[inkblot]

Its not extreme, but it scares me. With working now, I and others are thinking about maybe I will actually be able to get a place to live soon. I would love to! But it scares me, too, because I had gotten into some habits before when I had a place to live. My lack of eating habits go back farther, but since last February is when the rest really kicked in. I experimented a few times with caffeine tablets before that, though. But last February is where it really started. I got more involved with other ways to lose weight. Of course, it also made a great (but bad) coping mechanism for times of stress. I was good at the bulimic thing and it was a no-hands effort, like a natural skill. That was off an on in phases, but no more than two weeks ever past between February and June without me doing something. Not just that, but I got even more involved in taking over-the-counter pills, too. I "enjoyed" taking them. Even though they screwed up my health. Sometimes I'd have what I am sure was kidney pain in the sides of my back. There was even a time or two when my kidneys pretty much almost stopped functioning for a few days. Other times, they would work in overdrive and I'd be peeing all the time and lots of it.

I'm scared of all that happening again. I still do it once in a while, but with my current living situation, its nothing like I *WANT* it to be. I am so tempted!!!!! It's hard not to take those sweet little pills that I have waiting for me, and available for me to take. I look at them, I hold them. I think. I want to so bad. I want to do it again. I hinted to the pdoc, but it was the end of the 10 minutes so she wasn't really interested. I have done very well with everything since October last year when I really started trying to be better. I had a bad couple weeks here and there, but got over it. I only have Lexapro 20mg right now, plus allergy and an arthritis med. Sometimes I wonder if I am on enough psych meds. I'm new at this. I don't think my pdoc really knows or understands about my eating habits either. My T does. He knows me very well. I saw him last night. It's going to be a long two weeks until my next appointment.

[LMo]

Argh.

Inky - why do you have an eating/bulimic thing? I mean, why the big weight issue? I don't understand those kind of urges.

What do you think it would take for you to get on a realistic health kick? Like taking vitamins instead of the caffeine pills? Can you visualize yourself that way? Being a healthy Inkblot with strong muscles and lots of vegetables running through your system?

I like you so much -- it's hard for me to NOT fly out there and start eating healthy and exercising with you! I don't want my favorite Inkblot to remain in her car out of fear of relapsing into bad habits!

[Genevieve]

Two things strike me:

1. HAVING those pills is a bad idea, if you're actually wanting to stay away from that habit. Hard as it is to close that door, do it! Throw them out. They're not doing anything good for you, and they're adding to your temptation. Keeping them around is just saying that you're not really planning to recover.

2. Can you talk to your T about speaking to your P? Maybe that would help. What would help even more, though, is to talk to your P yourself about how things are for you. Does she even know that you have an ED? Or are you really hiding? (Took me months to discuss my problem with my P. It's hard.) If you open up to her, there are meds that will help a lot with reducing the urge to purge.

Good luck.!

inky, am i understanding that you are afraid to have your own place because of the availability of the meds or what? somehow i have that mixed in.......pat

[inkblot]

I hate to give up my habits. I don't feel like fighting it right now. It's been so long since I have "really" been involved. I just want to do it again. I know its not healthy. I know that my kidneys and heart and everything will be screwed up again. It feels like a risk I want to take. I left a VM for me T that something was up, but I didn't say what. I might write and leave him a note this next week. I don't know, I haven't decided yet. I just want to "enjoy" myself again. I've started.

[inkblot]

I have been afraid that having my own place will allow me to do these things in much more extreme. There is alot of freedom. Just having the money from a job will let me buy them anytime, as much as I want.

[inkblot]

The way things are today, I would love to have my own place to live--so I could do all those bad things and be "happy".

i've been thinking about this, inky. now that you have the job and the resources to have your own place and if you continue using, you'll lose your job. then, you'll be back in the car. that really worries me a lot. i really care for you and i want you to be safe. i've spent enough nights in my trucks, on photography jobs, to know that it can work for awhile, but sooner or later, the wrong person is going to come along.......PM me if you need to. xoxo pat

[(JD)]

Self care is very important. It also can be very difficult to make the right decisions for oneself. Learning to take responsibility for my own health was a good decision. In spite of all the doctors, all the advice, all the desires, all the "acting out" and the wishes and hopes and dreams of having it another way, it came right down to the fact that If I don't do it, it won't get done.

You've heard that Inky, I know. I think that you are sharing this now with us is a good thing. Many homeless ppl have similar issues with self-care and responsibility. Each time you decide to not let the pills or whatever control you, you become stronger for the next time, not weaker. The benefit you enjoy, the relief you can have from making an "adult" decision in your own best interest, will build.

I hope that soon... before next winter, you will be self assured enough to take that step for a real home. You can do this. You deserve this. <font color="blue">((((INKY</font>

[inkblot]

I worked at a university health clinic once, in the pharmacy. I had interaction with the students, of course. At the time I weighed 100 pounds or less. I lost some weight while there to get to that point, eventually started to gain back, and then started losing again. I lost that job within about 4 months. It was because of absenteeism due to needing to take off hours for sick kids, food stamps/public aid appointments, and lawyer appointments for the divorce. I really think because of how the other staff was with me, that my weight issues were also a part of it. I figure the head doctor there probably complained that I might be a bad influence on the students, or something. I don't interact in person with the public at my new job, so I don't think my issues would do as much with work unless I miss alot of work or do some major screwups. I tend to have more energy when I don't eat. More anxiety, too.

[inkblot]

I know that I will have a real home before long. It's just a matter of what I do with my time when I am there.

[(JD)]

Inky, don't be afraid. If you think about it, there isn't anything that you couldn't do -to yourself - right now, without a physical building. You are taking care of yourself... even in a car! You haven't done so many things that you could have, or anyone might have, if they've been put through the situations you have. You are stronger than for which you are giving yourself credit.

[Raynaadi]

bump