[wisewoman]

I have ptsd from childhood abuse/neglect. I am having work issues, not with my office but the state that oversees us. They are acting the way the people who abused me did. I never know what I do will make them mad and I'll get in deep trouble. I never know if I am doing the right thing. It is impossible to fly under the radar so I don't get hurt. I try so hard to be good and do a good job and be safe and there is no safety to be had, it's arbitrary. And then I have been not thinking well, can't add basic math, can't do simple tasks, can't remember anything. So I am doing my job worse then usual. I hate it. I know it's all snagging on the old stuff but I can't seem to really break through it and deal with each one independently. I also think I am depressed. meds need changing? Stressed maybe, I don't know, see the doc on Tues.

[(JD)]

(((wise))) yes I was thinking the stress is adding to your poorer job performance... and then that adds to your stress... it's a vicious cycle.

Glad to see you see your doc on Tues. I hope you can search out exactly what attitude you have towards/for work and see if there IS something you can change... if nothing else, you should be able to have some comfort from your doc of how other people act this way, and may not realize at all how it is affecting you: they are so busy with themselves!

If someone does say something about you doing your job worse, then say something back like, yes, but it's just a phase I've fallen into and it will pass soon... maybe that will take their focus off you? Is there a buffer within your office that can alleviate some of the contact with those who are getting to you?

I don't know how you do it: work under these conditions. Even if you are overreacting, or not fully recognizing the real scenario, it's a terrible feeling to be triggered so! I am unable to work at all due to my PTSD... from my injury and the way the "superiors" did NOT act on my behalf! Unable to work. So you are doing way far better than I am... and I hope you can work through this quickly.

[wisewoman]

There is no easy fix, just the hope that I get below radar soon. We are having an interview on the 21st to go over their file audit. I can't even add! I am yes, in that vicious cycle. I have been out of percoset for a few days for my back and have been reluctant to call for more as I don't want them to think I am a druggie. So I am taking advil and Tylenol and stayed mostly in bed today. My friend wanted me to take my daughter 1 1/2 hours north to see kiddo at hospital and when I called mom at hospital kiddo was sleeping. A lot of tests yesterday and significant bleeding. Don't like the way the narcotics make me feel so I am wondering about trying others? Stress makes my muscles tighten and it hurts more. I took a flexeril earlier and it helped. However I have to get up early and drive 4 1/2 hours to where son lives to give him my van and bring his car back so we can fix it for him. Can't take anymore flexeril or it might make me sleepy tomorrow and I am 10 hours on the road. The ptsd stuff does feel like the state is abusing me. I can't shake it. Long story but basically everyone is listening to every word I say and twisting it so it makes me seem bad. My female parent did that. Sorry to ramble, just thinking about a lot. thanks for your support. I see you getting it and it helps. My T gave me home work to think of at least one smiley thing a day. Today would have been the look of about 50 pounds of raw mohair going off to be processed. We dumped it in a sheet and tied it up. That's a lot of mohair. Second would be the smile on my girl's face when she came up to kiss me goodbye and I told her she was so beautiful and she said she gets it from us. So sweet. Gone to an overnight party. Other girl at haunted house with mail friend. Hubby watching a moving and me lying in bed with a computer in my lap. I feel anxious about all of this and thanks for giving me a place to let it out.

[silver_queen]

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I never know what I do will make them mad and I'll get in deep trouble. I never know if I am doing the right thing.

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I'm like that with my dad as well. I'm sometimes afraid of telling him even good things, because I'm afraid of his reaction if he gets angry at it. And I dread telling him if something bad happened...even if say I got a bad mark, or even worse, a bad grade in an exam.

Should this not happen, then?

(Sorry to hijack your thread, ww.)

[wisewoman]

Hey Silver, I am learning that for me it's about not giving away my personal power. The parents can't take my power anymore and they are way to old to hurt me. I can stop trying to please them. It isn't going to happen. So the choices are I can be true yo myself and have no contact or I can be true to myself and have contact with very strong boundaries. It's more difficult when you are younger. It took ne a long time to figure this out. Hope this helps.

[(JD)]

yes, everyone has a rule book... we don't have to live with someone elses rules.