[anxietygirl]

I had to start taking an antidepressant Jan 2009 and I quit taking it this summer. I am now taking Wellbutrin and Deplin again because on my days off, I can't pull myself out of bed until 12pm or later and on the days I work, I am pissed off that I have to get out of bed. If I could, I would spend all day sleeping. I have been extremely negative as well. I also can't seem to get things done because it seems like I have no focus. When I was taking the antidepressants in the summer, I would walk 4 miles 5 days a week, but when I quit taking them, I quit moving. Why do I feel so guilty that I am taking Wellbutrin and Deplin? I am a nurse, I know the importance of taking care of yourself. I just feel like I am doing something wrong and that I should be able to shake this depression on my own. I also felt the same way when I first started taking them. I am also worried about the seizure aspect of Wellbutrin even though I did not have any problems when I took it in the past. I also am not too thrilled with the insomnia it brings and hope it ends soon. I also had a small headache last night, but I didn't need to take anything for it.

[phipps88fan]

You shouldn't feel guiltly about taking something that helps make you function. Obviously your body adjusted well to them to be walking like you were verses not being motivated to get out of bed. It's also not a high chance Wellbutrin will cause you to have a siezure unless you are already prone to have them. The side effects like insomnia usually go away in time. If it doesn't make sure to tell your doctor. Please just don't feel guily. If you needed meds for another disease would you take them? There is no difference. Your body has obviously told you that you need them and there is no shame in that. Just feel better. Hugs hun!

[Elana05]

Hey anxietygirl,
I agree with phipps88fan. That is the problematic thing about depression. It tries to convince you that if you just worked a little harder you could pull yourself out of it. I have found it especially difficult because my parents haven't really known how to react. I'm a grown woman, but somehow their occasional lack of "acceptance" and understanding about depression still pushes buttons. I finally had to send my Dad a link stating what depression was in medical terms. It is an ailment and just like any other it affects the way you live and work - how you do your job. Possibly more so because the pain can be so difficult to overcome. You don't need to feel guilty. It is just important that you care for yourself.

[Rapunzel]

I wonder if being a health professional contributes to that guilty feeling? I just started taking an antidepressant, after fighting it for several years, and I hate that I need to take meds. I want to be able to manage it myself, and feel like not managing well enough on St. John's Wort and therapy is a failure on my part - particularly because I am a therapist, and it seems like that means I should be able to use my training and resources better than I have.

[splitimage]

I really resented my meds when I first went on them. I thought I should be able to manage on my own. Well the point was I wasn't managing. Once the anti-d started to work it was like a black cloud lifting. I'd been depressed for so long I'd forgotten what normal felt like, the drugs were like a miracle for me. Same thing when I went on an anti-p. No way - those were for crazy people. But it helped. I'll neve forget the day I first upped the dose I'm on from 2 -3 mg. I had some nasty side effects, but I felt like I felt 20 years ago, before my MH problems started.

Now you'd have to fight me to get me off my meds.

Depression is like any other disease, it can be and deserves to be treated.

--splitimage

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

I wonder if being a health professional contributes to that guilty feeling...

Wow, Rapunzel - I relate so well to what you wrote. I have been fighting with taking an antidpressant for 2+ years and I am still struggling with it. I'm just about to try a new one and I go from "I cannot wait to try that Zoloft" to "why did I get that prescrption? I'm just going to put it in the back of the medicine chest and let it stay there while I try excercise (again)." I have taken St. John's for 2 years and it has helped. But it's hard to come to terms with the fact that I need more than therapy and St. John's Wort to keep me away from the very dark days - or the excessive worrying. My therapist has tried to help by comparing my taking an antidepressant to her taking "a medication" as well. She (of course) never says what for. However I think she just wants to get the idea across to me that she needs a medication - just as so many people do. Who knows, maybe it's an SSRI for all I know! Why is it so easy to accept the idea of taking medication for a heart problem, or even a seizure disorder or other "brain" issue but a chemical imbalance crosses some line. Like it is somehow curable if we would just make that one missing "lifestyle change." And - now I'm just ranting - this is not helped by my own parents. Today, again, I hear from my mother, "You never used to be this way." Imagine saying that to someone with hyperthyroidism. "You never used to have to take this methimazole drug. What's wrong with you??" Yeah. I planned that. I was planning on being depressed. Mainly because it's just so fun and convenient. (Sorry about my mini-rant.) Hope you are doing well today...

[Rapunzel]

Part of it for me is also that I never was ok. I have had depression as long as I can remember, since early childhood. Nobody thought that it was worth treating before. When I first went to therapy, when I was 19, and I was wandering the streets at night wishing that a car would hit me, I was told that I was just homesick. Nobody validated that I was depressed or offered medication back then. I'm better now than I used to be. I didn't ask for meds for depression because SJW works well enough for me that I manage. I told my pdoc that "it's tolerable." She disagreed, and I said, "I tolerate it." Anxiety is causing problems for me consistently though, so I had to do something about that. I'm used to sticking it out through 2 or 3 depressive episodes per year, but constant anxiety makes me less effective at doing my work, limits my career, and keeps me from being as helpful to others as I would like to be. I probably wouldn't take meds just for me, but was willing to give it a try when I recognized that other people are affected by my disorder.

The rant going on in my head is that I never needed drugs to manage before, and nothing has really changed, so why should I need them now?