My Stalker: I didn't say No. WHY?!

This guy-the stalker--I hadn't told anybody what else happened. Not the police, caseworker, nobody. I wrote my T a loooooooong note since our appointment last Wednesday. 5 pages of it were written just yesterday and I dropped it off last night. I told my T without using specific words what else happened. I let this guy do things to me, touch me. There was one time that more happened. He was a friend. He would sometimes say sorry, he shouldn't have done that. I could just give one of those awkward smiles. Sometimes I'd do that and say "yeah", like when mildly scolding/reminding a child who just got caught doing wrong. But I never said no. I never really tried to stop it. I didn't know what I wanted. Did I want it, or not, I couldn't tell you. I was more tolerable of it in the beginning. The more it happened and the more I saw his personality, the more withdrawn I became, the more I tried to numb it out and distract myself during it. I never really participated. He did it all. He was a friend--a really good friend. With privileges. He got away with more than what should have happened. Because he was a friend. Sometimes I would kind of play along hoping he'd get his fix while I tried to change the subject. Why didn't I say no? Why did I let all this happen? I am too damn emotional! I can't take more of this! I am done with men, all men, they could all die for all I care emotionally right now.

((((((((((((((((((( inkblot )))))))))))))))))))))))

Inkblot...
What you are describing has happened to many women when they were vulnerable, myself included. It happened to me almost exactly as you described, when I was an awkward and insecure adolescent who just wanted to be liked, and when I was going throught my divorce and was easy prey. And like you, I didn't tell anyone about it either. I felt guilty and responsible and... just generally weak and used.

The time to change is now. Don't stress about the past -- you can't change it. But you can resolve to take no more %#@&#! from anybody.

On another note, I had a dream about you last night! Only you're not going to like this... you had really short hair, were very pretty, but had a .... full mustache and beard!

No, I don't have a clue what that means, either!

LOL, I think we need to interpret that dream! In reality, I my hair has grown to shoulder length, most say I look to be in my early 20's when I am actually-- 34 . No beard or mustache, though. Thanks for thinking of me. The fact that you had a dream about me, even considering how I looked, says something.

Thanks, appreciated {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kimmydawn}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

(((((((((((((((((((Inky)))))))))))))))))))))

Just because you didn't say no, doesn't mean he had the right to do those things to you. LMo's right. The time to change is now...

I've been there, felt horrible about it and ultimately had to forgive myself, because there is nothing we can do to change the past. Only the right now.

many blessings your way,
Kimberly.

(((((Inkblot)))))
Not your fault. No way. No how. I'm learning about forgiveness. Not that it was right or that I deserved what happened but that to heal I at least have to try to move on. Not forget. But change and accept "me" for "me".

Inky,

I've been there too. Just didn't have enough self-confidence to say no to someone that I trusted. It's hard to say no to somebody who really wants something, even when you are uncomfortable or worse. Still, he had no right using you like that when you didn't say yes. If you had been able to say no (and if you can learn to for the future) you may have been able to save yourself some heartache and grief. But it still isn't your fault.

I want you to know ..you are not alone in this question....you are not alone in the feelings you have...ive asked myself a hundred times why????? why did he choose me??i cant give any answers..im searching for them myself....just know your not alone....anytime you ever wanna talk...i will listen and i will never judge...ive walked the same shoes...