[Stanley_19802]

Hello,

Well my name is Stanley, 28 and live in northern california. This place really is a great find. Been looking for something like this. Well anyway here is what I am having issues with....

From the time when I was 10 till I was 18, several times my mom had sent me to the psychiatric hospital. Not because I was suicidal but because I had done something to make her angry. She didn't want to actually take the time to ground me and make sure I didn't go out and all. So she would send me to the hospital and let them punish me. She would just call them and tell them I was suicidal and was going to kill myself and had them put me on a 72 hold.

The first time was really hard for me because I was 10 years old and this stay was the first time I had ever been away from home. And to make matters worse it was the week of thanksgiving. I had spent a week that time. I had some problems there. For example they had everyone in the gym and I wasn't feeling up to playing basket ball. So I was taken back to the unit, what I didn't know was because I didn't want to take part I was going to be put in the solitary room. I was locked in for the time the others were out playing basket ball (about an hour or so). The room had that leather smell, a bed dead center of the room with a skylight abover the bed. You couldn't hear anything outside the room. It was very scary. I was only in there one other time besides that, but that was it. But I spent the holiday in there except for the 2 hours I was taken out to have dinner with my family and then taken back. 2 hours, that was it.

Then another visit when I was 16. I had gotten in a fight with a school bullie. But because they didn't see him start it I was blamed for fighting. I was sat in the classroom for 45 minutes. All the sudden in comes the moble psych team. The school told them I was attacking another student (Danger to others). I tried to explain to the psych team what had happened with the bullie. Apparently it wasn't a good enough reason for fighting back because in came the EMT's with a gourney with 5 point lether restraints on it. I was told either I could sit on the bed and let them put me in restraints, or the police will come and force me onto the bed and put the restraints on. I choose to lay down willingly. So I will wheeled out of the school and into the ambulance and taken to the hospital. Once there I was taken to the restraint room for a strip search, underwear too. I was extreamly uncomfortable with that to say the least. Then I was taken over to get checked in. I once again tried to explain what happened. Pointless. Then I was given my room. Not in there for more than 5 minutes when all the sudden I am rushed by 3 guys. Bent over my bed with my right arm pulled behind my back and up to my neck. All so they could take the laces off my shoes. Had they just asked I would have given them the whole darn shoe if it was to avoid that. Apparently I was on suicide watch to boot. Once they were done they just let me drop to the floor. I bearly had use of my right arm for 2 days. The rest of the stay went without incident.

Next stay I was sent there for being sent home from school, again for defending myself from the bullie. I got home made something to eat and sat down to watch music video's. All the sudden an ambulance pulls into the driveway. Gee, what could be up. She called them again saying I was suicidal. I wasn't down for being hurt again so I went out the bathroom window and ran. I was caught and brought back to the house. Soon the moble psych team arrived. Asked me why I was suicidal. I tried to tell them I wasn't. They didn't believe me. 10 minutes later I was taken out to the ambulance again. I arrived and once again tried to say what happened and how I didn't belong there. I was upset and just was looking at being alone. They had a late night relaxation group. I told them I didn't really want to go and just wanted to be in my room. That wasn't ok apparently because in comes two guys, I am taken out of the room and to the solitary restraint room. I was locked in at about 7pm and left there till 8:30am the next morning. In a room with just a matress on a metal fram bolted to the floor. No bathroom or nothing in a room that got down to about 50 degrees or so. Dark as hell room with a very little light coming through the window in the door. I spent the night in the room crying in the corner. The rest of the stay I just did whatever they wanted me to do.

She tried to have me hospitalized again when I was suspended for something I didn't do. A kid accused me of hitting him in the schools solitary room. I was grading papers for the teacher and this kid I had problems with came out of the gym. I ignored him so he went into the solitary room next to the gym and starts throwing himself against the walls yelling out for help, and for me to stop hitting him. Meanwile I am stitting there just grading papers. Down walks a staff member from the teachers patio above. The staff member opens the door to the solirary room (no handle inside, has to be pushed open from the outside). The kid walks out the room with a nose bleed. What the hell! The staff members tells me I am in big trouble. Doesn't even ask me what happened or for my side of the story. I am automatically a bad guy. So I am suspended from school for the rest of the day. My mom takes me home, calls my dad and they take me to the hospital I was at when I was 10. Tells them I was suicidal, they didn't buy it this time around. So then she tells them I am out of control and need to go to a group home. Tries to sit down and tell me how much I will like it and it will be better for me and all that. I didn't qualify for that. So she gets back in the car and takes me childrens and family services. Tells the worker I am hitting her and my brother and they are afraid for their lives. I have never hit my mom and brothers being brothers sure we fought with each other. But not to the extent of him being in fear of me. They are about to take me away when the worker tells my parents it will cost them $600.00 child support per month. Wow, then all the sudden I am not hitting her anymore and they are fine with taking me home. 6 months later the case is closed.

The theird visit was because of a HUGE misunderstanding. It was summer and boys being boys we went to the back of the apartment building and had found a wooden board. We decided to chuck knives at it. The woman upstairs told my mom I was throwing knives at my brother. My mom didn't ask me what was going on, or ask my brother. She just assumed that was what was going on and called the hospital yet again. I don't find out what's up until I get there. By this time I am pissed off to hear I am there again becuase of something that wasn't true. I call my mom and tell her what the woman told her was not what happened. She tells me "if your brother gets taken away I will never forgive you" and hangs up on me. It seems because she told the hospital the version of the story that I was throwing knives at my brother that child services is looking into it on the basis that my mom is not providing enough supervision. And apparently I am now a danger to my brother. Quickly this situation flys out of control. I hang up the phone and start walking for the ward door. (not sure what I was going to do since it was locked). This staff member walks up to me and starts asking me what's wrong. I tell him I am upset and leaving. All the sudden he grabbes me from behind, slamms me to the floor and places his knee into my spine and puts his full body weight. There is a series of cracks and then nothing but pure pain. I couldn't even describe it. I just screamed out in pain, the other staff took it as I was going off. Apparently he caused a spinal injury. I couldn't move. They carried me to the restraint room, shot me in the butt with Thorazine and put the restraints on me. I woke up the next day in my room. No memory of the time between the shot and my room. Back hurtting like hell. I tried to tell my mom what happened on the phone, she told me I was lying to get out. Then I am called to the med window. I had no idea what they wanted since I wasn't on anything. They wanted me to drink a cup of more liquid Thorazine. I said no thanks and walked away back to my room and laid down. They rushed me, dragged me back to the room, shot me in the butt again and more restraints. After that I did exactly what the wanted word for word till I got out.

At age 21 I had the chance to get away from her and I did. Didn't talk to her for close to 4 years when I moved back to California. I tried to give her another chance to be a part of my life. She blew it all to hell. Telling me crap like I eat too much, any fast food I would bring home she would look at everything and tell me how many colories it was and so on. Just knit picked about everything, pointing out all my flaws, put down any of my interests.

Finally I confronted her on several abuse incidents including all the hospital visits. She told me she didn't feel bad for any of the hospital stays or what happened to me during them. Since then I cut all contact with her, this time for good. That was a few years ago. Some have told me I am too harsh on her by cutting all contact.

If she didn't send me to those places, and for stupid stuff on top of it I wouldn't have PTSD from what happened. I am terrified of hospitals of any kind, have panic attacks when I see ambulances, the smell of leather, burned pop corn, and because of the overnight in the dark solitary room I am afraid of the dark and silence. I always have to have a radio or TV on, something that makes noise. Every day it seems I am consumed with flashbacks and no less that 3 nightmares about it every night. Consumes my life right now. I would think a sorry at least was in order. Ok punish me for fighting at school, but I didn't deserve to be put in the hospital for being suicidal when I wasn't and being abused like that. A grounding or taking something away, something like that would fit the crime. Not what she did. I don't think cutting her out of my life is too much. Any thoughts?

-Stanley

[phoenix7]

Welcome to PC Stanley

I am sorry your mother was not the type of mother who protected and loved her child - she sounds toxic - you gave her a 2nd chance and she blew it - sometimes we just have to give up on relationships that are toxic for us and do the best we can for ourselves - I think thats what you've done. jmo but I think you did the right thing

Are you seeing a therapist?

[Elysium]

Hi Stanley.... to PC!

WOW!! You've been through a lot!!
I'm amazed at what a good memory you have of it all too...right down to the meds they forced on you.

I'm sorry you had to experience that...it sounds awful. I don't know why or how parents can be so cruel to their children!!

I'm glad you broke free of this person...she's definitely not worth your love or your time.

This is a very supportive place. I think you will find some good things here.

Hope to see ya around...

[Stanley_19802]

Hello,

The hospitals was just one reason, a major one, but just one reason I cut her off. Her choice of schools she was sending me to was the other. The schools from age 10-16 was hell. All of them had solitary rooms (time out rooms as they called them). The first school I had a bullie. He was always attacking me when the teacher wasn't looking. Put me in the trash can in the bathroom as well as the classic swirly (head in the toilet thing). Every time I tried to report it to the teacher I got "I didn't see it, so I can't do anything about it". So it went on for some time. The only way I could deal with it was to leave class for a bit. However this ment the time out staff coming and getting me and putting me in the solitary room until I was willing to go back to class. It was a tough choice because the time out staff were just as crule. I would be dragged into the room, swong around into the chair facing the wall and pushed into the chair. So it was a toss up, bullie in the classroom or time out room staff. I hated school.

The next school I had this kid that would take my books and throw them in the trash, spit on me, hit me when the teacher wasn't looking. I had a teacher that refused to come over and explain things to me, she would write the assignment on the board and tell everyone to do it. And I was having trouble with that student in the classroom. Of course I was the one starting it all the time. So I got fed up and decided to teach myself the work. I was sitting out by the lunch tables and did my work where it was quiet and I could get the work done. I go to turn in the work and she refused to accept it because it wasn't done in front of her.

Finally they transfer me to a different classroom. Things go well for a bit and then another bullie surfaces. He would sock me in the stomach when the teacher wasn't looking, he would whisper for me to have sex with him and other sexual comments. When I go to report it, they didn't see it/hear it so it didn't happen. I would leave class to cool off. But that wasn't allowed there either. I was taken to the solitary room. A 4X10 room with carpet on the walls and floor and a steel door with a handle on only the ourside which a staff member would sit in a chair and hold the door closed. The room smelled of stale pee. When a student is locked in there, they are not let out till the time is up. So they end up peeing on the carpet because they can't hold it. Times in there varied from 30 minutes to as long as 2 hours at a time. At this school a staff member even took off his belt and spanked me with it for not following directions.

Then I was transfered again to another school. This one was like a darn prison. You couldn't even go to the bathroom by yourself. You had to have a staff member take you to the bathroom, and the guy would stand behind you while you went, our outside the staff if you had to poop. I had issues there from day one. I got some ink pens the day before I was to start attending there. I wanted to make this place work. So I showed up to class and started my work. This staff member (the big buff muscles guys that drink the buff up drinks) comes up to me and accuses me of stealing his pen and demanded me to give him the pen. I tried to explain it was mine, he still demanded me give him the pen. I refused. He lunged after the pen in my hand, knocking me back in the chair, breaking the table and the fan on it on the way down. Once on the floor he grabbed the pen and remarks "now who has the pen?". Then he forced me flat on the floor, face down. The staff member in the room next door heard the crash and came in. He assumed I was going off and helped the guy hold me down. Now spread eagle the guy put his elbow into my right shoulder blade and pushed it in causing pain. I just kept screaming. 45 mintes of this he finally lets me up, while walking down to join the class he tells me "Try anything and I will drop your *** on the ground, I don't care".

That wasn't the last of him I would see. He picked me to go after. He would call me "white boy" just to get me going. When I try to leave class to get away from him and step outside to cool off, he would stop me and slam me to the floor. There was a time when the students had to take a deck of cards with times table problems on them. The students had 30 seconds to get the answer of each card and do as many as possible in that time. I had done it for a week or so until I was unable to go an futher than 14 cards. Yet I was being made to keep doing it and told I needed to get atleast one more card per week or get in trouble. I was fustraighted and fed up so I refused to do it. I did all my other work, just not the cards. So my punishment for not doing the cards was my lunch was taken away each day and put on the file cabinet but put so I could see it. This went on for 2 months my lunch would be taken away.

Another time I was using the classroom computer and the staff member standing by the door, he let another student attack me. The kid put a noose around my neck and tried to chock me, I fought him off. And instead of the staff breaking it up, he allowed the student to then attack me. I was forced to fight him. I am not a violent person. I try to walk away whenever possible. That wasn't going to happen. The last incident that day was there was I had a disk full of stories I had written. A student had erased it. When I asked for something to be done about it (loss of points or something) nothing happened. I was angry so I took some of the kids tokens that are given to the students to keep track of their behavior through the day. The staff member a bit later wanted the tokens back. I was slammed against the closet door and my pockets searched for them. He didn't find them. I was left in the classroom while the rest of the students went to the on site ice cream store for not giving up the tokens. After the students leave Sabas, starts in. He apparoches me and takes my hands and forces them on the desk and smashes my fingers until they lay flat on the desk. I picked them up and told him to leave me alone. He did it again and again I told him to leave me alone. Then he tells me "why are you here, your a waste of time". I made eye contact with him and he says "why are you looking at me? Your gay huh? Why don't we move you to the other classroom and you can sit next to freddy" (freddy was a cross dresser).

When 3pm came around and it was time to leave, I had all I could handle. Only my way to the bus the teacher caught up to me and told me "don't do it". I hadn't told him anything about the day or what I was thinking. But somehow he knew. I went home, got on my bike and rode over to my therapists office. I told him what had been going on (my mom never believed me at all about any of it at any school). I told him I wasn't go back there and that I wanted to die to escape the abuse. Of course I was sent to the hospital, but only for a day. The truth came about about Sabas and he was fired and in his record he could not work with children in the future. But I was afraid to go back there anyway.

I reached 18 in 6 months so I was just kept out of school, dropped out. I got a job and lost it when I was 19. I was assigned to a mental health center as a security guard. I was waiting for a trasnfer because of my past issues with hospitals. However one night a child of about 12 came in. The kids parents just dumped him off. The poor kid was crying for his mother. I was ordered to take him next door to the locked unit. He went limp crying and then kept trying to open the door to screaming for his mom. The staff ordered me to handcuff the boy. I HATED doing that. Then he wouldn't stop trying to leave so they placed him in the restraint rooms and tied him down. The kids arms wouldn't fit the restraints do they used maxi pads to take up the space so the restraints would hold him. The kids screams were horrible to hear. Atleast for me. I really effected me. I ended up losing my job because I refused to assist in putting him in restraints. I was admitted there 2 days later for depression and a suicide attempt. I was having flashbacks and nightmares from my past I was already dealing with that working there brought up. And it just got extreamly worse with having to put the kid in the restraints. I just related to him and it effected me alot. I ended up on disability for several mental issues including the PTSD

While there I had issues. I arrived and from working there I knew this one guy was gay. No big deal, but he wanted to do a strip search and I told him I didn't feel comfortable. And I told him I would rather wait in the processing area until shift change. He comes back with two staff members and drags me into the restraint room and tied me down. Then I am hit with Haldol. An hour later I am not out so they hit me again. Didn't pass out but instead spent the next 10 hours seeing things. Apparently I had a reaction to it. So at that time the staff comes in and sees I am wet (I have a bed wetting problem with day time accidents and wear protection for it). Anyway he takes my pants down, removes the diaper. Doesn't bother to clean me up at all, just take chucks (basically it's a paint soaker is the best I can describe them) and put one across my waist, and the other between my legs and pulls up my pants. All this time I am not given food or water. 4 hours later I am finally let up. Seems the new shift didn't even know I was in there. I got up, as I figured the chucks did nothing, I had been laying in a pool of urine for almost 3 1/2 hours. I got up and it ran off the bed and pooled under their desk. Pants soping wet I had to then preform the stip search and change clothes. When I asked for a new diaper (I had some with me when I came in) the dude holds it up and yells down to the other end of the nurses station "Can stanley have this?" the guy asks what it is, the nurse yells back "It's one of stanley's diapers". I was so embarrassed. It could have been handled far more descreatly. I was there 3 more days and released. I had 2 more visits but they were decent for the most part.

When I was 21 I moved away to NY to be with some friends I had made online. Was the best thing I ever did leaving my moms place and getting away. However New York was another issue. I was dealing with the PTSD and also self injury that I started doing when I was 16. I was locked up in the NY psych wards twice for the self injury and depression. The last time I was sent there I was told if I came back in again as inpatient they would use ECT (shock therapy) on me. It scared the hell out of me so when I got released I packed up and moved back to california. That's when I gave my mom the second chance and moved to redding.

I was seeing a therapist over the years for what happened. It was helping. However in 2001 I moved to Redding California without really checking into the services first. I went to mental health to get set up with services. They take Medi-cal, but not Medi-care. I tried to get services set up but they told me because I have Medi-care they would not give me services, that I had to find my own. They told me to go home and call out of the phone book. I called everyone out of the phone book. Either I got told they need a referal from mental health because they are in a system with mental health that they need a referal from mental health to take someone. Or the other responces was they were eigher full with patients, or wanted $100.00 or more per hour. At one time my friend was paying for me to go, she's great. But things changed and she couldn't afford to pay for the sessions anymore. I later found out mental health had a buy in program for $6.00 a month. I tried to sign up for that but was told I couldn't because I had insurance, but they won't take the insurance. So I have no way to get help.

So I have been stuck calling hotlines for help. And as that goes, the hotlines call the cops and they show up at my door. Depending on how depressed I am they will take me to the ER. I sit in the ER for 6 hours until mental health shows up. Then I go there for another 4-5 hours. I get told they will not help me. That if I want therapy bad enough I will come up with the money for it. And they send me home. If I came in suicidal under a 5150 involuntary hold, they reverse the hold and send me home, suicidal or not.

Now though the police told me if they come out again I will be punished like last time for calling the hotline. The last time I called the hotline I was taken to the other hospital here. When I got there they took all my things away and then told me to strip and put on a gown so the doctor can do a medical exam. While the nurse was gone I got the urine sample ready and sat waiting. He came back and I gave up my stuff but I explained to the nurse that I was extreamly uncomfortable with being exposed in just a gown. That I would be happy to pull up my shirt for the doctor to listen to my heart and stuff, but that I needed to be in my clothes. He goes out and I hear from outside "get the restraints". I freaked. In comes the nurse, a guard, the cop that brought me in, and 2 other people. This head nurse tells me either I can strip or they will restrain me to the bed, cut off my clothes, and put a catheter in me, and then tells me if I touch them in the process I will be arrested for assult. I had no choice but to remove my clothing and put on the gown. An hour later the doctor comes in and starts telling me I must really like it there and like being treated this way because I keep coming back. He never did any kind of exam which was the whole reason for the gown being forced on. 3 hours later mental health shows up and takes me over to their place and then sends me home. Because of the incident I had violent nightmares for 2 months after and have never called a hotline since out of fear of being taken back there.

So I asked about the voluntary unit here in town run by mental health to try to get some help for the nightmares and flashbacks. There is currently a block on me because they feel I am trying to use it as a makeshift therapist. So the hospital is told not to let me in. Instead I am told if I want to be in the hospital at all, I have to drive 300 miles to a voluntary hospital down there. If I don't have money for a therapist, how would I have money for the gas to go there. I have no choice right now but to just take it. I am clean out of idea's on how to get better.

Sorry for the long letter, there is just so much junk that I have been dealing with and no one to talk to about it. I have my friend, but I kind of don't want to overload her or nothing. It's not her job to be my therapist and it's not right to bug her all the time about it. Thanks for the ear.

-Stanley

[thunderbear]

Hey welcome to psychcentral. That sounds awful. I don't think it's too harsh to cut contact with her. You did the right thing.

[phoenix7]

geez Stanley you have certainly been through the ringer
are there chrities where you are ? somtimes they have free services that can help - worth a try?

ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE! i'm so sorry for what you have endured. i'd be filing suit!

As for people who judge your cutting off contact with your mother--most people don't have the capacity to understand what you went through so cannot understand your reality. i agree 100% with your decision.

[Stanley_19802]

Hello,

No, sadly I have looked everywhere for assistance. I checked with social services to see if they could think of anything to get around the insurance issue or to find someplace for me to find something, contact both my insurance companies, even tried to cancel the one insurance mental health didn't accept so they would take the Medi-cal. Nothing has been found that will work. I tried even looking in another country, but if I go to another country, I have to live there and switch over my insurance to there which means I would lose the medical doctor I have now. Even the ER's can't do anything more than have the moble psych team come to the ER to give me a evaluation. Then they leave and I go home, still nothing. I have also checked myself into the voluntary unit down south, but they couldn't help. They were basically set up to get you stable and release. They could help with the depression, but that was it. They just printed some stuff off the net for the PTSD and told me that's all they could do. They told me I needed a long term psychotherapist. Tell me something I didn't know. I was released with a list of therapists for my area, all ones I called that refered me back to mental health. Was a waste of time, and for my trouble there I got a bill from them for $1,000.00, apparently that was what my insurance didn't cover. Just lumped it in the pile along with everyone else I can't afford to pay and wants to sue me. I am just stuck with no way out of the situation, and things just keep getting worse and worse.

My friend died 2 months ago so all the bills went from being paid in 3rds to having to split everything. Then the bank does a cascade on my account leaving me 250.00 overdrawen. I didn't know that when I put the $160.00 double payment for last month (I didn't have the money that month to cover it so they let me do a double payment the following month) and this month in the bank and they took it. Thank god the furnature company is letting me wait till next month to give them the double payment. Then SSI sent me a letter saying the state of california is cutting social security checks by $30.00 a month. And now because we couldn't afford to pay the electric bill last month, I got a shut off notice. It's just a wall of things coming at me. If my mental health issues were not enough, now I have all of this to handle. I have been beyond depressed lately. And I will admit, suicide has crossed my mind a few times. It's just alot to handle all at once. Now is the time I could really use a therapist. Got to love life huh?

-Stanley

[phoenix7]

cna you ring the people you owe money to and make an arrangement? I let my bills get away from me and got phone calls and really nasty letters - couldnt afford to pay them when I realised what I had done - so I rang them and explained and told them when I could pay them and they said ok

worth a try?