[fallenangel337]

Sorry for the overload of posts on my part....I'm just going through a really hard time in T.

I have another appointment tomorrow, and we're going to talk in detail about the incident. She told me Friday that she would like to when I'm ready, and only when I'm ready. I told her I want to go ahead and get it over with, because it's not going to get any easier to talk about, and the sooner I get it out in the open, the better it will be for me overall. So she said that we would discuss it tomorrow.

I'm so scared, because this is going to be EXTREMELY hard to talk about. 1 because of the personal nature of it, and 2 because there is a lot of TMI in it that I do not know how to discuss. I'm not worried about judgment, because she has assured me that her office is a totally safe place to discuss this without fear of judgment.

Like I said in my last post, I'm scared to relive the situation again. I'm so scared that I'm going to break down right there, and nothing will get accomplished if I'm emotionally distant.

I'm scared of getting in there, totally dissociating, and then not getting anything done at all.

Right now, I just need some e-hugs and support, if there is any to spare.

[ECHOES]

Try not to scare yourself. You are very brave and you have wonderful T to be there with you. It's gonna be okay

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((((( fallenangel ))))))))))))))))))

Sending you lots of hugs.

angel,

Can you write down some of what you want to talk about? That way T will be on board if you diss out and will be able to walk through the fire with you.

[fallenangel337]

Originally Posted by Orange_Blossom

angel,

Can you write down some of what you want to talk about? That way T will be on board if you diss out and will be able to walk through the fire with you.

I already know exactly what needs to be said, and she knows what needs to be said, so the knowing isn't the issue...the biggest issue is it is an extremely hard thing to talk about, and I'm really scared about how it's going to go. I usually do write things down if I feel scatterbrained, and that helps, but that isn't the issue this time.

I'm sorry you're scared. That's a horrible feeling.

the biggest issue is it is an extremely hard thing to talk about

I've been there fallenangel and it's a very difficult place to be.

I guess I was trying to ask if it would be of any help to you if you wrote down the actual words/scenario that needs to be said? Not as a list or points that you want to discuss, but the very thing you are afraid of speaking out loud?

You could tear up that piece of paper, flush it, or be like me and burn it in the back yard. Writing those vile words down gave me a voice. Putting the scary stuff on paper gave me a little more control over it, but it may not work for you.

[mixedup_emotions]

((( BIG HUGS )))

You will get through this.

[fallenangel337]

Originally Posted by Orange_Blossom

I'm sorry you're scared. That's a horrible feeling.


I've been there fallenangel and it's a very difficult place to be.

I guess I was trying to ask if it would be of any help to you if you wrote down the actual words/scenario that needs to be said? Not as a list or points that you want to discuss, but the very thing you are afraid of speaking out loud?

You could tear up that piece of paper, flush it, or be like me and burn it in the back yard. Writing those vile words down gave me a voice. Putting the scary stuff on paper gave me a little more control over it, but it may not work for you.

I see what you're saying now. At this point, I'm willing to give anything a shot, so we'll see if it works for me.

[Foomph]

HUGS!!!!!!!!!! Let us know how it goes.

I hope today goes well for you! I don't know if this will help, but it seems like you've already come up in your mind with the worst-case scenarios of how today could go. Even if you do dissociate, it is not a wasted session - you are there with your T, you're doing your best to talk about a very difficult subject, and your T is supporting you. So no matter what happens, you are taking steps to take care of yourself and better yourself - know that, feel that, own that.

[fallenangel337]

Is it bad that I'm sort of having second thoughts? I'm second-guessing whether I really want to talk about this today or not...

[Foomph]

I think it's completely normal. Try not to decide what you will or won't talk about before the session. Wait until you get there and then see what feels right.

[laura2]

there's tons! to spare angel

be brave

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by fallenangel337

Sorry for the overload of posts on my part....I'm just going through a really hard time in T.

((((((((((((( angel ))))))))))))) Post away, someone is here most any time. let us know how you are

[fallenangel337]

Thank everyone SO much for your replies. I got in T today, and I was about to talk about what we had planned, but I could not find the words to do so. It was like I fell mute for a moment, and could not find my voice. SO needless to say, we didn't talk about what we had planned.

Although, it was not a completely wasted appointment. We covered quite a bit of ground, and I found out that my T is a lot more like me than I thought

It was a bit strange, though. We talked a little bit about cutting, and she asked if she could see my most recent ones. I didn't mind showing her, but she's never asked to see them since the first time I told her about cutting. I'm not sure what to make of that.

She said she wanted to see me again this week, so we have another appointment Friday. I suppose I shall try again to discuss what needs to be said.

[Foomph]

Yes, keep trying

Keep trying, Angel! And give yourself credit -you went, and you showed T your cuts - that's very brave!

I hope you have a good week, and a good session with your T on Friday!

You can do it when it is right for you to do it! Don't be so hard on yourself, whatever it is you need to tell your T, is sure sounds hard. Be kind to yourself.

[peaches100]

Don't push yourself to disclose more than you feel ready for. It's OK to take it a little step at a time.

[fallenangel337]

Originally Posted by Orange_Blossom

angel,

Can you write down some of what you want to talk about? That way T will be on board if you diss out and will be able to walk through the fire with you.

I tried to do this last night...I got about halfway through, and it got too hard. So I have an appointment with T tomorrow, and I feel like I've got nothing to bring.

((((((((angel))))))))

it's okay if you're not ready to share everything with her just yet. maybe you can even talk about why it is so hard to talk about it--i.e. your fears, etc.

Originally Posted by fallenangel337

So I have an appointment with T tomorrow, and I feel like I've got nothing to bring.

There was a time when I was writing down things about a trauma and leaving them with T. I told him that I wanted to leave something good with T too to balance it out. He told me to just bring ME once a week, and that would be more than good.

All you have to do is show up, fallenangel. Everything else will fall into place the way it's supposed to.

[fallenangel337]

Originally Posted by treehouse

All you have to do is show up, fallenangel. Everything else will fall into place the way it's supposed to.

Thank you. I hope that works like it should.

My appointment is less than two hours away, and my mind feels so scattered, I don't even feel like I can separate ANYTHING to discuss, trauma or no. Maybe I could just explain this to T, let her lead, and see where it goes from there.

[Hugs needed]

Fallenangel (((Hugs)))
Take it slow. I went thru the same thing about a month ago. It took the third T session when I finally found my voice. It was pertaining to my SA so it's very painful to talk about. I had to stop several times during the session to breathe and wipe tears away. It was almost like my voice just froze or someone took it from me. I did start having a FB during this session but my T got me to breathe and it brought me out of it. I know what you are going thu. You will feel better after you let it out. It feels like a ton of bricks being lifted off of you.

I wish you the best of luck and keep of trying. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

[fallenangel337]

Well...it didn't get discussed, yet again, but T brought it up, and made me feel a bit better about the situation. She said that I could discuss it in bits and pieces...that I don't have to spill all at once, and that we would take it one step at a time. She also said that it is her top priority to not make judgments, knowing that she has not heard the whole story, and piece it together bit by bit as we go.