[mixedup_emotions]

For those of you who frequent the Abuse board, can you take a look at my post titled "Ugh" and then the one where I'm ticked off at my T and provide me with your feedback?

I am REALLY ticked right now and am thinking about leaving my T a message saying that I need him to call me tomorrow before my T session - because that session may not happen at all because of the anger I feel towards T right now.

I don't see how I can have a productive session to disclose memories of past SA tomorrow when I am feeling this way towards my T about how he handled things today.

[deliquesce]

darling,

i would send T an email requesting he call you back. or do you have his number? try to call him yourself.

but if you are unable to get him, then i think the thing to do would be to show up tomorrow and discuss this breach. leave the memories for a day when you have that safety back again.

but if he calls back today and you get that sorted, then maybe you will feel ok to delve into memories tomorrow?

you know how upset i am on your behalf, and i've already told you what i would do (being the coward that i am). but i think the more helpful thing to do would be to go tomorrow, and be flexible about what gets addressed.

(((((((ME))))))))

xo deli

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, Deli

You see, this session tomorrow was made specifically to deal with the past SA memories that have me triggered so badly this week that I've missed 4 days of work...haven't been able to eat....having multiple panic attacks....etc. My usual appt is on Thursdays....We made this a special appt to deal with this. I would rather not spend my session time (=money) dealing with this crud. I would rather it be on his time, his dime.

Can ya tell I'm ticked?

As a teacher, I understand your tdoc's urgency and responsibility to make sure the incident was reported. That is his legal responsibility. He really had no choice. Try to remember his concern was for those children. They were first and foremost in his mind. Legally, it had to be that way.

I understand your anger, but he didn't do it "to" you; he did it "for" those children. Maybe that will put some perspective on the situation. As far as them parking in front of your house. That was probably totally random, and you tdoc certainly didn't tell them to park there.

It is a good thing that the incident was reported for those children's sakes.

I don't know if this is what you wanted to hear, but that's my take on the situation from a professional viewpoint. I have had to report similar situations in the past. No one wants to be in that position, but the welfare of the children has to be put first.

I hope you can work past your anger with your tdoc. Sounds like you need to discuss this at length with him.

[Luce]

I understand why you are angry. I understand why you wished you could have spoken to T before any action was taken. I understand why it may feel like a violation of your rights, too.

However... the law about mandatory reporting takes precedence over your feelings, in this case.
The best interests of the children involved take precedence over your feelings, in this case.

I understand how scary and triggering this whole thing has been for you, I really do. In the same circumstances I'd be livid, too.

My feeling is his hands were tied. He didn't have any choice. Once he knew, it was HIS responsibility and his alone to report it to the authorities. Regardless of what you did or didn't do. Whether you did or didn't call it in yourself was irrelevant - once he had the knowledge, as a T, he was legally bound to make sure it was reported.

Even though to do that he had to go against what you had asked.
Even though to do that he knew he had to betray you, in a sense.
Even though to do that he knew he would break your trust.

In this case, his legal responbility to the law and his moral responsibility to those children took precedence over his responsbility as a T to you.

And I bet he didn't like that as much as you didn't.

((((((((((((((((((((((((MUE))))))))))))))))))))))))

The thing with therapy, is it's unpredictable sometimes. It's a relationship, and things come up in relationships. For me, I have to feel really safe and secure in the relationship before I can talk about the really scary stuff (which is why it took me well over a year to even HINT at the CSA stuff). If I am in the middle of a rupture with T, I have to work through that with him, first and foremost, before I can do anything else with him.

I will say,though, that working through our various ruptures - some serious, some minor - is what has given me the trust in him that allows me to open up the scary stuff. There have been times when I've had to put a burning issue aside in order to work on the relationship. And then, when I am safe again, we move forward.

I know you set this appt aside to talk about the SA stuff...but maybe you could start with how you are feeling about what happened with T and the call. It sounds like it feels like a waste of time to you, but honestly, I think it's the most important thing....and who knows? Maybe you will be able to clear it up quickly, and move on to discuss the SA stuff that you need to discuss.

((((((((((((((((((((MUE))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry it's so hard!!

[mixedup_emotions]

I totally understand the legal aspect of it - and we talked about that....The whole point was that I needed a few minutes of his time - and he wouldn't give that to me - but he had the time to send me those e-mails.

I made it clear that I was planning to make the call but NEEDED a few minutes of his time...so that I could disclose the info to DYFS in a way that wouldn't be so dangerous for me.

I am starting to think that there was nothing he could tell me to get me out of feeling like I'd be in danger....so he avoided it by pressuring me because he had no choice.

[mixedup_emotions]

I decided to call and leave him a voicemail...

It basically went like this, "Hi T, it's MUE...It's Friday night. Hope you're doing well. I feel it's important that we have a conversation prior to my session Saturday, because I'm feeling quite irritated at the e-mail exchanges that took place today and want to clear the air. I am feeling disappointed and hurt that you continued to pressure me to make the DYFS call without giving me a few minutes of your time to discuss how I could provide the necessary details to them in a safe way for me. I absolutely understood the need to follow through on making that call and that legally it needed to be done, quickly - but instead of spending a few minutes of your time to help me with structuring the call in a safe way for me, you persisted to send e-mails - which you apparently found time to do - that felt demanding, threatening and uncaring towards me. In order for this next session to be productive for me, I need to feel safe and cared for....and at the moment, I'm feeling untrusting. I'm not sure what I need to hear in order to feel better about this, but I need you to call me."

[Luce]

Good for you, MUE. It sounds like you structured what happened and your feelings about it clearly, and then stated what you want and need from him.

I'm pretty imrpessed actually - those are some pretty awesome assertive communication techniques you're using there!

Well done. I hope you get a response that feels appropriate and helpful for you.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I don't see how I can have a productive session to disclose memories of past SA tomorrow when I am feeling this way towards my T about how he handled things today.

You don't have to stick to the "plan" for what you were going to cover in therapy tomorrow. Things come up and you need to work on what is most important for you now. It sounds like tomorrow is not right for disclosing your memories of past SA. That's OK. There will be another time. Tomorrow, maybe you need to talk to T about his actions so that you can start to repair the trust. It doesn't matter if you had planned this session specifically for dealing with SA. Plans go astray. Stuff happens. Go to session and don't feel forced to stick to a plan that is no longer appropriate.

That's a good email you sent. I think this is such an important topic that it is best to do it in person and not over the phone.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Luce

Good for you, MUE. It sounds like you structured what happened and your feelings about it clearly, and then stated what you want and need from him.

I'm pretty imrpessed actually - those are some pretty awesome assertive communication techniques you're using there!

Well done. I hope you get a response that feels appropriate and helpful for you.

Thank you. Kinda funny because I am learning about being more assertive and asking for my needs to be met - in group and individual T. Perhaps my T will be proud?

Seriously, though, I hope he calls me and is able to help me to feel better about this situation - because I would hate for it to get in the way of what I want to be progress during tomorrow's session. I NEED to address these issues - sooner rather than later - and I am extremely disappointed that this had to get in the way.

Thanks for your feedback. I REALLY appreciate it!!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by sunrise

You don't have to stick to the "plan" for what you were going to cover in therapy tomorrow. Things come up and you need to work on what is most important for you now. It sounds like tomorrow is not right for disclosing your memories of past SA. That's OK. There will be another time. Tomorrow, maybe you need to talk to T about his actions so that you can start to repair the trust. It doesn't matter if you had planned this session specifically for dealing with SA. Plans go astray. Stuff happens. Go to session and don't feel forced to stick to a plan that is no longer appropriate.

That's a good email you sent. I think this is such an important topic that it is best to do it in person and not over the phone.

I understand that plans can change....but I don't want them to change. I feel like the way he handled things - not giving me a mere 5 minutes of his time - is now going to cost me a session which is my time, my money, and dips into my limited number of visits per year that are covered by insurance.

I sure do hope he calls me tomorrow so we can talk through this. Ideally, it would be in person - but I don't want it to be on my dime. Not when I feel like he was the one that screwed up. I shouldn't have to pay for that.

Damn, I'm ticked....

[sunrise]

I think it's amazing you still want to have a session where you reveal intensely personal and traumatic things when you are feeling so angry at him. I hope you won't do the SA work until you get your rupture cleared up, because revealing these things in anything short of a safe place may not give you the relief you seek and could make you feel worse. I hope you get a call back from your T and are able to work through this. You could also share with him your feelings about not wanting to pay to discuss this topic. Maybe he would have a solution for that.

Good luck.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I think it's amazing you still want to have a session where you reveal intensely personal and traumatic things when you are feeling so angry at him. I hope you won't do the SA work until you get your rupture cleared up, because revealing these things in anything short of a safe place may not give you the relief you seek and could make you feel worse. I hope you get a call back from your T and are able to work through this. You could also share with him your feelings about not wanting to pay to discuss this topic. Maybe he would have a solution for that.

Good luck.

I guess I'm really used to being in screwed up relationships.

I really don't want to have a session revealing personal and traumatic things feeling the way that I do right now. That's why I hope he calls me and that we can clear this up - because if not, the session is not happening.

[deliquesce]

sweetie? what's happening here? i always get confused with different time zones, it's sat night over in australia...

just wondering if anything has happened further. but altogether possible that you guys are in bed. hmm.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks for checking in, Deli...

I did not have access to my computer until just now....I waited anxiously for a call from my T....and he finally called, but somehow it went to my voicemail. Grrr.

He sounded upbeat and said that he was glad that I was able to express myself, but that it's always better to talk about these things in person, so he'll see me at my session this afternoon. He said that he had to run to work so he won't have time to talk to me before then.

GRRRR. My whole point is that I wanted to clear the air BEFORE my session.

I guess it will end up having to be an opportunity for us to work through this with our relationship...and who knows if the stuff I really wanted to talk about will even happen. At this point, I have very little hope for that unless we can get to a resolution and me to a comfortable spot rather quickly.

[sunrise]

Good luck, mixedup. It is such an important topic that it probably is best to do it in person. I wish you the best and hope you can regain your place of trust and safety.

[deliquesce]

hmm... i can see what your T is saying - best to work it through in person - but still a bit grrr as well. i understand how difficult it is when we've been hanging out to work on something in particular, but then something else comes up and we have to push that first issue to a side.

good luck with your appt, darling. i hope it works out well .