eerrrrggggh...

just.
bad person again.
want to self harm.
pdoc angry at me when he finds out.
not about the self harm, but that he gave me didier and i still didnt do my uni work.
i did try.
but not enough.
didier hates me.

but didier protected me.
no hallucinations this weekend.
no dad making bad comments.
mum only screaming once.
lots of memories though.
want to hurt self.

dont want to be bad person anymore.
want to disappear.
but who will give didier back to pdoc then?

(((((((((((((((((((((((deli)))))))))))))))))))))))))

You feel bad, but YOU are NOT bad. That is your mind telling you a lie.

Pdoc loves you, he knows you are not bad. He wouldn't give didier to a bad person.

No disappearing. Be gentle with you.

You're NOT a bad person Deli

You're awesome
Take Care ok

((((((deli))))))

You answer my posts and are helpful. You're definitely a GOOD person!!! My T used to say I'm a "work in progress". We all are. Be nice to yourself. You're worth it.

You aren't bad. I hope you don't disappear, because all of us here would miss you!

Do you like hugs?

(((((Deli)))))

You are not a bad person. You have helped me very much with your comments. So you didn't get your uni work done. It might be good to examine why that happened. But that definitely does not make you a bad person. It seems that you are very hard on yourself. You don't need to be punished, Deli. It sounds like you need this instead.

Deli,
You are not bad!!!! Your feelings do not make you bad. Not doing your homework does not make you bad. Your pdoc is not going to be mad. Has he been mad at you before for not doing your homework? When you have talked about him before he seems really caring. He would want you to come back to T and not disappear. We don't want you to disappear either! Please take care of yourself.

(((((deli))))))))

aww... thank you so much for your loving responses everyone - ((((treehouse, kureha, ranbow, amazonmom, peaches, googley, LLT & hug monster impy)))) .

i feel really awkward right now because it's like... maybe ppl think i am doing this for attention, or something, or just to be told i'm good, or something - i don't know. but i promisei wasn't.

i just get stuck in the "i'm a bad person loop" every now and again, and i guess it's been triggered by many little things instead of one big thing. usually i would call pdoc, but i called him last week (i typically dont call very often - maybe 2 or 3 times a year, max?) and when he returned his call he started with "is there anything i can help you with" rather than his usual concerned "what's wrong". made me think maybe he thinks i'm just calling to be annoying, or to connect, or something that isn't useful and practical like getting immediate help.

so i'm trying to deal with this without him. i'm sorry it means i drag you guys instead .

tree - thank you so much for this. i read this earlier in the morning (wasnt up for responding then) but it made me really snap out of the loop. just like - all gone ! so i have been looking after didier extra special today because maybe i was mean to him yesterday when i thought he was angry at me.

thank you for this suggestion, peaches. i will talk to my T about it on thursday. i know i did procrastinate a lot, even though i knew i didnt have much time, but i dont know why i kept putting it off. would be valuable to figure that one out.

thank you sweetie. you are right - pdoc hasnt been mad before. but this is the first time he's given me didier, and i thought he might get angry because i couldnt finish even with didier's help. and i like having didier with me, so i'm sad that he probably won't think it's a good idea in the future and lend didier to me again.

and LOL - yes, to whoever asked (sorry - i tried quoting multiple, but i must've deleted too many responses or something) but i adore hugs. so thank you to absolutely everyone who gave me one - it's the best thing in the world .

No one here thinks that