therapy continues...

I'm continuing with both my couples and individual therapy. Had to take a break from couples last week because the previous couples session was too intense and horrible. But we did well in couples this week and are back on track.

Today I had an individual session. I always love them, and would go every week for individual if I could, but couples plus individual each week is too much money right now. So today I declined an individual session for next week. Wow, never thought I would ever be saying that! But the important work is in couples right now, and I am doing OK on my own.

It was interesting today when T and I talked about how some therapists won't work both with a couple and individually with one (or both) of the partners. Or similarly, won't do therapy with different subsets of families (such as a mom and a child both individually and together). He talked about why his therapeutic orientation--humanistic and family systems--allows him to do that. His training has equipped him to work with the client's Self whether the client shows up individually or with another person. And if there is more than one person, he can work with both. He understands so much more about my relationship now that he is working with my spouse too, and that makes things a lot easier for us (a picture is worth a thousand words). He talked about the theory of the therapeutic relationship in Freudian psychoanalysis (transference, etc.) and why this orientation has a hard time accommodating a systems approach. It was interesting and one of the more "psychological" conversations we've had.

We discussed the risk in taking an individual therapy relationship into couples or family therapy. The risk is that the bond between the T and client will be broken or harmed, that the new client in the room will somehow come between the T and the original client, or that the original client will feel ignored or not important anymore, and trust will be lost. He is trained in not letting this happen, but it is a risk nonetheless. He warned me of this risk before we began couples. I told him that was partly why it took me so long to want to do couples with him--that it took months to build our relationship and trust. But when I trusted him enough, I was ready, and I knew our bond would endure. (It has been awesome to watch T in action in couples, and how he can work with each of us and also establish a brand new bond with my husband.) So today T had wanted to check in with me to make sure I was not feeling like our bond was suffering because of the couples therapy. I am not having a problem with it and feel as close as ever to him. Last week in individual, I was able to tell him things he was doing in couples that were not working for me, and he was very receptive to this and said this is exactly the sort of thing we need to discuss to make sure our bond is not harmed.

Anyway, it was a good session, and even couples was good earlier this week--very nuts and bolts but productive. I am learning to work better with my husband as we uncouple. T says sometimes it can be poignant when divorcing couples learn to communicate better, because then they may feel regretful, like why didn't we do this before? But I am not feeling regretful--just glad to be talking better together because it will make the whole process easier.

Maybe one of my favorite things from the session is T alluded to the work we could/would do after the divorce. I love to hear him mention the future like this. He really can help me with a lot, to rebuild my life. Just hearing him mention that gave me hope that there will be an "after" and that I would survive this. It is so important to have hope. As people have mentioned in their posts before, sometimes it is these seemingly insignificant little moments and utterances in therapy that affect the client most. I am very eager to get on to rebuilding, with T's help, but have to finish up the other thing first.

Oh, and T wore glasses to both sessions this week! First time for that. At one point today he said "you're so cute" when I said something he found amusing (but which I didn't intend to be, lol). I love it when he says that. It makes me feel really close to him.

I know this is too long, so if you made it to the very end, thanks!!

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sunrise said:
But we did well in couples this week and are back on track.

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That is great news Sunrise!

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sunrise said:
So today I declined an individual session for next week. Wow, never thought I would ever be saying that! But the important work is in couples right now, and I am doing OK on my own.

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That is great progress declining a session. I'm so not there yet. I also had my session today. It was too short of course

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sunrise said:
It was interesting today when T and I talked about how some therapists won't work both with a couple and individually with one (or both) of the partners. Or similarly, won't do therapy with different subsets of families (such as a mom and a child both individually and together). He talked about why his therapeutic orientation--humanistic and family systems--allows him to do that.

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Is that the only orientation that allows him to do both? My therapist does both and he's CBT but will mix it up depending on the clients needs.

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sunrise said:
We discussed the risk in taking an individual therapy relationship into couples or family therapy. The risk is that the bond between the T and client will be broken or harmed, that the new client in the room will somehow come between the T and the original client, or that the original client will feel ignored or not important anymore, and trust will be lost.

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I can see the risk. In fact, he's right because I kind of felt like my therapist and I were losing the bond a little bit. I think I even said to him once 'you'll like him better than me everyone does and thinks I'm the problem'...something like that. Wow how childish was that behavior from me? Just remembering that is kind of embarrassing.

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sunrise said:
Anyway, it was a good session, and even couples was good earlier this week--very nuts and bolts but productive. I am learning to work better with my husband as we uncouple.

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This is good and will be good for you and the whole family.

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sunrise said:
As people have mentioned in their posts before, sometimes it is these seemingly insignificant little moments and utterances in therapy that affect the client most.

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I agree 100%. I love these moments too. I remember every one of them.

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sunrise said:
At one point today he said "you're so cute" when I said something he found amusing (but which I didn't intend to be, lol). I love it when he says that. It makes me feel really close to him.

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Yeah!! I'm glad he said that to you. Sounds like all went well then so that is awesome news.

I'm glad you got both therapies back of track. Sounds like a wonderful experience having your T for both individual and couples and being able to look forward to after the couples therapy and divorce.

Sunrise, what a really good session!

I'm proud of you Sunny. Sounds like you guys have really connected. Ahh, the glasses. I miss when my T wore his.

Thanks almedafan, perna, and pinksoil.

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almeda24fan said:
Is that the only orientation that allows him to do both? My therapist does both and he's CBT but will mix it up depending on the clients needs.

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No, I don't think his orientation is the only one. His orientation is just one that allows him to do it--the only other contrasting example he gave was psychoanalytical. Like your T, mine is eclectic, mixing and matching approaches depending on the client's needs.

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Sounds like you guys have really connected.

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It's true. I do feel so connected and attached and just really secure with my T. I feel comfortable with our intimacy and am not scared of it now. I used to be scared and do the push-pull thing, and throw up resistance here and there, but I have come to embrace our attachment and feel like it is really healthy for me, not unhealthy at all. I have talked once with T before about the post-divorce future and a worry I had that I would never be able to trust someone enough to ever have a relationship again. I was just feeling like, wow, I am soooo not ever doing this again! He said that many divorcing people feel the same way, and he said I would, with time, discover where I wanted to put my energy, whether into a new relationship, my career, art, spirituality, etc. And this could change as time passed. What I have come to feel BECAUSE of my close relationship with my T and the absolute TRUST I have in him, is that probably I will be able to place trust in a partner again in the future. I have spent so many years with my husband, never able to trust, and all that on top of my trust/abandonment issues from my childhood. It has been a huge relief to learn to trust all over again with my T. It has just really been therapeutic, I don't know how else to describe it. I guess that's what therapy is all about. I think this augers really well for me in the future and in future relationships.

Therapy is always a surprise to me. I thought I went for therapy to work on my problems, leave a bad relationship, and get on with my life. Instead I rediscovered my ability to trust someone again.

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sunrise said:
Therapy is always a surprise to me. I thought I went for therapy to work on my problems, leave a bad relationship, and get on with my life. Instead I rediscovered my ability to trust someone again.

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That was a beautiful statement.

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pinksoil said:
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sunrise said:
Therapy is always a surprise to me. I thought I went for therapy to work on my problems, leave a bad relationship, and get on with my life. Instead I rediscovered my ability to trust someone again.

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That was a beautiful statement.

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I agree ...that is a beautiful statement. I am so pleased for you and enjoyed reading how things are working for you and your T and for you and your husband. This sounds like you are progressing well, despite a difficult situation / time of your life. Kudos.

Sunrise,

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Instead I rediscovered my ability to trust someone again.

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That is so beautiful. I am so happy for you. I find, in my relationship with T, that, although I have felt the push-pull, it is waning because I no longer feel the need to protect myself from him. So for me, the trust is growing rapidly.

It is such a testament to your trust of the security of your relationship with your T that you can wait to resume individual work until after your couples work is finished.

Awww, lovely, warm & fuzzy