[miss_misery]

As I child I spent a lot of time in the hospital from the time I was a baby until I was about 11. I had a lot of invasive procedures, 2 surgeries and I still feel like I have never dealt with those issues. I am almost 30 now and I know that they are doing all this research on child cancer survivors but I don't know if it is just cancer that qualifies as a traumatic childhood illness? I didn't get any counseling then and I remember some really terrifying things and just wishing I would die so I didn't have to go through it anymore. I was never one of those fighters that wanted to get better, I just gave up then quite honestly. There is one procedure I had done called a voiding cystogram that I recently read they now hypnotize children for. They also go to counseling before and after if they do it at all because it is so invasive. I had 3 that I remember and I was fully conscious.
The biggest thing I took from it was shame and embarrassment that I think I always feel about everything. I can almost attribute it to one event although I had several screwed up things happen to me in the hospital. Would this be some form of PTSD? I'm bipolar and in treatment for that but no one wants to deal with how I got that way but I want answers and some sort peace with my past. My doctors are only concerned about me staying in treatment now and looking to the future but I still need some sort of validation or something that other people in the same situations feel like I do. I am 100% sure the two things maybe not the bipolarness but definitely my behaviors, my screwed up death wish, my hatred of childhood and children, my avoidance of anything medical and perfectionism are somehow related to these years of my life. Why doesn't it matter to my doctors and why can't anyone help me get past it. I've never looked to the future... I can't stop trying to get over the past. I wasn't beaten or molested as a child nor was I in Cambodia or anything but for me in my life that I knew... it was pretty f-ed up. No other person I know now can even relate to it if I were to talk about it.
I guess I'm trying to put some pieces together and I'm wondering if PTSD is partly some of my problem.

[Junerain]

No other person can relate to all I have been through either. They even tell me, when I express, gee, you seem to understand, to a listening ear, they correct me, "NO I SURE AS HECK DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR STORY!! I CAN ATTEMPT TO, BUT NO, I DO _NOT!!!"

This hurts.

I had many, many strange things happen to me, too many to count. I have many fears and different thoughts I deal with, namely a fear of boredom, I am constantly fighting boredom 99% of the day. eeekk!!

But I do pretty well with it. I am going back to school for nursing, I have put the past in the past and happen to live an abundantly joyful life at this point of it.

I get flashbacks of my former life, filled with sad, dismal, empty, lonely, strange occurrences, yet well yes I still deal with these falshbacks, It is sad.

For the most part, I, too, hated when people told me to move beyond my past..

....but I have found all I truly have is this present moment

Maybe you could write out HERE where it is SAFE more of your feelings of your childhood, how painful it was.....then VISUALIZE if you got all your dreams come true, as I feel in my heart of hearts I did, what would you feel like THEN if you saw the present moment as beautiful?

I care about you......I really relate to what you wrote...awww

[pachyderm]

It sounds to me as though there was definitely trauma, so post-trauma syndrome sounds as though it could be relevant. I too have felt for a long time that mental health practitioners have not wanted to look at childhood causes, but I think many are now more inclined to do so. Maybe you can find some who will.

[Sannah]

I think that all of that could definitely affect you quite a bit............

[Zorah]

imho there is a link between the two

[phoenix7]

I have read - dont ask me where - my mind is fuzzy - that childhood trauma affect us - thats not quite it - its that if you are away from your family because of childhood illness a lot you dont form the feeling of being protected and safe and that affects your ability to deal with things later in life - and how you deal with things -

are you seeing a therapist? they could help you work through these feelings - take care P7

[miss_misery]

I do see a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Both of them seem to refuse to talk about the past and just want me to get better in the present which I understand but I still just feel like I have all these questions that I want answered. I don't doubt that I'm bipolar or possibly borderline but I just want to know if what I experienced in my childhood could have had an effect on my present problems. I want to know if other kids that experienced similar situations have similar issues in adulthood. I guess I just want someone to tell me that my feelings about my past are valid and the norm. I just can't seem to find any information to support that but I have trouble believing that there aren't others out there like me. I just want to find them!

[phoenix7]

I had the same problem with T's not wanting to go there - it was explained to me that they want us to deal with what is troubling us now and learn to live for now - mindfulness - being in the moment

I wanted someone to explain why I had no memories - except for one i would rather forget - - I wanted them back -- I was told be careful what you wish for - I was in hospital a lot as a child - from jaundice when i was born to scarlet fever - I had febrile seizures and was given ECT when I was about 5 - apparently I would come home and not know anyone - just sit there still and quiet trying to be invisible - hospital can be a traumatic place for a child - I was in and out of hospital from birht to about 6 - from what im told - yes I think those things affect us now and have changed how we view the world - yes it sounds like ptsd - no you are not alone in this

your pdoc not wanting to tlak about this I can understand - but your T - have you explained how much you really need to deal with this ? if its affecting your present then it needs to be dealt with - I can understand how frustrated you feel when you ask for help and get none - maybe you can explain to your T just how important it is to you to discuss this stuff - even if you only discuss the way it makes you feel now

I hope things improve for you soon P7