update on my nervous angry breakdown

I went to see my sweet T k well they r both sweet. I was so angry and so out of control I just couldnt contain it. I kicked pillows and threw pillows. I felt better after talking about it. I am still mad and over whlemed. I went to a dr and got something calledclonazepam. I got 12. I took on and I am feeling better but I cant walk very well I fall over and walk sideways. Not sure whats that about. I love my T's. I do really. Im going to bed to read cus I am not doing well with coordination.
I am mad at my mom and her lack of ability to rememeber me. I am suffering so badly now trying to get better and its painful and she has no clue its not fair. Then she is rescuing abused birds?????? he couldnt even protect her kids she couldnt and cant ven find them and love them and say sorry to them she is to ill how can she do this. Plus she used to be so mean to animals. I need something. Its not fair and i am angry and mad and my body is triggered to much. One day I was locked in my room and I got my leg stuck behind a head board and couldnt gt it out and I held my body up as long as I could and then i fell and broke my leg. My mom didnt care if I was screaming. She left me there a long long time. She used to beat us. She used to watch others hurt us. Its her fault we were kidnapped. I hate her somuch and I want her to know that,

by guys im tired im going to bed

((((((((((( minime ))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that you are going through this, it's definately unfair that she don't remember you and doesn't make an effort to apologize for what she has done to you.

Minime needs to find a better (new & improved) mom (in her head).

Mini, I am so sorry that you are suffering . You have probably held this anger in for so long. It actually is good that you are letting it out. This will pass Mini, it will. It is just something that you have to go through to get better. I am so sorry that you didn't get the mother that you deserved. You deserved a Queen Mother...... Okay, the tears just came after imagining you in your room in that position and then breaking your leg.......

Thanks guys. ((ice)) ((pach)) ((sannah)). I did deserve a better mother. I would have been such a great daughter. I love so much. I had a hard time sleeping lastnight. My body woke up tense and in pain and I couldnt get it to stop. I think its anger.My T's are so great but the anger things they say are for baby anger. I dont have baby anger Ihave mutant rageful seething anger. I want to climb to a hugh building and while the whole world watches I want to jump. I want to bust every single window in the world except for the people I love or with babies or kids or older people or nice people or sad people...sigh never mind. I want to just get it out. Im thinking a message would help except I dont do well with touch. But my body is craving it for some reason. The feel of another human thats safe and just sitting by me. My back is tense my shoulders hurt and my legs are hurting.

Mini, can you tell your T's that you need the adult intervention this time?

Mini, you are such a wonderful person! I just saw your new thread about taking back your identity from your abuser. You are awesome! You are taking your anger and using the energy to help yourself, others, and make the world a better place. I just started crying again! It is a beautiful, connecting, spiritual, happy cry though!

Your mother is blinded by her illness but we see you perfectly and I see just how darn special you are!

((sannah)) I love you. You are such a gentle sweet creature in this world. People like you are the reason no one whould ever give up. There is care out there. There are gentle souls like us. There are people that can love you and encourage you and hlp you and you are one of them. ((HUG))

I am getting better. I am learning that anger isnt really so yucky. I have been learning that talking and talking and talking about it helps so much. last night I slept the whole night. I had left about 8 messages on my T's voice mail just telling her what i am mad about. There is so much. I feel so much better. I feel joyful and hopeful again. My T's called me today and said they are proud of me My reg T said she was heart broken over some of my messages. I told her about some of the things that happened in foster care and stuff.

yyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

((((((MINIME))))))

Yet again, your posts speak to me.
I've been struggling with resentment toward my mother lately, and it was seeping into other parts of my life. I've been working at it for months, feeling frustrated. Today, I finally just got mad, and I think I want to stay this way for a while.

It feels good to stop feeling like the victim, and stand up for what I know is right. It is the anger that is helping me do that. So much of my life I thought that anger was just negative.

Sometimes when I need that touch, that comfort -- I find a bath is really nice. Light some candles, burn some incense, and let the warm water hold you.

Anyhow..thank you again for sharing.

Many warm thoughts and a big

((((((((((((((((((((((MINIME)))))))))))))))))))))))

You are doing so well .... I'm so sorry your mother hurt you so badly ... I hear you there ....

Just reading through your posts seems to me like your therapy is going so fast .... I sincerely hope you do not become overwhelmed and bogged down with too much stuff ..... good for you taking your identity back that is so liberating ... I think you are just awesomeand an inspiration too ....

lots of love and care and strength (which you have alredy) to you, Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxoxo