Been avoiding this

aww(((Orange))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Trust me you are not like them
I understand your feelings
Which is why its so hard for me to take the pain killers my dentist gave me
My sister was addictied to those plus so much more....
You are you ((((((orange)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
my unbilocal sister ((the one who can not spell))

(((( Orange_Blossom )))) I wish I had more to offer than a hug, but I'm doing my best right now. I hope you are able to take the medication and let it help you... I know it's hard. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

((( MUFFIN )))

((( JennWithTwoNN'S )))

Thanks for the hugs and good thoughts.

I am in a HORRIBLE place today.

((((((((((((orange))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I care so much for you
I left you a message in did you know in games
I want you to know i care so very much for you
with out you ..........well thats in my other post............
handing you kleenex
and sitting with you on the curb
muffin

hugs and love to you dear Orange

(((((((((((orange))))))))))))))
sorry you are in a horrid place today
you are not like your brothers
you learnt from there mistakes
if you need those meds take them if only for a short time

sending you hugs and care (((Orange))) please take good care of you... your own good health is very important.. i am praying for you...

Sigh. I took one. It helped. I guess if I'm gonna abuse Klonopin, at least I'm in good company. That's the (one of them) drug Stevie Nicks was addicted to after she gave up cocaine.

I just wish for once that when I'm dealing with an issue, I could just deal with that one and not be stressed out by all the other things around me.

And in the middle of all this, I have an agent who is interested in reading my full manuscript. Good thing, right? Nope. I can't seem to focus enough to do a complete and thorough read through before I send it. I also think I'm using my mother's situation as an excuse not to send it. Fear of success.

it is good new that a agent wants to read your maniscript, i know how hard you have been working on this and a little thought you could dedicate it to your mum

((((((((((((((((orange_blossom)))))))))))))))))

you are sounding like the stubourne sheep, you are not going to abuse the klonopin because you took one, it helped it did its job you know how these things work , you are a smart flower you wont let your self get addicted

go sit in the grove breath and relax, you deserve it

((((((orange blossom)))))

thank you so much orange blossom. i do understand better now. i too have some things like that where i blocked things for years and now need to let them come back and be seen and heard and felt and healed. scares me silly sometimes. but it is always worth it after i get through the intense feelings. i respect you for going back there and dealing with the past. my brothers both died due to their own responses to our childhood lives. i'm glad i'm still here to work it out.

hugs dear!

leslie and pixies

I'm so sorry we have that in common, pixies. It's such a tragedy. I am the youngest of four and came out of all of that the strongest. Go figure.

Thanks everyone for the continued support. I am thinking Mom has to come back here for awhile. She isn't looking to good and even though she swears she's eating, a half of a hot dog isn't enough.

Some of her snowbird friends come back tomorrow. I'm waiting to see if this perks her up. I have a feeling some of what she is dealing with is depression. She is on 10mgs. Prozac. She needs more.

Be sure to take care of YOU!

yes sounds like a bit of depression, maybe talking to doc who prescribed the med might help, and yes when her snowbird friends come home they might help cheer her up

(((((((((((((((((orange and mum)))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((( orange blossom ))))))

Sounds like yesterday was a big drag. Is today any better?

I know you are scared of becoming like your brothers, but knowing at the start what happened to them will keep you from being complacent about drugs, which helps keep you safe. Another thing you can do is find someone to be an accountability partner for you. It can be as simple as emailing or talking to them if you feel tempted to overdo your meds or take them in any wrong way. Seems to me that plenty of people would be willing to help you so you do not have to be afraid to use these meds temporarily. It is not good for you to wake up with blood on your pillow each morning, that is not good for you either. I am using meds again that I have abused in the past and I am trying to stay honest and also remember all that has happened to help and change my life since that time. I was in a horrible place back then and my mind was in total disarray. Now I have support and I am working on actual issues and not just reacting to pain in my life. Can I totally trust myself with these meds, no! Can I give myself a chance to see if they can help without abuse, yes. Life is not just black and white only as I believed. Sometimes I have to walk in the gray and stay honest.

End of sermonette...LOL. You are a courageous lady and I respect you. Treat yourself with kindness as you treat all of us out here. Gentle Hugs,

leslie and the pixies

((((((((orange))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I know you and you are not going to abuse it
Things are very scarey right now
you are under alot of stress
I truly understand that stress and those fears
Focusing is hard when its stressful
Please know you are a success now............
in so many ways.......
the rest will follow
as always sitting you giving you a hug and listening
muffin

((((((orange))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
please do not forget you
this is muffin talking....been there done that.........
You are the best daughter there is to your mom.........
My mom had depression after she became ill too...
I know the weight you are under
muffin

(((Orange)))) i wish so much that healing and peace would come in the form we each desire for ourselves... if i could.... well... i want you to know that all works out the way it should for whatever reason.. please remember you matter and obstacles, while difficult, can be overcome.. dont give up on all the things you wanted to do.. just adjust the way you were going to do them.. keeping up with changing conditions will keep us in step for the next best thing to happen... your cheer and disposition is still going to carry you far... you will soon adjust to this new situation and your fighting spirit will keep you going... sending as much hope and care as the net can carry..

I am running out of words that can properly express how much you all mean to me.

I feel better today. I'll be just fine.

Thank you lil' bird. Your support means the world to me.

I can't seem to pull it together. All I have to do is give it a quick read through to make sure I got all the edits done. She has already read it once and suggested some changes. She is very interested. We're working on getting it just right.

It's not hard nor will it take long. I just can't seem to do it.

I did email her and apologize for not getting it back to her sooner. I told her what was going on with my mother and she was very understanding and said to mail it whenever I can, she'll be waiting.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BLOW THIS. It's her second request for the entire script, not the first three chapters like most agents have requested. But just to open the documents and start reading seems monumental. How can something I worked so hard for not seem that important?

(orange))))))))))))))))))
is that like me *ok*

Mom had a good day today. I think she is feeling a little better each day. She has finally accepted that being on the oxygen not only will make her breathe better and FEEL better, it will get her mobile so she can try to enjoy the rest of her life.

My mother and I have come a long way in resolving our differences through all of this. Yes, we still have our moments, but we are very lucky we have come to a place of forgiveness and understanding and have made the connection I've wanted for so long. She made a lot of bad decisions in her life that affected my life greatly, but the adult me can handle that now. I can look back and see she was just a scared woman with issues doing the best she could.

I don't resent "being stuck" taking care of her like I did four years ago when she moved here. I was still grappling with all our unresolved issues. I don't feel forced anymore. I WANT to do it. I feel connected to my mother in a way I never have before. And as much as I know that is a good thing, the negative voice yells out "big deal--and now she's going to die. And now it will hurt worse."

I wish I could find that place of being thankful for whatever time we've been given. I never seem to find that place.

We are facing this together with love, courage, and diginity and a few laughs thrown in here and there for good measure.

This is HUGE. But very, very, sad.

(((((((((orange))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
This is a good place for you to be..I am very proud of you...
I do know what you are feeling...But I know you will make it..
As I am handing you all my stubborness...
It is a sad time no doubt there.....
But the other side is how far you both have come...
enjoy what you can...the sad part when it happens ((well you cry alittle)))
then go back and do what you can for her and you...
It took my mom forever to except the oxygen too....
I am glad yours has
Please know I am always here for you even if its a hug
or you just need to say your *Fine*
muffin