[allautumn]

For a couple years I haven't been able to get my x out of my head (for example, even though I've dated a few guys since, I still refer to him as my X). The last guy, I kept looking at him and SEEING my x, literally. I'd be sitting in his kitchen having dinner, and all of a sudden I was BACK THERE, where I used to live with my x, isolated. I'd revert to this shell of a self. A couple of times it was so frightening I just had to leave. I had a feeling of panic, looking at him, and I wanted to get up and run away. There is no way I could continue a relationship with that guy becuase of these things. I used to dream about my x all the time, and still do occasionally. I've done a lot of talking about it and trying to figure things out, but regardless I just can't stop thoughts of that time from coming up, no matter how hard I try not to. It makes me angry at my self. I had to get rid of almost everything that reminded me of him, it made me feel nauseaus... I think I see him on the street and my stomach goes to knots, my heart beats like crazy and my palms sweat. A couple times I thought I saw him in my neighbourhood, walking past someone's house I saw a picture we used to have on the wall and almost panicked thinking that he'd moved here just to make me miserable. It's been at least two years and still, during a conversation I'll be reminded of HIM, ridiculously unrelated topics... I hate thinking about it. For a long time I couldn't at all, blocked it out with drinking, etc. I've tried to work through it but it still won't go away and I hate it! I'm afraid I won't be able to have a normal relationship because I constantly compare everyone to HIM. Thinking about sex used to just make me cry. Sometimes when I'm lying in bed, I have to turn the light on and check to make sure I'm not still there. When I'm with someone else, I have to remind my self that it's not him. How can I make it stop? I HATE feeling like a victim! Gah!

[kimmydawn]

allautumn,

you and my mother sounds exactly alike with this. my mother would "see" him places when he lived in another state. she had to quit going to church because there was someone there that resembled him and she couldn't sit thru a service. not only did she "see" him, she would "hear" his voice and have horrible flashbacks.

my father was a horrible person. we all have PTSD due to him.

what has helped my mother is therapy...lots of it. what helped me with my PTSD was one thing. he'd been trying to contact me and saying he was old and sick. finally, i had my husband (big and strong to me) to see him for two hours. it was the best thing i could have done. to see him as he is "today" was very empowering for me. he was no longer that strong, mean marine. his voice was the same yes, but he was old (way older than his years due to alcoholism), and he was weak, shaky and sick. my PTSD about him is all but gone, unless i go into a deep memory or something.

i hope and pray it doesn't take that long for you. it didn't take as long for my mother...she got into a good therapist. i pray for you that you can get to a good therapist that deals with trauma and PTSD. it will help you so much i think. you sound just like my mom and it was very hard for her, but was the best thing she'd ever done for herself.

i will be thinking of you and praying for you. please let me know...

be safe,

kimmydawn

[allautumn]

Thanks for the thoughts, I appreciate that. I'm going to talk to my counselor next time I'm in and see if she has any therapy suggestions. Right now I just scream and slap my self in the head.... and somehow, I don't think it's working
I'll let you know how it goes!

[SweetCrusader]

allautumn,

What was it about this man that makes him so prevalent in your thoughts? I mean I'm guessing it was a bad situation, given that you posted about this in the PTSD forum. Was he abusive to you?

I'm with Kimmydawn on this one, I really think you should get a good therapist and talk out all of these things. When you can deal with the memories and the feelings that are invoked by memories and flashbacks, all emotional/psychological material related to him should lose some of it's charge, and grasp on you.

Good luck to you. You can work through this, and enjoy relationships again.

Angela

[allautumn]

GAH! I don't even know how to answer that question right now. I don't even want to think about it. He was emotionally abusive, for the most part, I didn't have a BRAIN left by the time I finally got enough spirit mustered up to get the heck out of there. There was a few physical things too, but don't really wanna talk about that. Aside from the smashing, slashing things and punching holes in walls, doors, etc. brandishing huge knives (though he only hurt him self with them) I told him real early on that "Nobody hits me," and he got the message. He knew that if he pulled that crap with me, I was out, that was the ONE thing I wouldn't stand for. Unfortunately I just took everything else. Never again. Nobody gets that many chances now.

[SweetCrusader]

Sounds so scary.

*safe hugs* only if you want them.

Angela

[allautumn]

Hugs rock!!!

[(JD)]

I'm sorry to hear you were abused by your x, and it sounds like you are suffering stress reactions. You might not be "ready" for relationships just yet, until you work through some of this about your "X."