (no trigger, no flashback) incident happened on another one of my evening walks. I had become a nineteen-year-old female who was highly intoxicated and trying to hide from the police so I wouldn't get caught after hours in the park. The problem is that I had climbed over the safety fence and was dangling precariously over the bluffside of the park. I then lost my grip and fell to my death. Before impact, I came out of the reality break and found myself on my knees on the sidewalk in tears and shaking with an instant panic attack. I had apparently walked a few blocks while this one went on too.

Just last night I was sitting in my home watching television (a light comedy at that) and I began to hear pounding on my door with a shouting of a familiar voice that I thought I would never hear again. "I know you're in there!" the voice kept saying and the pounding kept persisting. I was convinced Jim finally found me and was going to finish the job of shooting me that he couldn't do the first time around when the cops intervened. The pounding was louder, his voice was taunting, I kept trying to pull myself out of this hell. I saw his face in the window and he started knocking on the back door and tapping there. My hand went several times to the phone to dial 911, but my rational side kept fighting back saying he is not really there. I'm not sure how much time passed, but it seemed like forever. Finally, I banished his jeering ghost and nursed the panic attack, but I just couldn't stop crying. My husband came home from work to find me a balled up mess cowering in a corner holding the phone.

Like I said, these are just a sampling of some of what has been going on. Some happen outside, some in my home... the only common factor is all happen when I'm alone. I've already spoken to my therapist about it and my p-doc has also been informed. I just find this extremely alarming and I feel like I am losing control here when I have fought so hard this long to try to gain control.

[Perna]

Do you live with others or work/have much contact with others, etc.?

Being alone can do scary things as we don't "have to" function. I was always amazed at how I'd "fall apart" when my husband was asleep or away and I could be reasonably sure I'd be alone, even if he was just in the other room and working on his computer and since he's not an intrusive kind I'd find myself crying hard or otherwise somewhere "else" and was always grateful I was able to get my act togther before he wandered in or needed me, etc.

Your unconscious is in control and obviously there are things you need to get out/work on? If it is so uncomfortable to you I would put "boundaries" around it; have someone call/check on you at a certain time every night or between times, etc. Hopefully your T and/or PDoc will have suggestions ideas that will help too. I would either face the "episodes" and look at them as if they were dreams or "contain" them somewhat in situations where you are with others and they probably won't show up then. But I don't think you can "get rid of" them without working through whatever is causing them. That's coming from you and your experience, not the "outside"/random. I lived every waking hour of mine for 10-15+ years in a fantasy world that was upsetting but, despite it not being anything like my actual reality, all the people/symbols/actions were based on what I wanted/needed at the time. If it is flashbacks, talk about them, if it is wholly made up look at it like you would dreams; there is little different between day dreams and night dreams. I use to have a lot of bad dreams at night so I could function during the day; if you're not attending to night dreams/mares then they have to come out some time and looks like yours have picked when you are awake to let you know "hey, you have a problem!" :-) Hope you get some help soon.

[dalila]

<font color="green">Would having a dog around help you to keep grounded? There have been times when one of my corgis has jumped into my lap and sort of woke me up from a flashback. A warm furry body and wet tongue washing away tears can work wonders.</font>

[TheBlueQueen]

Perna:
I am married and live with my husband. I have daily contact with my upstairs neighbors who happen to be long-time friends of ours, so I do get quite a bit of contact. My nightly walks began several months ago as my own brand of therapy to fight back against my agoraphobia because I got tired of being a prisoner of it. The first week or two was shakey as expected, but after that I was walking twice a night for thirty minutes alone with no problems. It wasn't until this past month that these episodes began without warning. Now, I am forced to wait until either my husband or one of the neighbors are available to accompany on my walks and am trying not to look at it as a sign of defeat... just as a temporary down.

dalila:
I'm not allowed to have dogs where I live, but I do have two cats who sometimes do a good job of keeping me grounded. However, these recent episodes have been pretty strong that even their feline grace can't seem to assist me. Nonetheless, I do notice they are never far when an episode happens while I am in my home as if they know I need them.

After speaking with my pdoc yesterday, he has made an adjustment to my medication array in the hopes to alleviate these episodes. He believes this is just part of the territory of PTSD clashing swords with my BPD along with an anniversary date of a trauma coming up as well. I have no reason to doubt him as I trust my pdoc and he has yet to steer me in the wrong direction... the man has truly been helpful. I also see my therapist on Tuesday, so I will get the chance to talk out the most recent episode about Jim.

[(JD)]

Those can surely be frightening. I am unsure why you hesistate to call them what imo they are: flashbacks.

Are you in therapy? If so, you and your T might be covering too much ground too fast. Sometimes slower is faster in this respect. Or, if you have changed things in your life, or are in the process, this might be causing the flash backs. Once again, realization that they are occurring is good, and if you can slow the other parts of your life and thought processes, they should lessen some.

You can get a therapy animal that is allowed by law, and a service dog is not a pet, and is allowed no matter what the landlords/hoa say. Please contact a service animal organization that services your area and speak to them (or email through their website.) Companion animals, emotional support animals (includes bunnies and the like too) are becoming more and more the norm, rather than the exception. I agree something of this nature might help keep you grounded, but you would have to keep the leash attached to you, in case you still flashbacked.

[TheBlueQueen]

The reason why I do not call these flashbacks is because they have absolutely nothing to do with any of the numerous traumas I have faced throughout my life with the exception of the one that deals with Jim. That one of course is obvious and is the only exception while the others have absolutely no rhyme or reason to them at all, originating from complete terrifying fantasy or, in the case of the nineteen-year-old girl, based on overhearing a glimmer of reality (local news blurb).

My therapist has been quite careful regarding treading the ground of my traumas and trying to focus on the rage aspect as a whole instead of the traumas and the fear individually. He has been cautious to move slowly with me as I literally have decades of repeated traumas to work through and has been very good about listening to me when I believe I need to pull back some. As far as therapists go, I have to say I consider myself quite fortunate to be working with him as he actually seems to be helping me make some headway... something no other therapist has been able to do at all.

I should look into the service animal information, especially since my landlord has been griping about my having two cats. I would imagine that felines would probably be included as well or at least I would hope they would be as my "boys" have gone above and beyond the call of duty to keep me calm more times than I can count.

[Kiya]

hi - I am slightly hesitant to write - i am afraid of being scorned for experiences/beliefs - but it may help.

*sigh*... ok.. you said one was a local news blurb - people dealing with "stuff", as we are, are often more "open" to other stuff because of all the traumas.

I have had some of those same things where suddenly a new "reality" came into play right over my actual one. I had been a disaster worker after hurricane katrina and you can bet i picked up some added ptsd from that.

one of the "realities" was that while the real me was eating christmas dinner with my family, there was a skeleton me who was furious that people would eat in front of me when i was dead and couldn't! I had to physically leave the table from feeling so angry and ill and seeing this skeleton self/imposed other person who was not me in my space.

I have only told one person about that because I though i'd be deemed nuts.

i know it was a direct result of the ptsd from hurricane katrina - i could even see the house that this "woman" had come from - one i had passed on my feeding route - that was in complete shambles.

The experience was horrifically firghtening (this other reality superimposed on me) because no one else could see it or knew what was going on. i didn't even know what was going on - it was unlike any flashback or panic attack i had ever had. And like you, i had a terrible panic attack right after it. it took several weeks to deal with it and more to really get over it.

That is not the only one I have had where reality shifted and I was the only one it included. Once was on a bus and everything shifted. Then the bus went thr wrong way and I asked why - I was told that instead of the 19, it was 36. I got off and when I looked at it, it said #8 on it. I was so very confused and had to walk 7 or 8 blocks to get the one i needed.

I do hope you're alright and that you will be able to have something that lessens them. If i can remember how they were lessened for me, I will let you know if you'd like. You may think me totally nuts by now and just delete this. EIther way is fine. it is hard to believe, after all.
Sincerely,
Kiya

[TheBlueQueen]

Kiya, I don't think you are totally nuts and I thank you for sharing your experiences with me. What you described pretty much fit some of the things I had been experiencing myself here and there, so I found it very helpful to know that I am not alone in this if that makes any sense. I am sorry that you did have to go through them, however, as I know how frightening they are. *hugs*

The adjustment to the dosage in my medication that my pdoc made seems to be helping a great deal with these reality breaks even though it is really puzzling as to just HOW it is working. I suppose that is really irrelevant as long as it works and I am quite glad it is bringing some sort of relief right now.

[BalishBun]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this, Its sounds beyond traumatic and i can only hope that these moments lessen over time.