[phoenix7]

this may sound a bit weird - but if anyone has any ideas I would
be grateful - my sister was in a verbally abusive relationship - she left him about 6 months ago after about 25 years - they used to drink a lot - he slowed down but she still drank - "to cope with him"

I understand that - she still has a few drinks in the evening now she has left him - when she drinks she repeats herself a lot and it gets so anything i say can be taken the wrong way -

when they used to drink when I was there - they would always get into a screaming match - and I would try to keep the kids out of it - but they have ears! - this used to trigger me to my childhood - I cant stand shouting - and now when she rings and has been drinking I am always waiting for her to take somthing I have said the wrong way - when she's not drinking we get on really well - I've tried mentioning it to her but as her husband used to say she drank too much she thinks im on his side - which im not - it gets so I dread the phone ringing.... any ideas?

[sky dancer]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

this may sound a bit weird - but if anyone has any ideas I would
be grateful - my sister was in a verbally abusive relationship - she left him about 6 months ago after about 25 years - they used to drink a lot - he slowed down but she still drank - "to cope with him"

I understand that - she still has a few drinks in the evening now she has left him - when she drinks she repeats herself a lot and it gets so anything i say can be taken the wrong way -

when they used to drink when I was there - they would always get into a screaming match - and I would try to keep the kids out of it - but they have ears! - this used to trigger me to my childhood - I cant stand shouting - and now when she rings and has been drinking I am always waiting for her to take somthing I have said the wrong way - when she's not drinking we get on really well - I've tried mentioning it to her but as her husband used to say she drank too much she thinks im on his side - which im not - it gets so I dread the phone ringing.... any ideas?

I'm wondering what someone who goes to Al-Anon would say?

My first response would be to talk to your sister when she's sober and tell her that you love her and want to have contact with her, but you can't talk to her when she's been drinking.

Before my father committed suicide, he used to call me drunk and tell me dirty jokes. My friend said she knew it was him because she would watch me curl up into a fetal ball.

Since you are aware of your own PTSD recovery process, you have to take care of yourself. You aren't doing your sister any good if she causes you that much stress that you're afraid to answer the phone.

Do you have caller ID? You could at least know whether she's calling, and then be able to decide if you feel strong enough to take her call--not knowing if she's drunk or not.

If you're not careful, you could end up being a co-combatant with her.

Keep us posted on how things go for you.

I cannot have any contact with any of my family of origin. None of them.

Humpty dumpty fell off the freakin' wall and no amount of kings horses and therapy are going to put our family back together again. Sad, but true.
My family make me completely crazy.

Right now, my healing is my number one priority.

[Shelle]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

this may sound a bit weird - but if anyone has any ideas I would
be grateful - my sister was in a verbally abusive relationship - she left him about 6 months ago after about 25 years - they used to drink a lot - he slowed down but she still drank - "to cope with him"

I understand that - she still has a few drinks in the evening now she has left him - when she drinks she repeats herself a lot and it gets so anything i say can be taken the wrong way -

when they used to drink when I was there - they would always get into a screaming match - and I would try to keep the kids out of it - but they have ears! - this used to trigger me to my childhood - I cant stand shouting - and now when she rings and has been drinking I am always waiting for her to take somthing I have said the wrong way - when she's not drinking we get on really well - I've tried mentioning it to her but as her husband used to say she drank too much she thinks im on his side - which im not - it gets so I dread the phone ringing.... any ideas?

I haven't talked to my sister for about 2 years because of her drinking. When your sister is sober tell her not to call you when she has been drinking. If she ignores your boundaries cut her off.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by sky dancer

My first response would be to talk to your sister when she's sober and tell her that you love her and want to have contact with her, but you can't talk to her when she's been drinking.

I've tried... I guess I have to keep on trying ... I dont want her to feel she cant ring me bacause she needs support now more than ever... its just difficult

Before my father committed suicide, he used to call me drunk and tell me dirty jokes. My friend said she knew it was him because she would watch me curl up into a fetal ball.

I'm sorry that happened to you - my dad used to ring me every weekend - he would say terrible things about other people - I would tel him to stop and he would for a while but then go back to it - one he had cancer - it got worse .... I guess thats when I first got afraid to answer the phone..

Since you are aware of your own PTSD recovery process, you have to take care of yourself. You aren't doing your sister any good if she causes you that much stress that you're afraid to answer the phone.
I know, I'll have to try and discuss it again with her without her feeling i am pushing her away

Do you have caller ID? You could at least know whether she's calling, and then be able to decide if you feel strong enough to take her call--not knowing if she's drunk or not.

cant not answer the phone - could be an emergency -

If you're not careful, you could end up being a co-combatant with her.

co-combatant? - do you mean someone she rings to pick a fight with? I watch what I say but I can still get into trouble and sometimes when im low - i dont watch my words as much as I should
Keep us posted on how things go for you.
Wil do -
I cannot have any contact with any of my family of origin. None of them.
Humpty dumpty fell off the freakin' wall and no amount of kings horses and therapy are going to put our family back together again. Sad, but true.
My family make me completely crazy.

somtimes we have to cut our loses - but it still hurts - I guess i was always the peacemaker - always wanted to play happy families - till my eyes were opened - then I realised that was a dream that was never real and would never happen

Right now, my healing is my number one priority.

I remember reading somwhere about the air things in planes - if you are with someone and the air thingies (sorry no words) drop down you put your own one on first - because if you dont take care of yourself - then you wont be there to take care of anyone else - its a hard lesson to learn when you have been taught to put everyone else before yourself - I am glad you are looking after you - take care and thanks for the reply P7

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by Shelle

I haven't talked to my sister for about 2 years because of her drinking. When your sister is sober tell her not to call you when she has been drinking. If she ignores your boundaries cut her off.

Im sorry you havnt been able to talk with your sister - dont think i can cut her off - WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO EVEN TALK ABOUT ! - sorry - i dont want her to feel abandoned - too hard to talk about - thanks Shelle - I hope things improve for you

[Capp]

((P7))
I am so sorry you are going through this...

Jmo, but trying to take care of a family member going through their own crappy time is next to impossible.
You get sucked dry and have no energy. You may have some guilt or anger and be incredibly sad.

You know what tough love is, P7. As hard as it is to do, it's not doing you or her any favors by remaining silent.
When she calls you when you are drinking tell her to call you back when she is sober. You are not doing anything wrong by doing this--you are setting boundaries and she needs to respect them.
Honestly? Perhaps you also need to honor them. Loving someone, family or friend, does not mean you are their caretaker. You can offer support and encouragement, but you cannot make things all right for them.
And you shouldn't either. They have to start their own recovery...

You know all this in your head; it feels different in your heart. Taking care of yourself will most likely lead to your sister doing what she needs to do to stop drinking.
Co-Dependency stinks and it's a toughie to handle...

Peace,
Cap

(((phoenix7))))) ((capp)) is right
It has to be your sisters choice., You on the other hand can decide if you want to listen to it.
It was so hard when I let go of my sister. Was one of the hardest things i did.
She did come around as you have read.

wishing you the best and (you matter)))))))))

[sky dancer]

I cannot talk to anyone in my family. They do not acknowledge that I was abused, they do not acknowledge that my father was gay. They lie about how he died (he committed suicide, they say he had a stroke). They do not acknowledge that I am a lesbian, nor that I left the church of my childhood and changed paths. They do not acknowledge my loving life partner of 24 years.

There is no connection to any of my blood relatives at all. None.

My parents are deceased. There was so much alcoholism, abuse, neglect, and mental illness that there was no glue to hold the family together.

I'm fortunate to have a loving relationship, friends, a skilled trauma therapist and spiritual practice. My partners family is accepting of us, and we have frequent contact by phone and visits in person.

Even with all of that, recovery is not easy. It's a lonely task to face the truth of what happened and find a way to live with the scars without being engulfed by overwhelming fear, sadness, compulsive avoidance habits or depression.

[Shelle]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

Im sorry you havnt been able to talk with your sister - dont think i can cut her off - WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO EVEN TALK ABOUT ! - sorry - i dont want her to feel abandoned - too hard to talk about - thanks Shelle - I hope things improve for you

Yeah I used to feel that way too, because my sister is the only person who knows what we went through in our childhood with our psycho dad but, over the years I have tried to help and she always relapses and does horrible things to me. The last time she stayed in my house she threatened my kid when she was drunk and that was it she has been cut out now. Im very protective and so my kids matter more to me then her. She has decided to be more like our dad instead of recover and that is her choice. But I had to choose to keep her away. I don't know how bad your sister is when she drinks but my sister is very sexual and violent.