[little*rhino]

hi everyone...

changed my name T's carved rhino made such a difference for me these past two weeks... two more to go and he will be back.

i'm alive... so that is something, all things considered anyway. The flashbacks, nightmares and shock of realization have been tough but my life never sits still enough to dwell much.

since t left i have had one job.... hated it but i am poor so i stayed... then quit it because i got another job... got the flu.. broke my foot (i think it is broken, could be a torn ligament but it feels different this time... either way, I couldn't take time off from a new job to go deal with long ER wait times)..

there's more but it gets tedious to type

i've struggled a lot with things... my life situation is in the crapper. i've been out of work so long that getting a job won't help a lot for months... and i am not able to figure out just how to do things so that i can support myself *and* be happy. i don't fit into most molds.. 9-5 is like a bitter little hell for me... and i don't do well in jobs that have little freedom or independence. Things is... my self esteem and confidence are so low that "doing my own thing" presents other problems.

i get so paralyzed with fear on my own, and then bound up with other factors when in a structured job.

everyone thinks i can do it on my own... make a life without needing to be hired by someone else. Through T's eyes/words i started to ponder that sort of feedback... wonder if maybe i have been wrong about being useless in the world.

i really need T right now... his perspective and clarity are badly needed. i am lost and over my head... all the stuff he and i have been talking about keeps me unsettled and distressed, but the life situation has me so confused and frantic... i can't keep a clear focus on things.

[(JD)]

Hi little rhino. Are you a "scanner?" (According to Barbara Sher (author of I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was and Refuse to Choose) a scanner personality is hard-wired to have many passionate interests rather than a single driving passion (which is a "diver" personality trait). Famous scanners include Leonarda da Vinci (artist and inventor, the original Renaissance Man) and Benjamin Franklin (writer, publisher, inventor, statesman among other things). Scanners living today may be considered unfocused dilettantes, amateurs who just can't finish anything. Not true. Scanners can not only do anthing they want, they can do EVERYTHING they want!)

Rather than be unsettled by who you are and how you feel like behaving, embrace it and try to work around it. Many people do not fit the molds that society demands, but while it's difficult to find your own niche, it's worth it!

It's good to hear you've made it the 2 weeks, and yes, I think you will make it the other 2 weeks before T. Life isn't always easy, and to find out we can take care of ourselves can be depressing at times. But maybe all you need is the keel on the boat (your T?) and you can motor right along! Good wishes.

[sarahxxkristine]

love love love love love love love love love love love love the new sn muh dear <3

[lifelesstraveled]

((rhino))

Working on the low self esteem and confidence is something I am working on in T, if you are too, I am sure you are aware that it is really hard. We missed something growing up, which is why our self esteem is so low...so whatever we missed from our caregivers, we have give to ourselves. My T told me this. and it's been a struggle for me. I am sure YOU and I will get there it will just take some time.

I hope you get to see T soon so he can help you work through some of the things you are struggling with. Maybe you can talk to T about what is you would like to do and figure out why you are lacking the self esteem to pursue those and end up in a less than ideal job.