[Typo]

I am so embarresed, I can't even go to the city where it happened....without suffreing from
wave after wave of panic attacks and memories, and flashbacks........I'm just so mad at me.. why am I so broken...why do I keep breaking apart when I get myself somewhat back togther...why it times such a hard concept for me now? Friends say rember when...and it takes me 20 minutes to rember...my memories are a blur..what more does this insanity want to take from me???
The dreams are back...nights are hard I've had maybe 10 hours sleep the past three days....I want it to stop........why why why.

I broke down the other day when my mom, little sister and me went to look at cars she kept asking me questions..to many questions..I don't like it when people ask alot of questions about anything...I freaked out on her I felt bad we got into a huge fight...I felt wild and beserk like jumping out of the car, I started banging my head up against the window really hardd...crying hyperventliating...I kept babbling about nothing related to the argument..my mom stated I haven't been the same since the accident..I couldn't breathe...that word that phrase...accident...accident...I just shouted I want to go back..I want to go back to thearpy..my mom goes why...I just stared at her....she asked why I didn't saty the first time...when they took me a month after the accident...all I could say was afraid...I don't want to face it...I don't want to face any of it...she said I didn't know it affected you that bad..I asked her if she had every seen anyone die..she said yes your greatgrandmother...I said no not laying in a hospital bed peaceful and surronded by peace and love..I mean really die in pain and confusion and breathing quick panicky breathes..she said no..I said then you can't understand...you won't understand....I felt bad she looked so far away after that...I'm a bad person..too much anger..
I realized the other day what a mess I am.............this is so long I don't know why I typed this...it's just after I started I couldn't stop..I had to get it all out..it's such posion...I'm sorry I'msorry I'm sorry I'm osrry

[MINIME]

Im gald you want to go back to therapy. Im so sorry you had to see someone die in such a horriable way. This illness isnt your fault. You did nothing to deserve this. This illness is just something that happens when there is trauma. Your not stupid. Your hurting. Please be gentle with u.

[darkrunner]

Silversparrow,
you can get through this....you will.....it will just take time and you need help. Please get help and see a therapist. Just like it helps you to type your feelings and get the "poison" out, it will help to talk to someone irl.
I wish my words could to something to help you. hope you feel a little better soon.
take care today,
kt

[Sannah]

Silver, I am glad that you told your mom that and that you told her that you wanted to go back to therapy. You are not a bad person for this. I hope that one day you can look at this for what it is: 1) you didn't learn the skills that you needed to process emotions, 2) you witnessed something very traumatic and since you have trouble with average emotions, this traumatic thing is very difficult for you to process. You can learn what you haven't yet and put all of this behind you and learn how to function at a much better level.

[purplebutterfly]

(((((((((Silversparrow)))))))
I am here if you want to talk. PM or email me.
Im sure your mom is having a hard time seeing you go through this pain, im sure it pains her not knowing what to do for you to make it better- moms always want to make things better for their kids- and its hard to do that at times when you know nothing you say or do will ever make it any better, i am glad that you were able to at least talk some of it out with your mom. if you ever need anyone to talk to, you can talk to me. im always listening.

Purple

[Typo]

(((((MINIME))))) ((((ktgirl))))
((((Sannah))))) ((((Purple))))

Thank you all, I'm better today..all it takes is one little thing and I go off..it's scary..I need to learn better control over it...I'm taking steps to get help..their baby steps..but I guess that is better than just staying stuck in one place..

Why is is so hard to reach out for help???

[purplebutterfly]

no matter who you are it is always hard to ask for help- we feel like we are weak when we do this, but in reality we are not weak we are stronger for asking for help....(((((((Silversparrow))))))) Keep asking for help and you will receive help from your friends here at PC, we are here for one another in good times and bad times-